Lowensda Posted May 21, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2010 Got talking to a Chinese girl at Uni the other day, she was saying how almost every single piece of clothing she owns was hand-made by her own grandmother. She didn't laugh when I said that she'd probably made a fair few of mine too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 21, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2010 I was watching porn with the missus and she complained "This is so unrealistic." I said, "Just because you're unwilling to try new things, doesn't mean everyone's that frigid." "Not that," she explained, "It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 21, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2010 I said to my girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud." Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded." What fun that was... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 21, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2010 I explained to the doctor, "Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really bad headache." "It's a migraine," he explained. "No, it's not, it's mine - and why the fuck have you started speaking Italian?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 21, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2010 Megan Fox is not going to act in the upcoming sequel, "Transformers 3". And whether she acted in 1 and 2, still remains to be seen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 21, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2010 If you ever want to get away with rape, simply hire a wolf outfit from a fancy dress shop. On the first night tap on a young girl's window, and before her parents come, run away and hide. On the second night, repeat. On the third night, STRIKE - no one will ever believe her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 21, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2010 My FB status, love this one.. My wife said I have commitment issues, So I two-footed slide tackled her Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcopaulo Posted May 24, 2010 Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 I explained to the doctor, "Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really bad headache." "It's a migraine," he explained. "No, it's not, it's mine - and why the fuck have you started speaking Italian?" love that one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 26, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2010 These new 3D TVs are so realistic. I fell asleep whilst watching a Liverpool game and when I woke my fucking wallet was gone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 26, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2010 I got caught up in a bar fight last night and someone hit me over the head with a stool. I'm still picking bits of shit out my hair Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 26, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2010 Every two hours someone dies in a train accident. This is why I take a zebra with me whenever I ride the train. Ever heard of a zebra being killed in a train accident? ********************************************************************************************* Nothing quite says "I've got explosive diarrhoea" like sitting on the toilet with your shirt around your nipples. ********************************************************************************************** Introducing..... From the people who brought you the George Foreman Grilling Machine..... The all new Muhammed Ali Cocktail Shaker, in stores now. *********************************************************************************************** Stephen Hawking has said that he will 'give his body for scientific research' when he dies. I can't help but think with that machine he'd get a much better deal on webuyanycar.com. ************************************************************************************************ I had a joke deleted the other day due to it being "racism without any humorous merit." I couldn't help but think: "Is there such a thing?" ************************************************************************************************ Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command. ************************************************************************************************* Blackpool are 500/1 to win the Premier League next year. Which means if you put just £20 on them at the start of the season, you will lose £20. ************************************************************************************************* My son will soon be getting to that age where he acts like my cat. He'll start bringing birds home in such poor condition I'll have to take them into the backyard and kill them with a brick. ************************************************************************************************** Wonder woman hasn't actually got a cape, She just turned her apron around. ************************************************************************************************** I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, "Is he on standby?" ************************************************************************************************** Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted June 25, 2010 Report Share Posted June 25, 2010 my missus asked me "when youre away on your lads trips, do you think about me?" Apparently "only to stop myself coming too quickly" was the wrong answer...... ******************************** A friend of mine in the parachute regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2 years. He has recently married a local girl who can washup with 1 hand, cook with the other, dust with a foot whilst sucking his cock as she opens a beer with her arse. Shes a genuine Swiss Army Wife.... ******************************** all future televised England matches have been moved to the Gay Adult Channel. Apparently the site of 11 arseholes frequently being hammered for 90 mins was far too explicit for the normal TV! ******************************** I was recently invited to a terrorists birthday party. Musical chairs was a little slow but fuck me, pass the parcel was intense! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted June 28, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 28, 2010 (edited) A friend of mine in the parachute regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2 years. He has recently married a local girl who can washup with 1 hand, cook with the other, dust with a foot whilst sucking his cock as she opens a beer with her arse. Shes a genuine Swiss Army Wife.... ******************************** I was recently invited to a terrorists birthday party. Musical chairs was a little slow but fuck me, pass the parcel was intense! :lol: Like those! Edited June 28, 2010 by tenaciousj Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted August 11, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 11, 2010 (edited) I was working late at the Carphone Warehouse last night when I received this text from the missus: 'Paul,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone. Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative.' And as I eagerly rushed home, I couldn't help but wonder... What the hell does 'ternative' mean? Edited August 23, 2010 by tenaciousj Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted August 11, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 11, 2010 Just watched the WKD advert, where the bloke walks in to the toilet to have a shit whilst his wife's taking a relaxing bath. After laughing at it, my girlfriend turns to me and says, "I bet you a man made this!" Course a man made it - it's an advert, not a Sunday roast. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted August 11, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 11, 2010 Sky News: Boy aged four found dead in a tumble dryer. Don't they know if you wash him at 30, there's an 80% chance he'll live? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted August 11, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 11, 2010 On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex. Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers... ... and stuck my cock in her mouth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted August 19, 2010 Report Share Posted August 19, 2010 I was working late at the Carphone Warehouse last night when I received this text from my daughter: 'Dad,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone. Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative.' And as I eagerly rushed home, I couldn't help but wonder... What the hell does 'ternative' mean? daughter? really? couldnt have been wife? that made me feel ill! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcopaulo Posted August 20, 2010 Report Share Posted August 20, 2010 shock value i guess..made me laugh i don't get offended by anythin but i can see why some would Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted August 20, 2010 Report Share Posted August 20, 2010 daughter? really? couldnt have been wife? that made me feel ill! All over the net as "daughter". Seems ridiculous to me, quite clever and funny if it was wife or girlfriend but there's nowt funny about incest, just makes it sick rather than funny and I thought the point of a joke was to be funny . The oral sex one had me in bits though . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted August 23, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 23, 2010 (edited) Didn't mean to offend people! Don't shoot the messanger, not called Sickipedia for nothing... Edited: For your new enjoyment Edited August 23, 2010 by tenaciousj Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted August 23, 2010 Report Share Posted August 23, 2010 Didn't mean to offend people! Don't shoot the messanger, not called Sickipedia for nothing... Edited: For your new enjoyment wasnt havin a go Ten, nor was i that offended, just disappointed. It just ruined a perfectly funny joke! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcopaulo Posted August 23, 2010 Report Share Posted August 23, 2010 that's the problem with sickipedia..it's a funny site and i do like jokes like that but they do overkill it with the shock value quite often Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted August 23, 2010 Report Share Posted August 23, 2010 Agree with Spidey, taking a funny joke and making it not funny for the sake of shock value is just plain stupid. It's not overkill in this case, it's joke-kill . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted August 24, 2010 Report Share Posted August 24, 2010 I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics girls. Two birds, one stone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted August 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 24, 2010 ^^^ Oh lord lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted September 22, 2010 Report Share Posted September 22, 2010 dont want to lower the tone here, but there was a guy in a car crash earlier today. he lost his left leg and left arm. dont worry though, he's all right now... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madmatt Posted October 2, 2010 Report Share Posted October 2, 2010 tough game for liverpool tomorrow....FOOTBALL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xavier Posted October 22, 2010 Report Share Posted October 22, 2010 (edited) it's joke-kill . Could replace Joke-hole in the Liverpool side. Edited October 22, 2010 by xavier Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted October 22, 2010 Report Share Posted October 22, 2010 Could replace Joke-hole in the Liverpool side. wahey! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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