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Toffeecat

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  1. Toffeecat

    Homerisms

    "Save me Jeeebus!"
  2. Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts." Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself." Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets." Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now." Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night." 'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees." Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg." Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off." Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this." James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?" Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69." The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection." Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions." Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it." A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is ! that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!" Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew." Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him." Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
  3. "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."! Woody Allen "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL." Lynn Lavner "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia "Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams "Women need a reason to have sex Men just need a place." Billy Crystal ! ; "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm ! doing. Just show me somebody naked'." Jerry Seinfeld "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams " It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers " Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin " You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips " Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde " It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Bu sh
  4. Toffeecat

    Oldie!

    Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin in my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand". The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. When he returned he had a piece of toilet paper hanging from his a*se The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Irishman glanced around behind and said..... "B-jesus, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax!
  5. Toffeecat

    Women

    A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump up his a*se.
  6. Half Life .. the Orange Box. What can I say 5 games on one disc..... original totally ruined my degree years ago but Oh well! C'est la vie!
  7. Yeah but is that gonna be for Everton or the Reds (what with all the trouble they are having at the min)?
  8. Hang on .. am I behind the thread topic ... but I thought they had signed him for 5.57 million. Just watched a vid of him saying he wants to help them stay up. Apologies if I'm behind the times! Okay.. fast forward.. just read the later threads... sorry!
  9. We actually got them given to us (nicely enuff!) and it doesnt say on the tickets. As far as I can see they are in the Gwladys St corner. Is the view there completely abysmal?
  10. Hi, I have 2 tickets for the Lower Bullens tomorrow. They are Row N. Any ideas if these are obstructed views as I normally sit in the Family Enclosure or Gwladys St. Thnx
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