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Jokes thread


Avinalaff

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Gamekeeper having a piss in the woods when his shotgun went off accidentally. After his operation in hospital the surgeon says 'we got all the buckshot out but its left you with holes in your willy, I will refer you to my sister'. The gamekeeper asks if his sister is a plastic surgeon and the surgeon says 'no, she plays flute in the orchestra and she will teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss all over the bathroom.'

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  • 2 weeks later...

Scotsman puts on his coat and hat to go to the pub. He says to his missus 'put your hat and coat on'. she says 'its ages since you took me to the pub'. He says ' I'm not taking you to the pub, I'm putting the heating off while I'm out'.

That's a joke from the royal family sitcom.

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A mother is making a cake for her three sons when she accidentaly dropps some BB pellets from the shelf into the batter. She decides that it won't matter and continues to make the cake. Later that day, her sons eat the cake and don't even notice the BBs.

 

The next day, when the mother is reading a magazine on the couch, one of her sons runs in saying, ''Mom, mom, I pissed out a beebee!''

She says ''That's okay, son. I accidentaly dropped some beebees into the cake batter. You'll be fine.''

 

Five minutes later, one of the other sons, come running in and he says, ''Mom, mom, I-'' but the mother cuts him off and she says, ''I know, I know, you pissed out a beebee. I dropped it into the cake batter, but you'll be fine.''

 

Then her last son runs in the room, and he says, ''Mom, mom, I-'' and the mother cuts him off and says, ''I know, I know, you pissed out a beebee. It's my fault for dropping it in the cake batter, but you'll be fine.'' But then son says, ''No, no, I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

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  • 2 weeks later...
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the ocean; but just before she could
throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

 

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we
are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

 

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always
wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.

 

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but
comfortable compartment in the ship's hold.

 

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a
bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

 

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain, during a routine
inspection.

 

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

 

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He
brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

 

"I see," the captain says.

 

Her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

 

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
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A very drunk man went on a bus one afternoon. The bus was pretty full as it was a busy day in town. Sitting on the bus was an 80 year old woman along with her poodle, sitting on her lap. The drunk man staggered along the bus and sat at the empty seat next to the old woman. Not amused, the woman huffed and puffed for the first 5 minutes of the journey, obviously unhappy about the state of the man next to her. After a few more huffs and puffs from the old woman, the man turned towards her and asked:

"What are you doing with that pig?"

Disgusted and ashamed of the man's lack of knowledge and rudeness, the old woman turned towards the man angrily and replied:

"This is not a PIG, this is a POODLE!"

To which the drunk man replied:

"I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the poodle!"

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  • 2 weeks later...

Police are asking Evertonians in relation to the recent allegations that Moyes assaulted someone

 

Evertonians are saying hes innocent, and that in 11 years theyve never seen Moyes come close to attacking anything...

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  • 3 weeks later...

David Cameron is visiting America. Barak Obama takes him to a top secret scientific laboratory. Keen to show off, Obama shows him a Time Machine that can accurately predict events 100 years in the future. 'Ask it a question' says Obama. So Cameron asks what England will be like in 100 years time. There is a whirring, bleeping, flashing of lights then out comes a print-out. Cameron looks at it for a few minutes and Obama, getting impatient says 'come on David, what does it say'? 'I don't know' says Cameron, 'its not in English'.

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David Cameron is visiting America. Barak Obama takes him to a top secret scientific laboratory. Keen to show off, Obama shows him a Time Machine that can accurately predict events 100 years in the future. 'Ask it a question' says Obama. So Cameron asks what England will be like in 100 years time. There is a whirring, bleeping, flashing of lights then out comes a print-out. Cameron looks at it for a few minutes and Obama, getting impatient says 'come on David, what does it say'? 'I don't know' says Cameron, 'its not in English'.

 

Sounds more like a UKIP election ad to me; jokes thread is the wrong place for it (particularly given the the fact that it's not remotely funny).

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MikeO. Very disappointed (and surprised) at your comment which I thought was way over the top.

 

Yeah I kind of regret it; I'd had a few drinks so went a bit over the top so I apologise for that.

 

(Still maintain it sounds like an extract from a UKIP pamphlet though ;))

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Yeah I kind of regret it; I'd had a few drinks so went a bit over the top so I apologise for that.

 

(Still maintain it sounds like an extract from a UKIP pamphlet though ;))

 

MikeO. No problem. I had assumed you had overdosed on PC (Pina Colada's) :rofl:

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David Cameron is visiting America. Barak Obama takes him to a top secret scientific laboratory. Keen to show off, Obama shows him a Time Machine that can accurately predict events 100 years in the future. 'Ask it a question' says Obama. So Cameron asks what England will be like in 100 years time. There is a whirring, bleeping, flashing of lights then out comes a print-out. Cameron looks at it for a few minutes and Obama, getting impatient says 'come on David, what does it say'?...

 

"It says the country's rejoicing because England won the World Cup."

"Wait a minute - something's wrong. That's 1,000 years in future."

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