daib0 Posted November 15, 2015 Report Share Posted November 15, 2015 Here's a story for you all Once upon a time there was a King who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the King went fishing with his wife, the Queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the King the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area". The King was polite and considerate; he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way. However, a short time later, an absolutely torrential downpour of rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and, well, their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Rather furious, the King soon returned to the palace and gave the order to sack the professional upon immediate effect. He then summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. But the farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So the King by-passed him and hired the donkey. And thus began the practice of hiring dumb *sses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions. And what's more, the practice is unbroken to this date... MikeO and Matt 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted November 17, 2015 Report Share Posted November 17, 2015 I see Christmas Day is on a Friday this year - hope it isn't the 13th. Matt and rubecula 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted December 1, 2015 Report Share Posted December 1, 2015 Her indoors said she wanted to see the northern lights. She went spare as we drove into Blackpool, rubecula and Matt 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted December 4, 2015 Report Share Posted December 4, 2015 An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him."What'll you have?" he asked."Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out."Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered."I don't know how you can drink this stuff!""Well, there you go," cried the husband."And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!" Matt and MikeO 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted December 7, 2015 Report Share Posted December 7, 2015 Anyone seen the trailer for the new film, "Constipated"? Well, to be fair, it hasn't come out yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted December 7, 2015 Report Share Posted December 7, 2015 I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted December 7, 2015 Report Share Posted December 7, 2015 Anyone seen the trailer for the new film, "Constipated"? Well, to be fair, it hasn't come out yet. I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free. Bit early but good to see you're getting the "embarrassing dad" jokes sorted. Dance moves next . rubecula and Lowensda 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted December 7, 2015 Report Share Posted December 7, 2015 Bit early but good to see you're getting the "embarrassing dad" jokes sorted. Dance moves next . Next. They've always been Matt 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted December 7, 2015 Report Share Posted December 7, 2015 I thought it was early Christmas cracker jokes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted December 9, 2015 Report Share Posted December 9, 2015 (edited) I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish. Edited December 9, 2015 by Lowensda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted December 9, 2015 Report Share Posted December 9, 2015 Couldn't find the Roman Numeral thread.... A roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted December 9, 2015 Report Share Posted December 9, 2015 What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?Attire. Matt 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted December 9, 2015 Report Share Posted December 9, 2015 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cornish Steve Posted December 10, 2015 Report Share Posted December 10, 2015 Mourinho is getting desperate about Chelsea's abysmal performances in the league. He's encouraged the players, threatened the players, and ridiculed the players - but nothing's worked. So last night, he decided to bring in a world-renowned hypnotist. The entire Chelsea squad attended a meeting with him in the dressing room after practice. The hypnotist's voice lulled them into a dreamy state: "Watch the watch. Watch the watch. Watch the watch..." Then, in a moment of clumsiness, the hypnotist dropped the watch and it smashed on the floor. "Crap!" Apparently, it's going to take the janitors until the weekend to clean the dressing room floor. MC11 and Matt 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted December 11, 2015 Report Share Posted December 11, 2015 As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too f**king late pal, I've already done the paperwork." Matt and Lowensda 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue 250 Posted December 12, 2015 Report Share Posted December 12, 2015 (edited) Can we change the name of this thread ! I can't find one thing fuc%ing funny about corners........we can't defend them and we've only scored one goal from a corner in the last 3 years ! If it's true Martinez doesn't practice them, then he needs a good kick up the arse.And, if it's not true, kick him anyway! Edited December 12, 2015 by Blue 250 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cornish Steve Posted December 17, 2015 Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 A friend of mine educated me today about an aspect of science of which I was unaware. He'd always thought that having a vasectomy meant his wife wouldn't get pregnant, but apparently it just changes the colour of the baby. MikeO, Lowensda and Matt 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sibdane Posted December 17, 2015 Report Share Posted December 17, 2015 Haha. That's a good one, Steve. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted December 20, 2015 Report Share Posted December 20, 2015 Man U fan goes into the Travel Agents and asks for a recommendation for a winter holiday in the sun. Travel Agent says 'you can't beat the Canaries in December.' MikeO 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted December 20, 2015 Report Share Posted December 20, 2015 Man U fan goes into the Travel Agents and asks for a recommendation for a winter holiday in the sun. Travel Agent says 'you can't beat the Canaries in December.' If you made that up . If not thanks for posting it anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted December 21, 2015 Report Share Posted December 21, 2015 If you made that up . If not thanks for posting it anyway. No, I pinched it from elsewhere. duncanmckenzieismagic 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted December 21, 2015 Report Share Posted December 21, 2015 A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case? "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?' "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." The judge said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?' "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted December 21, 2015 Report Share Posted December 21, 2015 MikeO 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted December 21, 2015 Report Share Posted December 21, 2015 That's not a joke J, it's an unarguable truth. Said to my wife in a supermarket the other day, "When I'm lying on my death bed I'm going to look back and wish I'd spent more time shopping with you." I don't think she even heard me, too engrossed with the task in hand and steering an overloaded trolley (we'd only gone in for milk, bacon and a bottle of red). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted December 21, 2015 Report Share Posted December 21, 2015 We needed some milk. I took her indoors to the local mini-supermarket and confirmed that was all we needed to get. I got a basket, which was a good sign as I was worried she would get a trolley. She then spent five minutes looking at the plants on the rack outside the door. Fortunately, didn't take any. By the time we got to the check-out I had two baskets, both full, on the way home all I got was 'I'm sure I've forgotten something'. Having said that, the bottle of wine, 2 bottles of beer and a six pack of crisps that I got weren't on the list either! markjazzbassist 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted December 21, 2015 Report Share Posted December 21, 2015 We needed some milk. I took her indoors to the local mini-supermarket and confirmed that was all we needed to get. I got a basket, which was a good sign as I was worried she would get a trolley. She then spent five minutes looking at the plants on the rack outside the door. Fortunately, didn't take any. By the time we got to the check-out I had two baskets, both full, on the way home all I got was 'I'm sure I've forgotten something'. Having said that, the bottle of wine, 2 bottles of beer and a six pack of crisps that I got weren't on the list either! You have to take care of the essentials though John! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted December 22, 2015 Report Share Posted December 22, 2015 Two old dears talking. One says 'what's a selfie'. The other says 'its what Bill used to do when I had a headache'. rubecula and Deacs 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hafnia Posted December 30, 2015 Report Share Posted December 30, 2015 Use the Google voice search option on your phone and say "what is an angry dragon" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted December 30, 2015 Report Share Posted December 30, 2015 Haf you should put a NSFW sticker on that mate PS it is not suitable for me either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hafnia Posted December 30, 2015 Report Share Posted December 30, 2015 (edited) Haf you should put a NSFW sticker on that mate PS it is not suitable for me either. What does the w stand for? I did actually think that - apologies for any offence caused. Edited December 30, 2015 by Hafnia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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