Lowensda Posted April 13, 2010 Report Share Posted April 13, 2010 (edited) I came across this cracking website tother day called Sickipedia, its full of non pc and quite ludacris jokes. However there are some really really funny ones! Here's the link: http://www.sickipedia.org/ And here's some of my faves (Hopefully not offensive) 1. My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deep throat blow job today. "Really!?" "No," she replied, "April Fogarbnsrgabsjg...." That'll teach her to try to be funny... 2. My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower. I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally." She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!" "Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're having a shit." 3. I was sucking off this bird last night when I thought, "Wait a minute..." 4. I got out of the shower and my wife said, "Ooo look, it's like a penis ... only smaller". I said, "Ooo look, it's like my secretary ... only fatter and less flexible". 5. I wonder what Cambridge University Netball Team abbreviate their name to? 6. I was having dinner with MC Hammer and Chico last night when I asked if anyone had the time. It was absolute carnage. 7. I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous! I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can." I said, "I think my cock tastes funny..." 8. My wife said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave." I said, "You pack them." Feel free to add your favourites below:- Edited April 13, 2010 by tenaciousj Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted April 13, 2010 Report Share Posted April 13, 2010 gutted, work blocks the site! just as well as ive already disrupted the meeting once with uncontrolable laughing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted April 13, 2010 Author Report Share Posted April 13, 2010 Dude the site is immense! Get on it any way you can lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcopaulo Posted April 13, 2010 Report Share Posted April 13, 2010 love it! been a fan for months now i cant believe you have only just found it?! i thought it was common knowledge or else id have shared one of my favs was: ''what does stevie wonder call a basketball??'' ''the never-ending story'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted April 14, 2010 Author Report Share Posted April 14, 2010 Im blocked from the works computer and this stupid 02Access crap that stops me going on websites that have swear words on, WTF!"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 4, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2010 Went hiking with my mate the other day, half way to the summit I fell, slipping a disc in my spine. He looked at me and grinned saying "I guess you could call this 'Brokeback' mountain". "Very funny, but I haven't broken my back." "I know, but I'm about to fuck you." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 4, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2010 I was leaving the neighbour's house today as their kid was coming in. I looked at him and said, "Well, it's Harry Potter." He replied, "Very clever - because of the glasses?" "No, I just murdered your parents." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 4, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2010 As I was having a quickie with the wife on the kitchen table I thought "Maybe should have waited until the kids had finished eating". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 4, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2010 Neil Robertson will beat Graham Dott 18 - 13. John Higgins told me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 4, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2010 Carlsberg don't do fat, ugly, vulnerable birds who are getting more and more desperate by the second in the realization that they'll be going home alone tonight, unlike all of her friends, But I do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 4, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2010 Next season the FA are introducing a new rule. At free kicks and corners opposing teams are not allowed to put the Arsenal goalkeeper under any pressure. His manager and his mum don't like it, and he gets all upset. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 4, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2010 I'm absolutely knackered from my French self-defence class last night. I've never run so far in all my life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 4, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2010 I had sex with a girl called Intel last night. I fucked her up her bum... bum bum bum bum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 4, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2010 Offensive - So don't read if you're easily offended... The sun is shining, it's really warm and there's not a cloud in the sky. No noise or pollution from planes flying overhead. Think I'll stroll down to the pub by the river for a cool pint or two... everyone's relaxed, the girls are in skimpy clothes and no cunt is asking me for donations. I hope you're watching, Haiti, Chile, China, Pakistan.... This is how us white folks do a natural disaster! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 4, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2010 Hats off to the Icelandic people. First they declared themselves bankrupt... Then they set their island on fire.... Anyone else smell the mother of all insurance frauds? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 4, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2010 kennyw10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcopaulo Posted May 4, 2010 Report Share Posted May 4, 2010 shouldn't most of these be on the sickipedia page? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 5, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 5, 2010 shouldn't most of these be on the sickipedia page? Yurp...a merge please mods Under Random Jokage though Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted May 7, 2010 Report Share Posted May 7, 2010 what did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcopaulo Posted May 7, 2010 Report Share Posted May 7, 2010 2 fish in a tank..one says to the other 'how the fuck do you drive this?!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Churinga2 Posted May 7, 2010 Report Share Posted May 7, 2010 Knock knock Whos there? Meta-humor Meta-humor who? Punchline! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 16, 2010 My mate called me a retard earlier. I almost choked on my window. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 16, 2010 I was working at my local polling station last night and had to turn a lot of people away... Stupid women thinking they're allowed to vote. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 16, 2010 My wife said to me, "I've just heard some great news, apparently the police know who the local paedophile is and they are going to arrest him tonight." I said, "That's brilliant news. Let's celebrate by moving to Australia." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 16, 2010 I love it when the ice cream van starts coming round - I can see what's on offer for the long summer months. And which of them can deep throat a Mini Milk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 16, 2010 (edited) I was supposed to go on a date last night, and the girl I was meeting called me this morning, very upset that I didn't show up. I said, "Sorry about that, I suffer from premature ejaculation." "Well that's very unfortunate," she replied, "but if you were embarrased about something you could have turned up and explained it to me." "I wasn't embarrased about it," I explained, "I came in my pants on the way to the restaurant, and suddenly didn't see the point in paying for your dinner." Edited May 16, 2010 by tenaciousj Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 16, 2010 My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador. It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 16, 2010 This new "in private" browsing mode in Internet Explorer is rubbish. Everyone in the internet cafe can still see me wanking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 16, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 16, 2010 I was watching a porno and this girl managed to gag on the bloke's cock for up to five minutes at a time. Amazed by such a performance, I tried this with my wife and ended up killing her. Turns out that I just have a slow internet connection. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 21, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2010 OFFENSIVE *** I was stood at the urinal when a black guy stood next to me. I turned to him and said, "I fucking hate you black bastards!" He looked at me, obviously hurt, and said, "Why? I'm a human being just like you. I have a family, I have a job, I pay tax. Why let stereotypes dictate how you treat people? Why so much hatred for someone that you don't even know?" Then he looked down at my cock and said, "Oh... fair enough, mate." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.