Hi all,
First time commenting on here (never knew it existed, looks like you get a lot of decent discussions). Any way below is an extract from a Villa fanzine Magazine ‘Heroes & Villains’ about our friendly neighbours. Was given to me from a Villa fan who I work with.
Just thought I would share it all with you (made me laugh)
LIVERPOOL INNOCENT OF ‘EVERYTHING’
Liverpool Football Club have been declared innocent of all crimes, ever. The surprise announcement, believed to be the first time such a declaration has been made outside the Vatican, came during a packed press conference at the club’s Anfield ground.
Manager Kenny Dalglish read a prepared statement in which he stated. “Our player Luis Suarez was recently judged to be guilty of racial abuse, despite his innocence. Two of our supporters have been accused of similar crimes, despite them also being innocent. In addition, we have been accused of attempting to tap up Aston Villa striker Darren Bent. We didn’t do this and neither did we speak to Stewart Downing before he signed for us, nor that one with the fat arse who went to Manchester. It was somebody else who did it and we can prove that”
Mr Dalglish continued, “It has become increasingly obvious to all of us at Liverpool that a vendetta is being conducted against the club and therefore we have decided that in order to prevent such cases from having to come to court in the future, we are innocent of everything. It wasn’t us, we weren’t there, and in any case Chelsea made us do it.”
The announcement is believed to have been applied retrospectively, which means amongst other things that Jan Molby’s prison sentence never happened, John Barnes was never abused by his own supporters, Graeme Souness is a paragon of virtue and no Liverpool fans have ever done anything at all.
It also applies to Liverpool players before they joined the club, meaning Craig Bellamy is completely innocent while Andy Carroll has done nothing wrong in his life. The recent arrest of Stewart Downing following a domestic incident is thought to have been quietly forgotten, if it ever happened at all. Dalglish certainly claimed never to have heard of it when asked.
When questioned about the legality of his announcement, Dalglish replied, “Nobody’s ever said I’ve done anything wrong, I’ve never been criticised, so it stands to reason I’m always right. I’ve decided this so it’s true.”
Dalglish then walked away with his fingers in his ears and his eyes shut, muttering “La-la-la-la. I can’t hear you, I can’t hear you.” Kenny Dalglish is 64.