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Jokes Jokes Jokes...


Jokerman
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Nicked off Frenzy (well not really, I posted it on there too)... brace yourselves...

 

Guy in a car, really desperate for a p*ss. He results to having to pee in his tin of fanta. Next thing happens he is stopped by the police and told to get out the car or he will be shot by Armed police. He's shocked as he had done nothing wrong, didn't speed and never has been in trouble in his life.

Gets out car, hands on the roof then cuffed and escorted into the van. guy asks the cop ' what have I done?' Policeman replies ' Possesion of Can-of-p*ss'

 

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A Guy walks into a video shop in Govan and asks the guy behind the counter "Can I get Batman forever" ?

Shop assistant says Sorry pal need it back for sunday

 

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What does DNA stand for?

National Association of Dyslexia

 

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What do you call an Indian with pink hair?

Gandi Floss

 

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My old mucker used to work down at Blackpool Pleasure beach, you ken on the waltzers he got sacked for no apparent reason, so he went sod it, took them to court and got £25,000 for funfair dismissal.

 

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For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

 

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."

 

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

 

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

 

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

 

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll sh*t on its head.

 

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theres a bear an a rabbit in the woods.

 

the bear says to the rabbit " do u have a problem wiv shit stickin to your fur? "

 

the rabbit replies " no "

 

so..... the bear picks up the rabbit an wipes his arse.

 

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guy walks into a bar wiv a giraffe... buys himself a pint an one for the giraffe. after that he buys himself another an one for the giraffe. This goes on for a few hours untill they are absolutely wasted. The guy picks himself up of the bar and walks out, not before the barman says "OI u cant leavin that lyin there". The guy replies thats not a lion, thats a giraffe"

 

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Two cannibals Pete and Frank are eating somebody and decide that one will start at the head and the other at the feet.

5 mins later Pete says to Frank

 

Pete- This is great eh ?

Frank- superb, i'm hving a ball !!

Pete - slow down you greedy bastard !!!!

 

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3 couples on holiday in Scotland - An American Couple, An English couple, a couple from Scotland.

 

They are at breakfast in the same B&B when the American man says to his wife "pass the Honey - Honey"

 

The English man hearing this not wanting to be outdone says to his wife "Pass the Sugar - Sugar"

 

The Scotsman says then says to his wife......."Geeze the Milk ya cow"

 

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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

 

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

 

"There's a diagnostic computer down at 7/11. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

 

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars ...a lot quicker than a doctor. "

 

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to 7/11. He deposits ten dollars , and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

 

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow.

 

Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

 

Thank you for shopping @ 7/11.

 

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

 

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to 7/11, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars,pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

 

The computer printed the following:

 

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

 

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.(Aisle 7)

 

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

 

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer(1st floor).

 

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

 

Thank you for shopping @ 7/11.

 

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2 polis man sitting in thier car out side a crowded country pub.They see this guy stumble out the door bouncing off every car in the car park.Fumbling with his keys and then drive off up the country lane.

 

They follow him to pull him over but the guys is driving perfectly not speeding or anything so they decide to follow him for a little while and see how he gets on.

 

20 minutes later he pulls up and gets out the car and the policemen approach him.

 

Excuse me sir we think you may be under the influence would you mind breating into this bag?

 

No problem says the guy.

 

The test shows he is totally sober.

 

Confused the policemen ask i dont understand you looked very drunk when you lleft the pub.Can you explain that?

 

Easy says the guy as he looks around the now empty pub car park tonite im the designated decoy

 

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she

lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to

the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and

said, "I'm so sorry; Cuddles has passed away."

 

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

 

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead", he replied.

 

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any

testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned

a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner

looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws

on the examination table, sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

 

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted

the dog, and took it out, returning a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

 

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled

out of the room.

 

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this

is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned

to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed

to the woman.

 

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150", she cried,

"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"

 

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill

would have been $20. But, with the lab report and the cat scan...."

 

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a guy is lying on his hospital bed.... nurse comes over to him and says

"ive got some good news and some bad news, what do you wanna hear first?"

the guy replies "the bad news"

she says, "the bad news is we're gonna have to cut off one of your legs"

he says, "so whats the good news?!"

she replies "the guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers"

 

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What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

 

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Man: How you doing?

Friend: Not so good, fell out with the wife.

Man: What happened?

Friend: I wouldn't open the car door for her.

Man: That's a bit petty.

Friend: I probably should have, but I just panicked and swam for the surface.

 

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Two American tourists were driving through Wales. At

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogh they stopped

 

for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress "Before we order, could

you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce

where

we are...

very slowly?"

 

The girl leaned over and said, "Burrrrrr-gurrrrrr-Kiiiiinng."

 

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I think that'll do.

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