Bill Posted December 1, 2009 Report Share Posted December 1, 2009 Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone. Are you choking? No, I really did! Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop! Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do? Use a pencil ‘till I get there Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell? Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu! Didn't I see you yesterday? Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something? Yes - here's a kite! Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?! Stick your foot out and trip it up! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Posted December 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 1, 2009 Some more ......... Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot. Don't worry it's just a chain reaction! Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee Buzz off can't you see I'm busy? Doctor these pills you gave me for BO... What's wrong with them? They keep slipping out from under my arms! Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage. Don't talk rubbish! Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep. That's baaaaaaaaaad! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Posted December 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 1, 2009 And yet some more ......... Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth. So why did you come around then? Well, I saw this light in the window...! Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee Have you tried taking the spoon out? Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon! Well sit still and don't stir! Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards. I'll deal with you later. Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me One at a time please Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots? I never make rash promises! OK, OK, I'LL GIVE IT A REST NOW. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted December 1, 2009 Report Share Posted December 1, 2009 You missed the finest one of all Bill... Doctor, doctor I don't know if I'm a wigwam or a teepee... You're too tense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted December 1, 2009 Report Share Posted December 1, 2009 doctor doctor, ive only got 59 seconds to live! Go sit down, i'll be with you in a minute.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted December 1, 2009 Report Share Posted December 1, 2009 "Doctor doctor every time I sneeze I have an orgasm!" "Good heavens man....are you taking anything for it?" "Pepper." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iggy Posted December 2, 2009 Report Share Posted December 2, 2009 Loved that last one Mike Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Posted December 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2009 Please sir can i have some more.? ..... MORE, MORE. (from which play) OK heres some more. "Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade." "Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?" "Yea, I shaved with the electric razor." "Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!" "Do you drink a lot?" "Not really - I spill most of it!" "Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?" "Yes, of course..." "Great! I never could before!" A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!" A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion." Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday. A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says. "Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks. "10..." says the doctor. "10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately. "10...9...8...7..." A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots." Patient: I always see spots before my eyes. Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help? Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer. A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Posted December 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2009 Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery: Oops! Has anyone seen my watch? That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual? OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Damn, there go the lights again... Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off. I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right? What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change! What do you mean, he's not insured? This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. What do you mean "You want a divorce"! I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice. Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch" That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that? Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving. Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards? Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse! FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.