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Bill

Couple of laughs.

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1. The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change."

 

2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist tw@ts. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

 

3. Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan?" He replies, "Outside playing with Paki-Dave".

 

4. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

 

5. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

 

6. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

 

7. Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

 

8. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a terrific service.

 

9. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

 

10. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindir Dundat.

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I asked the missus for a w*nk last night. Next minute she's got her key-ring around my kn*b. I thought to myself i'm getting fobbed off here.

 

The government have advised people to check their Olympic 2012 tickets aren't fake. I think i'll be ok, my tickets for the mens wheelchair triple jump look ok.

 

Woman answers phone to a pervert. He asks "have you got a tight hairy tw*t". Woman says " Yes he's watching telly, who shall I say is calling".

 

 

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I came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.'

I said 'I wish I had your will power.'

 

 

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.'

I said 'don't worry dear, you're bound to lose it eventually. '

 

 

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.

I thought to myself, no chance with a face like that!

 

 

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed, it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

 

 

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the field and shouts to him, Where am I. ?

The Irish farmer looks up and shouts, you cant fool me "You're in the basket up there."

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I came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.'

I said 'I wish I had your will power.'

 

 

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.'

I said 'don't worry dear, you're bound to lose it eventually. '

 

 

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.

I thought to myself, no chance with a face like that!

 

 

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed, it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

 

 

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the field and shouts to him, Where am I. ?

The Irish farmer looks up and shouts, you cant fool me "You're in the basket up there."

 

Ha ha. thththhysterical-1.gif

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Nike have started making trainers for Lesbians called "Nikes4Dykes" they have 50% more tongue and you can get them off with one finger....

 

 

My Girlfriend is so behind with the times. We were in the car yesterday and the new Amy Whinehouse single came on and she said that she would like to see her in concert

She didn't believe me when I tried to explain she had passed away, so just to keep the peace I said I would sort it out for her, Dear Jim.....</p>

 

 

As my wife and I dropped our son off at school, She handed him his Thomas the Tank Engine luchbox and kissed him on the forehead..

We then watched as He skipped through the gates "little gay tw@" I muttered "you're always so hard on him" said the wife "well come on" I replied " what kind of example is he setting to the other teachers?"

 

 

Bought my Son an IPad, my Daughter an Ipod. The wife got me an IPhone and I gpt her an IRon. She wasn't overjoyed even after I explained it can be intergrated with the IWash, ICook, IClean network.

This activated the INag software update which totally whiped out the IShag function.

 

 

I remember 9 months before I was born I went to a party with my Dad and left with Mum.....

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Did you realize

 

 

That In the last 10 Years we have lost Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, Steve Jobs & Jimmy Saville.

 

So now we are left with No Cash, No Jobs, No Hope & No one to Fix it.

 

 

 

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the state fair every year,

And every year Bill would say,

"Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Blanche always replied,

"I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

 

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

"Blanche, I'm 75 years old.

if I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Blanche replied,

"Bill, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

 

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

"Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

 

But still not a word...

 

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

"By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Bill replied,

"Well, to tell you the truth

I almost said something when Blanche fell out,

But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

 

 

 

 

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time

"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

 

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something.

"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."

 

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

 

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me for half an hour? I'm bloody starving."

 

 

 

 

 

Ive left this as it is because i'm fed up going back to edit it, what the fook has happened to the forum and will it be sorted ?

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The FA have agreed that if Manchester City win the premier league this season, the fans will be allowed into the stadium with flares. This is to remind them of what they were wearing the last time they won a league title.

 

 

I was out walking my wife's Chihuahua yesterday and really fancied a pint. 'Sorry mate, guide dogs only' said the landlord.'This is my guide dog'.'No mate, guide dogs are Labradors'.'Well what have they given me then?'

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All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked,

"Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

 

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a

coupla blocks and turn to your right."

 

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.

I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

 

The little boy replied with a chuckle.

"Ha Ha Ha you don't even know the way to the fookin Post Office."

 

 

- - - - -

 

 

A while back, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.

 

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

 

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne.

 

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

 

"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

 

I said, "Would you care for dessert?"

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God said, "Adam, Iwant you to do something for Me."

 

Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do You want me to do?"

 

God said, "Go down into that valley Adam said, "What's a valley?"

 

God explained it to him.Then God said, "Cross the river."

 

Adam said, "What's a river?"

 

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill...."

 

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

 

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

 

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

 

After God explained, Hesaid, "In the cave you will find a woman."

 

Adam said, "What's a woman?'

 

So God explained that to him and said, 'I want you to reproduce."

 

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

 

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."

 

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

 

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

 

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

 

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is itnow?"

 

And Adam said....

 

Whats a headache ???

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2 guys drunk in the pub.

One says "you know what? Last night I fucked your mother"

The other one answers "C'mon, Dad, it's late, let's go home".

 

*********************************************

 

"grandpa, do you and grandma still have sex?"

" yes lad, but only oral sex"

 

"whats oral sex grandpa?"

"I say 'fuck you', she says 'fuck you too'...."

 

:lol:

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Was in a night club last night and this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said "give me your phone number sexy". I said have you got a pen?" She smiled and said "yes". I said "well fuck off back to it before the farmer notices you're missing".

 

rofl.gifrofl.gifrofl.gifrofl.gif

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a Man went to an Indian restaurant, and asked the waiter for the hottest curry they had - a Prehistoric Vindaloo.

 

Afterwards, the guy said - 'Fucking hell, That was hot!, why do you call it a prehistoric vindaloo?'

 

'Because' said the waiter, 'in the morning, you'll wake up with a mega sore ass'

 

 

 

Three daughters all got married on the same day, and that night, their parents listened outside their bedroom doors.

 

They heard the first daughter laughing, the second crying, but the third one made no noise at all.

 

The next morning, their mother asked them all to explain.

 

'well' said the first, 'You always told me to laugh when something tickled'

 

'Well' said the second, 'You always told me to cry if something hurt'

 

'well', said the third, 'You always told me not to talk with my mouth full'

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