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This is a bit of a confession. Of recent months and after some difficult times, it's time for me to admit to myself that I have an addiction. It's not always the best opening up on such matters in a public (and digital) domain but I feel this might be the best place to come 'clean' and tell you a little about my recent trip to rehab. I was in. I was out. In. out. Shook it all about. It was terribly hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey but i've turned myself around and that's what it's all about.

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This happened yesterday.

 

I work for a company in the health and medical industry and we work very closely to Physicians and Nurses. Yesterday my office manager (call her P) told me about a conversation she had with a Dr earlier in the morning. She was on the phone to a highly respected Doctor, talking about reports etc and she was asking him a common question within the business, which word for word went:

 

She asks; P - "...and Dr A, do you use a Dicta Phone?"

His reponse; Dr A - "No, I use my fingers like everyone else"

 

Honestly, when she told me I nearly died from belly laughing. Thought it was awesome. Obviously an oldie but a goodie.

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This happened yesterday.

 

I work for a company in the health and medical industry and we work very closely to Physicians and Nurses. Yesterday my office manager (call her P) told me about a conversation she had with a Dr earlier in the morning. She was on the phone to a highly respected Doctor, talking about reports etc and she was asking him a common question within the business, which word for word went:

 

She asks; P - "...and Dr A, do you use a Dicta Phone?"

His reponse; Dr A - "No, I use my fingers like everyone else"

 

Honestly, when she told me I nearly died from belly laughing. Thought it was awesome. Obviously an oldie but a goodie.

If is good enough for two medical professionals ....... :)

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Two nutters escaping from the asylum come up against a 10ft wall all they've got is torch one nutter says to the other I've got a great idea I'll climb on your back and get on top of the wall then I'll shine the torch down and you can climb up the beam the other one says you must think I'm stupid I know you when I'm half way up your turn the torch off

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It always amazes me that some clever people make millions of pounds from inventions that come about in the most mundane of circumstances. The guy who invented cats eyes in the road made millions. He was driving in the pitch black when his headlights reflected on the eyes of a cat walking down the road towards him and cats eyes in the road were born. Just think, if the cat had been walking the other way, he might have invented the pencil sharpener.

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You're an idiot sir,
said the girl her man,
one evening, while they walked along.
You told me that love was a pain in the neck.
If that's true, you're doing it wrong.

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I went to the supermarket on my bike to buy some rum,
when I got there I thought what if I fall off my bike and break the bottle on the way back?
So I drank all the rum which turned out lucky because I fell off my bike shit loads of times going home

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saw a lad in the street today with a steering wheel in his trousers.


I had to ask him "What happened?"


He answered "No idea, but it's driving me nuts."


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Multi-millionaire businessman in the City of London went to his club for lunch at the same time every Friday. He passed a Tube station on the way and one day noticed a blind man selling homemade, carved, pencil cases for a fiver. He put a fiver in the bowl but didn't take a pencil case. He did this every Friday for six months. One Friday, as he put his fiver in the bowl, the blind man said 'are you the gentleman who puts five pounds in the bowl and never takes a pencil case.' Reluctantly, the businessman confirmed he was. 'The blindman said 'they're six quid now'.

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Reminds me of the dyslexic cat owner who had a flat cap installed.

Or the dyslexic agnostic insomniac, who laid wide awake in bed one night saying "There is no dog, there is no dog"

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Researching my family history I found that my great grandfather stained furniture...............didn't mean to, I think its an age thing.

Be careful...they say diarrhoea runs in your genes.

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From the Edinburgh Fringe...

 

"I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

 

"I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

 

"I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

 

"I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

 

"Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

 

"As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

 

"I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

 

"I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

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From the Edinburgh Fringe...

 

"I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

"I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

 

 

 

These two are my favourite.

 

I wonder whether the latter has ever been thought of before? Such a clever joke but its been there for thousands of years with it never being mentioned before.

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"Funnily" enough I just chose those out of a list on the BBC because they were my favourites from a list of "the best". The one that actually was voted funniest I personally didn't think anywhere near the best...

 

"I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-40999000

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I wonder whether the latter has ever been thought of before? Such a clever joke but its been there for thousands of years with it never being mentioned before.

 

Reminds me of a chapter in one of my all time favourite books, A History of the World in 10½ Chapters by Julian Barnes. It's called "The Stowaways" and it's an account of the story by the only creatures not invited on the trip, woodworms (though as the title suggests, they were there :P).

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from last year:

 

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe
  1. "My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham
  2. "Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell
  3. "I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson
  4. "Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith
  5. "I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan
  6. "Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson
  7. "I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney
  8. "Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff
  9. "Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath
  10. "Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes
  11. "Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf
  12. "I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift
  13. "Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith
  14. "I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons
  15. "Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol

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Man phoned work to say he had a problem and would be late in.  'What problem' they asked.  He said 'my wife reversed the car out of the garage'.  'Why is that a problem' says work.

'I reversed it in' says the guy.

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It was a time of cost cutting, & every Govt. Dept. had been told to scale back the overheads. 

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
Oh Man!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Chief calmly replied... "Vietnam."

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This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary

 

 Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!% !@*!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A- ... that hurt like hell!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock...

 

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1 hour ago, johnh said:

Boots the Chemist are offering limited edition tampons with tinsel instead of string 'tail'.  They are only available for the Christmas period.

ffs  I was sipping a rather nice whiskey when I read that, I nearly choked :shakingfist:

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1 hour ago, johnh said:

When asked her views on Carillion, Diane Abbott said 'is that more or less than a thousand'.

She should've called George Osborne, he's good at making up numbers

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2 minutes ago, johnh said:

Osborne's gone,  Abbott is still there.

Was just making a joke on his atrocious record of budget "management" John :)

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Man takes wife to a disco. There's a bloke on the dance floor giving it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says see that guy 25 years ago proposed to me and I turned him down. Husband says looks like he's still fucking celebrating.

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