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Avinalaff

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Scotsman on his deathbed in Edinburgh, surrounded by his wife, two daughters, his son and a nurse. He whispers 'Bernie, take the Braid Hill Houses. Sybil, take the flats over in Morningside ad Bruntsfield. Tam, I want you to take the offices in Charlotte Square. Sarah my dearest wife, please take all the residential buildings in the New Town. Then he slips away. The nurse says to his wife 'he must have worked very hard to acquire all those properties'. 'Properties' snorts his wife, 'they're paper rounds'.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I know this is an old one but there may be one or two younger posters who haven't seen it. It is the letter written by an employee to the Personnel Department, explaining his absence.

 

Sir

Following the recent gales, I inspected my roof and found some bricks had come loose which needed replacing. I rigged up a beam with a pulley at the top of the house and hoisted up a barrel full of new bricks. After I had finished laying the new bricks I had to dispose of the old bricks. I had lowered the barrel back down to the ground so I hoisted the barrel back up and climbed down to secure the line at the bottom. I climbed back up and filled the barrel with the old bricks. Then I climbed down to the bottom and unfastened the line. The barrel of bricks was heavier than me and as the barrel started down, I was jerked off the ground. I decided to hang on but half-way up I met the barrel coming down and received a severe blow on the shoulder. I then continued to the top banging my head against the beam and trapping my fingers in the pulley. When the barrel hit the ground it burst open at the bottom and all the bricks spilled out. I was now heavier than the barrel so started down at high speed. Half-way down I met the barrel coming up and received severe injuries to my legs. When I hit the ground I landed on the old bricks getting several painful cuts from the sharp edges. At this point I think I lost my presence of mind because I let go of the line and the barrel descended giving me a heavy blow to my head, putting me in hospital. Sir, as soon as I am able to walk, I will send a sick note.

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I know this is an old one but there may be one or two younger posters who haven't seen it. It is the letter written by an employee to the Personnel Department, explaining his absence.

 

Sir

Following the recent gales, I inspected my roof and found some bricks had come loose which needed replacing. I rigged up a beam with a pulley at the top of the house and hoisted up a barrel full of new bricks. After I had finished laying the new bricks I had to dispose of the old bricks. I had lowered the barrel back down to the ground so I hoisted the barrel back up and climbed down to secure the line at the bottom. I climbed back up and filled the barrel with the old bricks. Then I climbed down to the bottom and unfastened the line. The barrel of bricks was heavier than me and as the barrel started down, I was jerked off the ground. I decided to hang on but half-way up I met the barrel coming down and received a severe blow on the shoulder. I then continued to the top banging my head against the beam and trapping my fingers in the pulley. When the barrel hit the ground it burst open at the bottom and all the bricks spilled out. I was now heavier than the barrel so started down at high speed. Half-way down I met the barrel coming up and received severe injuries to my legs. When I hit the ground I landed on the old bricks getting several painful cuts from the sharp edges. At this point I think I lost my presence of mind because I let go of the line and the barrel descended giving me a heavy blow to my head, putting me in hospital. Sir, as soon as I am able to walk, I will send a sick note.

 

It's far funnier when you listen to the genius that was Gerard Hoffnung telling it. Superb timing.

 

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We don't talk about the incident often, but one of my cousins once spent time in jail. He was innocent of course, and that eventually came to light, but the time of his imprisonment was awkward. My uncle managed to make ends meet by spending countless hours working on his allotment. I say allotment, but it was really a sloping field close to his home in mid-Cornwall. Anyway, my cousin was arrested right before potato planting season, and my uncle was rather stuck without him being there to help. His writing was none to good, but he wrote to my cousin: "so wish you wuz ere cuz kant plant me bleddy spuds, ground jus to ard". My cousin wrote back to him right away: "dont ye touch the field wile Im gone, ye stupid bugger. thats wer I burried the guns!". Of course, there's no privacy in jail, and the police intercepted the message. The next day, twenty of them turned over that field inch by inch, but they never found anything. Next day my cousin wrote again: "Ye can plant yer spuds now dad. Best I cud do from ere."

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I know this is an old one but there may be one or two younger posters who haven't seen it. It is the letter written by an employee to the Personnel Department, explaining his absence.

 

Sir

Following the recent gales, I inspected my roof and found some bricks had come loose which needed replacing. I rigged up a beam with a pulley at the top of the house and hoisted up a barrel full of new bricks. After I had finished laying the new bricks I had to dispose of the old bricks. I had lowered the barrel back down to the ground so I hoisted the barrel back up and climbed down to secure the line at the bottom. I climbed back up and filled the barrel with the old bricks. Then I climbed down to the bottom and unfastened the line. The barrel of bricks was heavier than me and as the barrel started down, I was jerked off the ground. I decided to hang on but half-way up I met the barrel coming down and received a severe blow on the shoulder. I then continued to the top banging my head against the beam and trapping my fingers in the pulley. When the barrel hit the ground it burst open at the bottom and all the bricks spilled out. I was now heavier than the barrel so started down at high speed. Half-way down I met the barrel coming up and received severe injuries to my legs. When I hit the ground I landed on the old bricks getting several painful cuts from the sharp edges. At this point I think I lost my presence of mind because I let go of the line and the barrel descended giving me a heavy blow to my head, putting me in hospital. Sir, as soon as I am able to walk, I will send a sick note.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Young woman going into the Supermarket sees the bloke she met in the pub the previous evening and who had his wicked way with her. The bloke is stacking packs of washing powder onto the shelves.

'You lying toad' she shouted, 'you told me you were a stunt pilot'. 'No' he said, 'I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team'.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Young 10 year old lad walking along the street. Car pulls up alongside him and the driver says 'get in and I'll give you a lollipop' Boy says 'no'. Man says 'I'll make it a bag of lollipop's', Boy says 'no way'. The boy continues on his way with the car crawling alongside. The man says 'I'll give you a fiver as well as the lollipop's'. The boy tells him to do one. The man says 'this is my final offer £20 and a bag of lollipop's'. The lad says 'listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it'.

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We're a little over an hour's drive from Tennessee, perhaps the most musical state in the nation, from where the following news story emerged. A local resident with the auspicious name Glenn Miller (and too much money, it seems) spent over $800 on a pair of individually-tailored soft leather shoes. The high price was in part due to the local store using an emerging technology that uses X-rays to map precisely the contours of each foot and hence to determine how best to customize the size and shape of each shoe. Glenn, apparently, was delighted with his new shoes and decided to show them off: He put them on display in his house and invited around several neighbours and friends. Someone obviously left the front door open and, while guests cracked podiatric jokes over a few too many glasses of wine, a playful young tabby entered the house, made a bee-line for the new shoes (some lingering smell from the manufacturing process must have attracted it), and began to feast on them. By the time one of the guests noticed what was happening, the cat was already running out of the house. Glenn's new shoes, of course, were pretty much ruined, and certainly not in any fit shape to wear. It looked to all as if $800 had just been flushed down the toilet.

 

Glenn thought he recognized the tabby and, since the US is a rather litigious society, decided to hunt it down and trace the owner (most pets these days are fitted with identity chips for just that purpose). His visiting neighbours and friends joined in the search, and soon all you could hear in the vicinity was "here, kitty kitty." It became such an odd spectacle that a passer-by decided to call the police. They arrived in short order, learned quickly of the situation, and (after a few stifled chuckles) joined the search for the dastardly feline: "hear, kitty kitty." Given the professionalism and efficiency of the law enforcement officials, due in no small part to the fact that a local news crew, with cameras, had appeared on the scene, it took them only a few minutes to bring the search to a seemingly successful conclusion. Following a brief scuffle and some loud squeals, a uniformed officer gave a shout and lifted a guilty-looking tabby into the air. It was then that he turned to Glenn Miller and sang the immortal line: "Pardon me, sir. Is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?"

Edited by Cornish Steve
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  • 4 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
Guest rusty747

After the Newcastle game I rang the Samaritans. Apparently, like most other 'service centres' they have been out sourced to India and Pakistan. They got all excited when I told them I was feeling suicidal and asked me if I could drive a lorry!

Edited by rusty747
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The ice hockey thread reminded me of the old joke about the World Ice Skating championship. In the men's event the Irish skater skated out to the middle to wait for the music to start. It started before he was ready and in his panic he slipped and banged the back of his head. on the ice. In his haste to get up he then slipped and fell on his face, splattering his nose all over the ice. They brought a stretcher on and carried him off. The Chairman of the Judges said that the rules stipulated that they go to the judges for the marks. Russian judge = 0,

American judge = 0, Swedish judge = 0, French judge = 0, German judge = o, British judge = 0, Irish judge = 5.9. The Chairman of the judges raced over to the Irish judge and asked him how he could award 5.9. The Irish judge said 'be fair, it's bloody slippy out there'.

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