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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house,where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"



There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.

The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son.

He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"!



A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwarz is dead!"



A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent"

"ONE CENT?" exclaimed the man.

The barman replied "Yes". So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly, Sir" replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the man.

"4 cents" he replied. "FOUR CENTS?" exclaims the man."Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his business!!"



Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.

She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.

Her praying roused him from his slumber.

He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky, my darling," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess."

"There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's alright, go to sleep."

"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."

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FAF, would like to add one of my own to this "affairs" line.


A man is in his bedroom looking for his best watch, he has looked high and low and decides to look in the only place he hasn't checked, his wifes wardrobe.


At the back of the wardrobe he finds a shoe box with 3 eggs and £500 in notes, puzzled he puts the box back where he found it.


His wife arrives home from work and he confronts her with his findings,


"I cannot lie to you, each time I was unfaithful I placed an egg in the shoe box"


The husband thinks three eggs in twenty two years of marriage, not bad.


"But what about the money?"


The wife looks at him and says "Each time I got a dozen eggs I sold them".





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