marcopaulo Posted November 29, 2013 Report Share Posted November 29, 2013 i don't get how two intelligent lads like you can laugh at such shite...puns are the lowest of the low Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted November 29, 2013 Report Share Posted November 29, 2013 Is it true that when big Dunc was in Barlinnie jail he asked for the wall to be moved back 10 yards? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted November 29, 2013 Report Share Posted November 29, 2013 Matt - This one made me laugh (more than it should) Marco - don't read it. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name his “Juan.” Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve see Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal!” Matt 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted November 29, 2013 Report Share Posted November 29, 2013 A sign of the times is that elderly people have to continue working. This old fella went for an interview. HUMAN RESOURCE PERSON: What do you think is your main weakness? OLD FELLA: Honesty. HR PERSON: Honesty! I don't think that's a weakness. OLD FELLA: I don't give a shit what you think. Matt 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcopaulo Posted November 29, 2013 Report Share Posted November 29, 2013 bet you two are the kind of people who start clapping when someone says give us a hand Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted November 30, 2013 Report Share Posted November 30, 2013 *clap clap clap* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcopaulo Posted November 30, 2013 Report Share Posted November 30, 2013 you can shit off an all :shaking fist: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted December 1, 2013 Report Share Posted December 1, 2013 Pat and Mick went for an interview at the building site. The foreman asked Pat what his name was, when he said 'Pat' the foreman punched him in the face and said 'you are privileged to have the name of the patron saint of Ireland and you should use the full name of Patrick'. He then asked Mick for his name and Mick replied 'Mickrick'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted December 4, 2013 Report Share Posted December 4, 2013 I spotted a headline which said 'England's No.1 diver 'comes out' as Gay. Was it Ashley Young? Matt 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cornish Steve Posted December 4, 2013 Report Share Posted December 4, 2013 (edited) I spotted a headline which said 'England's No.1 diver 'comes out' as Gay. Was it Ashley Young? No. He's with the Bad Actors in Soccer Society (BadASS). Edited December 7, 2013 by Cornish Steve Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted December 10, 2013 Report Share Posted December 10, 2013 The dyslexic Yorkshireman who went round wearing a cat flap. D J Campbell states that he is innocent and is looking forward to playing in the 2 - 2 draw against Millwall on Saturday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted December 10, 2013 Report Share Posted December 10, 2013 D J Campbell states that he is innocent and is looking forward to playing in the 2 - 2 draw against Millwall on Saturday. That's good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted December 10, 2013 Report Share Posted December 10, 2013 Sir Alex Ferguson, in retirement, has taken up flower arranging. He has designed a display which he calls 'Manchester United' and it goes right in the middle of the table. Matt and marcus jones 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oztoffee Posted December 11, 2013 Report Share Posted December 11, 2013 Non PC Christmas jokes Mary and Joseph pull up outside the motel. Joseph goes inside and comes out angry because there's no room at the Inn. "This is crap Mary", he said "What a fookin' holiday this is!" "Next thing is you'll be telling me your pregnant!" .....................--------------------....................Next! Joseph waits in the stable for the birth. After the birth, he rushes out, sees the Three Wise Men and shouts, "It's a girl, it's a girl!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oztoffee Posted December 11, 2013 Report Share Posted December 11, 2013 (edited) Xmas joke. The whole family are sitting down to Christmas lunch with lots of alcoholic good cheer. Uncle Arthur asks whether anyone knows about 'Titties'? Lots of eye rolls and grimaces but Arthur goes on.... "Well, when women are young, their titties are hard, just like melons. When they get older, their titties are like pears. Still OK but a little soft at the ends. Then when they are much older, their titties are like old ripe bananas. Squishy, with lots of blemishes and they droop downwards." Mum and the daughters are horrified until Auntie Lizzie says, "What about 'willies', then?" "What about 'willies'?" "Well, when men are young, they are straight and hard like oak trees. When they are older they are like willows. Still OK, but bendy and pliable. When they are much older, 'willies' are like Christmas trees." "Christmas trees?" says Uncle Arthur "Why, yes!", said Auntie Lizzie '"The whole thing is dead and the balls are just for decoration". Edited December 11, 2013 by Oztoffee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted December 11, 2013 Report Share Posted December 11, 2013 Sir Alex Ferguson, in retirement, has taken up flower arranging. He has designed a display which he calls 'Manchester United' and it goes right in the middle of the table. stole that and sent it to a friend whos a Utd fan. This was his response: United must be improving, all the jokes at the beginning of october were about relegation made me chuckle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcopaulo Posted December 11, 2013 Report Share Posted December 11, 2013 Non PC Christmas jokes Mary and Joseph pull up outside the motel. Joseph goes inside and comes out angry because there's no room at the Inn. "This is crap Mary", he said "What a fookin' holiday this is!" "Next thing is you'll be telling me your pregnant!" .....................--------------------....................Next! Joseph waits in the stable for the birth. After the birth, he rushes out, sees the Three Wise Men and shouts, "It's a girl, it's a girl!" am i bein thick cos i don't get it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted December 11, 2013 Report Share Posted December 11, 2013 (edited) am i bein thick cos i don't get it? Im thick too then... Edited December 11, 2013 by Matt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted December 11, 2013 Report Share Posted December 11, 2013 I'm with you guys... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted December 11, 2013 Report Share Posted December 11, 2013 If a woman ever pulls a knife on you during an argument,pull out some bread,cheese & mayonnaise......... Her instincts will kick in & she'll make you a sandwich .... Lowensda 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GoldfishMemory Posted December 18, 2013 Report Share Posted December 18, 2013 Pulled a beautiful Dutch girl the other night wearing blow up shoes....... ....went to pick her up for our second date and she's popped her clogs. Matt, Fearthainn and WelchGapy 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted December 27, 2013 Report Share Posted December 27, 2013 I never have to use Wikipedia as the wife knows it all. rubecula 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted December 31, 2013 Report Share Posted December 31, 2013 Old guy went to his first football match for years. At the turnstile he was asked for £30 quid. 'I could get a woman for that' he protested. 'Aye' said the guy on the turnstile, 'but you wouldn't get 45 minutes each way and a pie and a pint in the middle'. Bailey, marcus jones and rubecula 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcopaulo Posted January 1, 2014 Report Share Posted January 1, 2014 he wasn't from chorley then Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted January 6, 2014 Report Share Posted January 6, 2014 Mourinho, Martinez, Wenger, Rodgers and Moyes were in the pub. Mourinho got the first round, five Portuguese beers. Martinez got the second round, five San Miguels. Wenger got the third round, five red wines. Rodgers got the fouth round, four pints of bitter. Moyes said 'where's mine' Martinez said 'this is the fourth round and you're not in it'. Fearthainn, Matt and Bailey 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted January 6, 2014 Report Share Posted January 6, 2014 stealing that John! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post johnh Posted January 6, 2014 Popular Post Report Share Posted January 6, 2014 ManU once the Goliath of English football, then David came along. rubecula, Matt, Sibdane and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post johnh Posted January 8, 2014 Popular Post Report Share Posted January 8, 2014 Pat found a pen. He said to Mick 'is this yours'. Mick took the pen and wrote on a piece of paper, then said 'yes its mine'. Pat said 'how do you know its yours?' Mick said 'its my handwriting'. Bailey, Sibdane, marcus jones and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted January 8, 2014 Report Share Posted January 8, 2014 Guy bought a new Porsche. He wanted to boast so he put an entry on Facebook. 'Can't wait for the new 911'. In the next 24 hours he had 40,000 new Muslim friends. Bailey and rubecula 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted January 9, 2014 Report Share Posted January 9, 2014 johnh you have me cracking up here mate. Great stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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