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Jokes thread


Avinalaff

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

This is a bit of a confession. Of recent months and after some difficult times, it's time for me to admit to myself that I have an addiction. It's not always the best opening up on such matters in a public (and digital) domain but I feel this might be the best place to come 'clean' and tell you a little about my recent trip to rehab. I was in. I was out. In. out. Shook it all about. It was terribly hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey but i've turned myself around and that's what it's all about.

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This happened yesterday.

 

I work for a company in the health and medical industry and we work very closely to Physicians and Nurses. Yesterday my office manager (call her P) told me about a conversation she had with a Dr earlier in the morning. She was on the phone to a highly respected Doctor, talking about reports etc and she was asking him a common question within the business, which word for word went:

 

She asks; P - "...and Dr A, do you use a Dicta Phone?"

His reponse; Dr A - "No, I use my fingers like everyone else"

 

Honestly, when she told me I nearly died from belly laughing. Thought it was awesome. Obviously an oldie but a goodie.

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This happened yesterday.

 

I work for a company in the health and medical industry and we work very closely to Physicians and Nurses. Yesterday my office manager (call her P) told me about a conversation she had with a Dr earlier in the morning. She was on the phone to a highly respected Doctor, talking about reports etc and she was asking him a common question within the business, which word for word went:

 

She asks; P - "...and Dr A, do you use a Dicta Phone?"

His reponse; Dr A - "No, I use my fingers like everyone else"

 

Honestly, when she told me I nearly died from belly laughing. Thought it was awesome. Obviously an oldie but a goodie.

If is good enough for two medical professionals ....... :)

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Two nutters escaping from the asylum come up against a 10ft wall all they've got is torch one nutter says to the other I've got a great idea I'll climb on your back and get on top of the wall then I'll shine the torch down and you can climb up the beam the other one says you must think I'm stupid I know you when I'm half way up your turn the torch off

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  • 6 months later...
  • 3 weeks later...

It always amazes me that some clever people make millions of pounds from inventions that come about in the most mundane of circumstances. The guy who invented cats eyes in the road made millions. He was driving in the pitch black when his headlights reflected on the eyes of a cat walking down the road towards him and cats eyes in the road were born. Just think, if the cat had been walking the other way, he might have invented the pencil sharpener.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Multi-millionaire businessman in the City of London went to his club for lunch at the same time every Friday. He passed a Tube station on the way and one day noticed a blind man selling homemade, carved, pencil cases for a fiver. He put a fiver in the bowl but didn't take a pencil case. He did this every Friday for six months. One Friday, as he put his fiver in the bowl, the blind man said 'are you the gentleman who puts five pounds in the bowl and never takes a pencil case.' Reluctantly, the businessman confirmed he was. 'The blindman said 'they're six quid now'.

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  • 3 weeks later...

From the Edinburgh Fringe...

 

"I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

 

"I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

 

"I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

 

"I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

 

"Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

 

"As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

 

"I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

 

"I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

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From the Edinburgh Fringe...

 

"I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

"I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

 

 

 

These two are my favourite.

 

I wonder whether the latter has ever been thought of before? Such a clever joke but its been there for thousands of years with it never being mentioned before.

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"Funnily" enough I just chose those out of a list on the BBC because they were my favourites from a list of "the best". The one that actually was voted funniest I personally didn't think anywhere near the best...

 

"I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-40999000

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I wonder whether the latter has ever been thought of before? Such a clever joke but its been there for thousands of years with it never being mentioned before.

 

Reminds me of a chapter in one of my all time favourite books, A History of the World in 10½ Chapters by Julian Barnes. It's called "The Stowaways" and it's an account of the story by the only creatures not invited on the trip, woodworms (though as the title suggests, they were there :P).

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from last year:

 

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe
  1. "My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham
  2. "Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell
  3. "I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson
  4. "Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith
  5. "I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan
  6. "Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson
  7. "I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney
  8. "Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff
  9. "Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath
  10. "Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes
  11. "Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf
  12. "I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift
  13. "Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith
  14. "I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons
  15. "Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol
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