Jokes thread

[Matt]

Matt, I posted that (minus picture) on 25 March last year.

Thought it sounded familiar

[rubecula]

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[pete0]

Tim Vine on Dave atm.

'BNAG! That's bang out of order'

[Matt]

Love it!

[MikeO]

A Scotsman walks into a bar.

 

Normally he'd be joined by and Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman but they're all in France.

[johnh]

Wizened old Aussie Drover rides into town from the outback. He goes to the chemist and asks for three packets of condoms. The chemist asks if he needs a paper bag and the Drover says 'nah, she's not that ugly.'

[rubecula]

love it John

[MikeO]

There’s a guy named Jack. He has a girlfriend named Wendy. Jack is hopelessly in love with Wendy, and decides to ask her to marry him. To prove how much he loves her, he goes and gets “Wendy” tattooed on his penis, as a gesture of loyalty. When he’s erect, his penis shows her name, and when it’s limp, it reads “Wy”

So, the next night, they have passionate sex, and when Wendy sees her name on Jack’s member, he pops the question, and she accepts.

They decide to go to Jamaica for their honeymoon. Once down there, they decide to try out all of the local culture, including a nude beach. They go to the beach, and are having a great time, when Jack decides to get up from sunbathing and go and get something to drink at the bar down the beach.

So, he walks over to the bar, with his limp penis, trying not to let his eyes wander; he doesn’t want to embarrass himself. He orders a drink from the guy at the bar, and while making the drink, he notices that the bartender, also naked, has “Wy” tattooed on his limp penis as well.

So Jack says to the guy, “Wow, what a coincidence! Hey, do you have a girlfriend named ‘Wendy’, and her name tattooed on your dick too?”

And the bartender looks down at Jack’s member, back to his and starts laughing. He says, “No, mon. Mine says ‘Welcome to Jamaica, mon. Have a nice day.'”

[johnh]

What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

 

A kangaroo is a marsupial and a kangaroot is a Geordie stuck in a lift.

[Lowensda]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,

“My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monk graciously accepts him, feeds him dinner, and even fixes his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,

“We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monk accepts him, feeds him, and even fixes his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply,

“We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monk reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task.

Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”

The monk reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monk leads the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,

“The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says,

“Real funny. May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say,

“This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

[MikeO]

That J, is a shaggy dog story, not a joke (but quite a good one).

[rubecula]

Just saw a new book for women.
Ladies Grooming Tips.
By Anita Bush.

[MikeO]

Just saw a new book for women.

Ladies Grooming Tips.

By Anita Bush.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anita_Bush

[rubecula]

Good grief never knew she was a real person.

 

Just like that woman....Hazel Nutt

 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/7324379/Barb-Dwyer-Britains-most-unfortunate-names-disclosed-in-new-survey.html

[johnh]

Think I may have posted this before. I once played golf with a guy named Cliff Anger.

[MikeO]

Just saw a new book for women.

Ladies Grooming Tips.

By Anita Bush.

 

I just saw that there's an Aussie woman golfer in the Olympics called Minjee Lee; she'd probably refuse a marriage proposal from a bloke whose surname was Bush.

 

Sorry .

[Matt]

[johnh]

In some countries people don't know who their wives are until they get married.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Its the same here.

[Cornish Steve]

Once interviewed a software engineering graduate named Fuqing Wang.

[Lowensda]

So my mate has started dating twins! I asked him the other day "how do you tell them apart?" He said "Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure... ... And Brian's got a cock"

[Lowensda]

[Cornish Steve]

The other day, I was waiting for my food to arrive at a local diner when I just had to pass gas. You know how it is: It comes in waves and the gas just has to escape. Since the music was playing really loudly, I decided to let it out in time with the beat. It worked quite well, actually, but it was a good couple of minutes before I was feeling comfortable again. Only then did I realize I was being watched - and remember that I was listening to my iPod.

[markjazzbassist]

The other day, I was waiting for my food to arrive at a local diner when I just had to pass gas. You know how it is: It comes in waves and the gas just has to escape. Since the music was playing really loudly, I decided to let it out in time with the beat. It worked quite well, actually, but it was a good couple of minutes before I was feeling comfortable again. Only then did I realize I was being watched - and remember that I was listening to my iPod.

 

haha LOL

[marcopaulo]

Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window.

 

 

If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in

[Matt]

Amazing

[Lowensda]

I keep turning into a cat but I have no idea meow.

[MikeO]

I keep turning into a cat but I have no idea meow.

 

That's a neg :Red card:.

[Lowensda]

You horror.

[Lowensda]

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

[Lowensda]

A fat lady walks into a bar with a pig under her arm. The bartender asks: “where did you get the cow?” The fat lady says “its not a cow its a pig”, and the bartender said, ” I was talking to the pig”