marcopaulo Posted October 4, 2016 Report Share Posted October 4, 2016 No one gives a shit what you post clearly rubecula 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted October 4, 2016 Report Share Posted October 4, 2016 (edited) No one gives a shit what you post clearly Been like that for a couple of years now, even my 'mates' are out for me. Boooooo......... Edited October 4, 2016 by Lowensda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcopaulo Posted October 4, 2016 Report Share Posted October 4, 2016 Awww diddums Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted October 4, 2016 Report Share Posted October 4, 2016 sorry Ten I knew I had seen it before, but forgot where Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post johnh Posted October 28, 2016 Popular Post Report Share Posted October 28, 2016 Old timer Everton fan, always at the game sat next to his wife. One game he is on his own and the guy on the other side asks him where is wife is. He says 'she's died'. The guy says 'oh, I'm really sorry. Don't you have any friends or relatives who can come with you'. The old guy says 'they're all at the funeral'. rubecula, Bailey, marcopaulo and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted November 8, 2016 Report Share Posted November 8, 2016 This is a bit of a confession. Of recent months and after some difficult times, it's time for me to admit to myself that I have an addiction. It's not always the best opening up on such matters in a public (and digital) domain but I feel this might be the best place to come 'clean' and tell you a little about my recent trip to rehab. I was in. I was out. In. out. Shook it all about. It was terribly hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey but i've turned myself around and that's what it's all about. rubecula 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted November 8, 2016 Report Share Posted November 8, 2016 This happened yesterday. I work for a company in the health and medical industry and we work very closely to Physicians and Nurses. Yesterday my office manager (call her P) told me about a conversation she had with a Dr earlier in the morning. She was on the phone to a highly respected Doctor, talking about reports etc and she was asking him a common question within the business, which word for word went: She asks; P - "...and Dr A, do you use a Dicta Phone?" His reponse; Dr A - "No, I use my fingers like everyone else" Honestly, when she told me I nearly died from belly laughing. Thought it was awesome. Obviously an oldie but a goodie. MikeO and rubecula 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted November 8, 2016 Report Share Posted November 8, 2016 This happened yesterday. I work for a company in the health and medical industry and we work very closely to Physicians and Nurses. Yesterday my office manager (call her P) told me about a conversation she had with a Dr earlier in the morning. She was on the phone to a highly respected Doctor, talking about reports etc and she was asking him a common question within the business, which word for word went: She asks; P - "...and Dr A, do you use a Dicta Phone?" His reponse; Dr A - "No, I use my fingers like everyone else" Honestly, when she told me I nearly died from belly laughing. Thought it was awesome. Obviously an oldie but a goodie. If is good enough for two medical professionals ....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Palfy Posted November 12, 2016 Report Share Posted November 12, 2016 Two nutters escaping from the asylum come up against a 10ft wall all they've got is torch one nutter says to the other I've got a great idea I'll climb on your back and get on top of the wall then I'll shine the torch down and you can climb up the beam the other one says you must think I'm stupid I know you when I'm half way up your turn the torch off Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted May 27, 2017 Report Share Posted May 27, 2017 Was a bit worried that her indoors would be a bit miffed that I bought her a fridge for her birthday, but her face lit up when she opened it. MikeO, Matt and rubecula 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted June 16, 2017 Report Share Posted June 16, 2017 It always amazes me that some clever people make millions of pounds from inventions that come about in the most mundane of circumstances. The guy who invented cats eyes in the road made millions. He was driving in the pitch black when his headlights reflected on the eyes of a cat walking down the road towards him and cats eyes in the road were born. Just think, if the cat had been walking the other way, he might have invented the pencil sharpener. Sibdane, Matt and rubecula 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted June 19, 2017 Report Share Posted June 19, 2017 You're an idiot sir,said the girl her man, one evening, while they walked along.You told me that love was a pain in the neck.If that's true, you're doing it wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted June 19, 2017 Report Share Posted June 19, 2017 I went to the supermarket on my bike to buy some rum, when I got there I thought what if I fall off my bike and break the bottle on the way back?So I drank all the rum which turned out lucky because I fell off my bike shit loads of times going home Matt, Sibdane and MikeO 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted June 27, 2017 Report Share Posted June 27, 2017 saw a lad in the street today with a steering wheel in his trousers. I had to ask him "What happened?" He answered "No idea, but it's driving me nuts." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted June 27, 2017 Report Share Posted June 27, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcopaulo Posted July 17, 2017 Report Share Posted July 17, 2017 This bird I was with the other night had an asthma attack..thought for a minute i was just doing well Matt 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted July 18, 2017 Report Share Posted July 18, 2017 marcopaulo, Sibdane, Matt and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted July 21, 2017 Report Share Posted July 21, 2017 Multi-millionaire businessman in the City of London went to his club for lunch at the same time every Friday. He passed a Tube station on the way and one day noticed a blind man selling homemade, carved, pencil cases for a fiver. He put a fiver in the bowl but didn't take a pencil case. He did this every Friday for six months. One Friday, as he put his fiver in the bowl, the blind man said 'are you the gentleman who puts five pounds in the bowl and never takes a pencil case.' Reluctantly, the businessman confirmed he was. 'The blindman said 'they're six quid now'. rubecula 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghoat Posted July 25, 2017 Report Share Posted July 25, 2017 Reminds me of the dyslexic cat owner who had a flat cap installed. Or the dyslexic agnostic insomniac, who laid wide awake in bed one night saying "There is no dog, there is no dog" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted August 13, 2017 Report Share Posted August 13, 2017 Researching my family history I found that my great grandfather stained furniture...............didn't mean to, I think its an age thing. rubecula and MikeO 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted August 14, 2017 Report Share Posted August 14, 2017 Researching my family history I found that my great grandfather stained furniture...............didn't mean to, I think its an age thing. Be careful...they say diarrhoea runs in your genes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted August 22, 2017 Report Share Posted August 22, 2017 From the Edinburgh Fringe... "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine holystove and Matt 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted August 23, 2017 Report Share Posted August 23, 2017 Brilliant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bailey Posted August 23, 2017 Report Share Posted August 23, 2017 From the Edinburgh Fringe... "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess These two are my favourite. I wonder whether the latter has ever been thought of before? Such a clever joke but its been there for thousands of years with it never being mentioned before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted August 23, 2017 Report Share Posted August 23, 2017 "Funnily" enough I just chose those out of a list on the BBC because they were my favourites from a list of "the best". The one that actually was voted funniest I personally didn't think anywhere near the best... "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-40999000 Bailey and rubecula 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted August 23, 2017 Report Share Posted August 23, 2017 I wonder whether the latter has ever been thought of before? Such a clever joke but its been there for thousands of years with it never being mentioned before. Reminds me of a chapter in one of my all time favourite books, A History of the World in 10½ Chapters by Julian Barnes. It's called "The Stowaways" and it's an account of the story by the only creatures not invited on the trip, woodworms (though as the title suggests, they were there ). Bailey 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Palfy Posted August 23, 2017 Report Share Posted August 23, 2017 The landmine for me still laughing every time I think of it, quality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted August 23, 2017 Report Share Posted August 23, 2017 two termites on the ark is a bit of a worry for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted August 23, 2017 Report Share Posted August 23, 2017 from last year: The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe"My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham "Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell "I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson "Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith "I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan "Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson "I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney "Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff "Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath "Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes "Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf "I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift "Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith "I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons "Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted September 2, 2017 Report Share Posted September 2, 2017 Wife says to her husband 'is it OK for my mother to come down for the week-end'? Husband says 'I thought she liked it up in the cockloft'. rubecula 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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