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It's not mine, I don't know who writes it but I laughed at this and thought it was worthy of being shared:




‘Floods Destroy Goodison Homes’


from the Oldham Echo


By Dave Apprentice


This morning residents around Goodison Park were still trying to come to terms with the terrible floods that raged through their homes. As the clear up operation swung into gear officials described it as ‘the worst this season’.


The floods originated from the Extraordinary General Meeting of Everton Shareholders. There were incredible scenes when wealthy owner Bill Kenwright suddenly broke down in tears and confessed that other wealthier billionaire football club owners had been bullying him for years. A clearly distraught Mr Kenwright revealed how he’d been mocked and derided for only having one Rolls Royce, a solitary mansion and a single trophy wife. Sobbing uncontrollably he said, ‘Compared to everyone else I’m just a pauper. I’ve tried everything to keep little Davy, he’s my world, and I’ve tried to give him all that he wants but it’s so difficult. If he left me I don’t know how I’d carry on.’


By this time the floor of the meeting room was ankle deep in water, as club officials struggled to cope water cascaded down the stairs and into the streets below.


Within minutes the emergency services began to evacuate stunned residents, inflatable boats, canoes and yachts were commandeered. Emergency shelters began to house dazed residents.


A spokesperson for the Environmental Agency Michael Flood said, ‘This isn’t a one-off event, fans need to get used to this, it will happen every season. This should be the wake-up call, it’s a catastrophic warning about ‘Celebrity Takeover’, we had the first indications with Gazza in the 1990 World Cup. For everyone in denial this is the final proof that it is happening now, we need to take action before it is too late. Luckily we can plan for these events, next time there is an EGM, we’ll be prepared for a ‘Kenwright’ and we’ll make sure there are plenty of sandbags and evacuation routes.’


Ashen-faced city council leader Warren Bradley denied reports that staff were slow to respond. ‘I won’t have anyone calling the council crap, that’s my job. Within seconds of hearing about ‘Kenwright’ we sent all of our Public Relations Department down to Goodison, they were right there in the front line, disregarding any personal safety, helping all the reporters and journalists. As to claims that the pubs where people were evacuated to ran out of ale this happens every Saturday night, haven’t you been to a stay behind?’


This morning a tearful Enid Lake, 63, surveyed her mud stained living room, ‘I’ve lost everything, all that I claimed benefits for has been ruined. Thank God the community spirit is still alive, as soon as the water came in people started lifting stereos, TVs and radios downstairs so I could claim on the insurance. The water isn’t really the problem, it’s all the shite.’


Mr Kenwright was unavailable for comment.

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