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Jokes thread


Avinalaff

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ITV programmers are displaying their wiles.

The chief presenter is Adrian Chiles.

They decided that planning was a doddle,

When they uincluded bleedin Glen Hoddle.

Oh when will this madness cease?

Deport the lot and leave us in peace.

 

Another quality product brought to you by miss a goal ITV Sport

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Do not read this if easily offended

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A missionary trip to the south seas went wrong when the ship sank, only two people survived. A nun and a priest.

 

They got to a desert island but without any hope of a rescue, and eventually succumbed to the pleasures of the flesh.

 

After 2 years the nun had an attack of conscience over what she was doing and killed herself out of shame.

 

Another 6 months went by and the priest had an attack of conscience over what he was doing .... and buried the nun.

Edited by Rubecula
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  • 2 weeks later...

Elderly guy get his first computer. Switches on.

 

WINDOWS: Please enter password.

 

USER: cabbage

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, password must be more than 8 characters.

 

USER: boiled cabbage

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, password must contain 1 numeric character

 

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

 

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

 

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

 

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouCon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

 

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAcessNow

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

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Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment.

 

God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.

A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman.

 

"John, what happened?" Tony asks.

"I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to.

 

The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells

'Damn income taxes!'

whenever we have sex."

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A nun walks into an Off Licence and asks for a bottle of Whiskey. The man behind the counter is a little shocked and says "But you are a woman of the order. I should not be selling you whiskey."

 

"It is alright my good man" The nun replies. "It is for the Mother Superiors constipation."

 

"In that case" smiles the man, and sells her a bottle of Johnny Walker.

 

Later that evening he is locking up when he spots the Nun laying face down, drunk as a skunk in the gutter.

 

"I thought you told me the whiskey was for the Mother Superior's constipation." He accuses.

 

"It is" Hiccups the nun. "When she sees me like this she is going to shit herself."

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This stuff is great, keep it up.

I'll try my hand:

 

A woman is in the checkout line at a supermarket and puts bacon, eggs and milk on the conveyor belt when a gruff-looking, tough man walks up behind her.

He takes a look at the bacon, the eggs and the milk, then looks at her, smirks and says "you must be single".

The woman is taken aback and a bit confused.

She looks at him, then the bacon, eggs and milk, then back to the gruff man and says "well, yeah, but how did you know?"

 

The man responds "Because you're ugly as hell."

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That reminded me about the big fat ugly woman at the supermarket check-out with two unruly kids. A bloke in the queue said 'can't you keep your twins under control'. The woman said 'they are not twins, ones 12 and the other's 8, what makes you think they are twins'. The guy said 'they must be, no one would shag you twice'.

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Timing is off sadly, trial is over. Just the verdict to come.

 

But pretty sharp (if you ignore the fact that he's been winning "legless" all his life).

 

How sad am I; sitting in on a Saturday night analysing jokes :(.

If I had to rate how sad analyzing comments is, I'd give it a 5 out of 10.

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Timing is off sadly, trial is over. Just the verdict to come.

 

But pretty sharp (if you ignore the fact that he's been winning "legless" all his life).

 

How sad am I; sitting in on a Saturday night analysing jokes :(.

Not really since the Celtic verdict was only delivered yesterday ;)

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