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daib0

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Here's a story for you all



Once upon a time there was a King who wanted to go fishing.


He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather

forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there

was no chance of rain in the coming days.


So the King went fishing with his wife, the Queen. On the way he met

a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the King the farmer said, "Your

Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a

short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".


The King was polite and considerate; he replied: "I hold the palace

meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and

experienced professional, and besides, I pay him very high wages. He

gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on

my way." So he continued on his way.


However, a short time later, an absolutely torrential downpour of rain fell from the sky.

The King and Queen were totally soaked and, well, their entourage chuckled upon

seeing them in such a shameful condition.


Rather furious, the King soon returned to the palace and gave the order to sack

the professional upon immediate effect.


He then summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role

of royal forecaster.


But the farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about

forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my

donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."


So the King by-passed him and hired the donkey.


And thus began the practice of hiring dumb *sses to work in the

government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.


And what's more, the practice is unbroken to this date...

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An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered.
"I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband.
"And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

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Anyone seen the trailer for the new film, "Constipated"?

 

Well, to be fair, it hasn't come out yet.

 

 

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free.

 

Bit early but good to see you're getting the "embarrassing dad" jokes sorted. Dance moves next :lol:.

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

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Mourinho is getting desperate about Chelsea's abysmal performances in the league. He's encouraged the players, threatened the players, and ridiculed the players - but nothing's worked. So last night, he decided to bring in a world-renowned hypnotist. The entire Chelsea squad attended a meeting with him in the dressing room after practice. The hypnotist's voice lulled them into a dreamy state: "Watch the watch. Watch the watch. Watch the watch..." Then, in a moment of clumsiness, the hypnotist dropped the watch and it smashed on the floor. "Crap!"

 

Apparently, it's going to take the janitors until the weekend to clean the dressing room floor.

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As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"


The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too f**king late pal, I've already done the paperwork."

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Can we change the name of this thread !

 

I can't find one thing fuc%ing funny about corners........we can't defend them and we've only scored one goal from a corner in the last 3 years ! :(

 

If it's true Martinez doesn't practice them, then he needs a good kick up the arse.And, if it's not true, kick him anyway!

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Man U fan goes into the Travel Agents and asks for a recommendation for a winter holiday in the sun. Travel Agent says 'you can't beat the Canaries in December.'

 

If you made that up :worship[1]:.

 

If not thanks for posting it anyway.

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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"


She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."


"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?


"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.


"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?'


"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."


The judge said, "Do you have a real grudge?"


"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."


"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?'


"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."


"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"


"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."


Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"


"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."


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11025629_856742261028076_993166924447176

 

That's not a joke J, it's an unarguable truth.

 

Said to my wife in a supermarket the other day, "When I'm lying on my death bed I'm going to look back and wish I'd spent more time shopping with you." I don't think she even heard me, too engrossed with the task in hand and steering an overloaded trolley (we'd only gone in for milk, bacon and a bottle of red).

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We needed some milk. I took her indoors to the local mini-supermarket and confirmed that was all we needed to get. I got a basket, which was a good sign as I was worried she would get a trolley. She then spent five minutes looking at the plants on the rack outside the door. Fortunately, didn't take any. By the time we got to the check-out I had two baskets, both full, on the way home all I got was 'I'm sure I've forgotten something'. Having said that, the bottle of wine, 2 bottles of beer and a six pack of crisps that I got weren't on the list either!

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We needed some milk. I took her indoors to the local mini-supermarket and confirmed that was all we needed to get. I got a basket, which was a good sign as I was worried she would get a trolley. She then spent five minutes looking at the plants on the rack outside the door. Fortunately, didn't take any. By the time we got to the check-out I had two baskets, both full, on the way home all I got was 'I'm sure I've forgotten something'. Having said that, the bottle of wine, 2 bottles of beer and a six pack of crisps that I got weren't on the list either!

 

You have to take care of the essentials though John!

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My wife and I went to the Royal Show and one of the first exhibits we
stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and
there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, 'He
mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice!
a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day .You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

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Young Indian lad name of Mujibar goes for a job at a call centre in Mumbai. The Head of Personnel says 'give me a sentence with the words green, pink and yellow in. Mujibar says 'the phone goes green, green, I pink up and say yellow Mujibar here'. He got the job.

You've probably spoken to him.

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Young Indian lad name of Mujibar goes for a job at a call centre in Mumbai. The Head of Personnel says 'give me a sentence with the words green, pink and yellow in. Mujibar says 'the phone goes green, green, I pink up and say yellow Mujibar here'. He got the job.

You've probably spoken to him.

 

Ha.

 

Funny enough I had a brilliant chat with an Indian lass at a call centre last week (Talk-Talk). She was really funny, easy to understand and did me a really good deal.

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Mary recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? I bought that too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

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