Jokes thread

[Avinalaff]

Thought I'd cheer a few of you up.

 

Les Dawson

I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said, 'Why?' I said, 'She keeps waking up.'

She told me it was her 30th birthday. So I put thirty candles on her cake arranged in the shape of a question mark.

Duck goes into the chemist's shop.
'A tube of lipsol please.'
'Certainly, that will be fifty pence.'
'Put it on my bill, please.'

I said to my wife, 'Treasure' - I always call her Treasure, she reminds me of something that's just been dug up.

She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause.

I was in a play on TV once. It was one of those suspense plays. It kept you wondering... what's on the other channels?

Ours is a football marriage, we keep waiting for the other one to kick off

No laughs hey? I know the act smells, but I'm right on top of it and you don't hear me complain.

I was lying in bed the other morning playing a lament on my euphonium when the wife, who was prising her teeth out of an apple, looked back at me and said softly, 'Joey.' She calls me Joey because she always wanted a budgie. She said, 'I'm homesick.' I said, 'But precious one, this is your home.' She said, 'I know, and I'm sick of it.'

And some "Cooperisms":

I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said 'What for?'
He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'

I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'it hurts when I do that'
he said ' well don't do it'

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.
Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down.
'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'

We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it?
The Stewardess gave me chewing gum.
I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Authur's Close'. He said,
'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.
And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos.
So the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'.
'I'd like to stay here'
'Ok. Stay there'.

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'.
I said 'I want a second opinion'.
He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner'.
I said 'Dont worry - I'll get you a new cat'

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs.
She won, she had the hammer.

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife.
Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs....
but she's good with the kids....

Tommy Cooper was introduced to the Queen after a Royal Command Performance.
'Do you think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes Tommy,' said the Queen.
'You really thought I was funny?', said Tommy.
'Yes of course I thought you were funny' said the Queen.
'Did your Mother think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes, Tommy...' said the Queen, '...we both thought you were funny.'
'Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?' said Tommy.
'No, ..." said the Queen, '....but I might not be able to give you a full answer.'
'Do you like football?' said Tommy.
'Well not really ' said the Queen.'
'In that case, ...' said Tommy, '....do you mind if I have your Cup Final Tickets?'

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".

I bought my wife a wooden leg for christmas!
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......

Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'.
He said Hundreds & thousands?'
I said 'We'll start with one.'
He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"

For the scientifically minded.
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother HoChaChu.
But I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said
'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.

D'you know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine." So that was nice.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still,
what can you expect from a cross-breed.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
"Does this taste funny to you?"

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK
then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa",
I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

 

 

[Avinalaff]

_{And another:}

 

_{Stare at the spot and the b/w picture will become full colour.}

 

 

 

_Similar:

 

 

 

 

 

_{And another:}

 

 

Edited May 11, 2013 by Avinalaff

[marcopaulo]

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Unless he's a Vegetarian.

Then you can get there through his fanny.

 

 

loved that

 

 

 

The dogs in my area are so clumsy.

I've just had to untangle yet another one from a post outside the newsagents.

 

 

 

and that...so simple

Edited June 17, 2013 by marcopaulo

[Avinalaff]

Lol, it took me a second to get, but the second one I laughed more.

[rubecula]

 

 

I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner'.

I said 'Dont worry - I'll get you a new cat'

 

I have no idea why but I was pissing myself at that one

[marcopaulo]

your mrs a shit cook?

[rubecula]

No ... I am :shaking fist:

[Sideliner]

Teacher : " Johny , can you tell me the names 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into peoples lives ?"

Johny : " Dring-king , Smo-king and Bon-king ! "

[codders78]

A woman gives birth to twins but has to give them up for adoption

 

One goes to Egypt is called Amal the other to Spain and is called Juan

 

Several years later she gets a letter and photo from Juan and turns to her husband and says thats brilliant now I only need to know about Amal

 

He says "they are twins you silly bitch you seen Juan you seen Amal"

[SimonButtle]

It will be 90 degrees in most of Liverpool today, however Anfield will stay stuck in the 70's

[Dalziel Kane]

Paddy got a job on a building site and asked the foreman how he could help.

 

'Ive got a fork-lift license' said Paddy

 

'There's not much you can do now' said the foreman, 'but I could use a hand in making the tea'

 

'Why ?' said Paddy. 'How big is the fucking tea-pot ?'

[marcopaulo]

Paddy got a job on a building site and asked the foreman how he could help.

 

'Ive got a fork-lift license' said Paddy

 

'There's not much you can do now' said the foreman, 'but I could use a hand in making the tea'

 

'Why ?' said Paddy. 'How big is the fucking tea-pot ?'

 

 

i like that

 

reminds me of the manning joke:

 

Irish bloke goes for a job, boss says "Whats yer name?"

 

He says "Paddy Mulligan!", the boss says "How do you spell that?"

 

Paddy says "Stick the job up yer arse!

[Dalziel Kane]

?

 

Two Irishman decide to go fishing but realize when they arrive that they have left their equipment at home.

 

Paddy however, comes up with an idea.

 

"Murphy, you hold me by the ankles over the bridge, and when I see a fish, I'll grab it"

 

So, Murphy hangs him over the side

 

All of a sudden, Paddy shouts - "Murphy, pull me up quick"

 

Murphy asks , "Why paddy, have you caught a fish ?"

 

'No' says Paddy, "There's a fucking train coming"

[Mogsy]

A married couple, both in their 70's go for lunch at the tavern where the met. The husband leans over and asked his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over 50 yrs ago? We went behind this very travern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she said, "I remember it very well."

Ok, he said, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, "I've got to see these 2 old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they collaspe, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman is still watching and think to himself, "This is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is." So as the old couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"

[Avinalaff]

A married couple, both in their 70's go for lunch at the tavern where the met. The husband leans over and asked his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over 50 yrs ago? We went behind this very travern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she said, "I remember it very well."

Ok, he said, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, "I've got to see these 2 old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they collaspe, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman is still watching and think to himself, "This is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is." So as the old couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"

 

Oh dear

[rubecula]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”

I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough there was my wife’s golf ball…..stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, “Hey this looks like yours!”

[msloan78]

A 105 year old man was asked by a TV crew what the secret to his longevity was.

'It's because I gave up sex' he replied.

'When did you give up sex?' asked the reporter.

'10 years ago'

'Erm, I see' said the reporter. 'Would you mind telling our viewers why you gave up sex?'

'I had to' replied the man. 'I like older women'

[Dalziel Kane]

Paddy and Murphy are both at home when Paddy says to Murphy - 'do me a favor and run upstairs and fetch my slippers'

 

'No bother' says Murphy, and goes upstairs, to find Paddy's two stunning 18 year old daughters sitting on the bed.

 

'Hello here girls' says Murphy, 'your da' sent me up here to fuck you both.'

 

'Fuck off you liar !' say the twins together

 

'I'll prove it' Murphy says. So he shouts downstairs - "Both of them paddy ?"

 

'Of course' Paddy shouts back, 'What's the use of fucking one ?'

 

.........................................

 

 

Paddy and Mick went to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster.

 

Paddy missed the Tube and Mick came on the bus.

 

 

.........................................

 

 

Murphy and Mick are in a graveyard reading headstones.

 

Mick says 'Fuck me, there's a guy here who lived to be 151 years old'

 

'What's his name ?' says Murphy

 

'Miles from London' replied Mick

[Mogsy]

My misses says I care more about my fantasy football team than I do about her!!??

 

In my defence I have walker, kompany, luiz and baines!

[marcus jones]

Bought the wife some of that new perfume called chloroform, she don't like it, says it makes her sleepy and her bum sore......................

[Avinalaff]

Laughing here.

[Matt]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a large black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog, took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.....

[marcus jones]

Andy Coulson, filling ''red tops'' with column inches since 1988!!

[marcus jones]

I have been given a copy of Sir Alex Ferguson's new autobiography, but I just can't finish it. Every time I get to the end Howard Web adds another six pages................................

[Mogsy]

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."

The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."

He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"

The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yeah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long

Edited November 3, 2013 by mogsy

[Matt]

for Marco:

 

http://distractify.com/fun/humor/horrifyingly-cringeworthy-puns/

[rubecula]

Subject: A good pick up line!

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says:
'What the f*** do you want?'

'Ah!' he says "Ryanair".

[marcopaulo]

for Marco:

 

http://distractify.com/fun/humor/horrifyingly-cringeworthy-puns/

 

 

just seen this..you're a cock

[Matt]

 

 

just seen this..you're a cock

love you too

[Lowensda]

They're ace (the pun link).

 

Rubes - The old man loved that one.