Bill Posted April 14, 2011 Report Share Posted April 14, 2011 Just been gang raped by a group of mime artists...... they did unspeakable things to me................ I thought I'd be a gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady, two minutes later she said "will you sod off I'm trying to have a shit!!". Brought the missus some crotchless knickers yesterday, It had nothing to do with a sexual nature, it was so she could get a better grip on her broomstick.. Advice for Kate Middleton - If you get divorced make sure you wear a seatbelt ........................... Now on sale at IKEA - LESBO beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove............... A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol, police say it's definitely race related .................... Ginger bloke goes to the docs about a rash on his bollocks.The doc says "how often do you have sex?" He says "Once or twice a year!" The doc say "that's not a rash mate, its RUST". I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency................... Kate Middleton goes to the Queen and says "every time I suck William's knob I get indigestion" , the queen says "have you tried Andrews" The lead actor in the local production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night, to be fair the audience tried to warn him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted April 14, 2011 Report Share Posted April 14, 2011 Great one liners Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Posted April 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 27, 2011 Afew more .... (Sexist)........... How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry It! What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... It's called a Wedding Cake. Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Posted May 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 A few more ................... My neighbour just gave birth to Siamese twins. I've knitted them a W-neck sweater as a gift. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. Paddy says "Mick I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "don't do that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind". I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, just to tell me it was 2:30 am. Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums. A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..... "Where are you from? You sound English" "I'm from across the River Severn," replies the man nervously. "What do you do, just across the Severn ?" "I'm a taxidermist." "What on earth is one of those?" "I mount animals." "Its alright boys," shouts the barman "he's one of us". My mate Eric has finally got over his Schizophrenia . I asked him how he felt. He said "He's as happy as Larry" A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time..... I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, this lot have lost the plot!! Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her some scales. Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried. "What's the matter?" I asked. "I've got the big C," he said. "What, cancer?" "No, dyslexia." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Posted May 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 The original computer .......... Memory was something you lost with age An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano A web was a spider's home A virus was the flu A CD was a bank account A hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And if you had a 3.5 inch floppy. You just hoped nobody ever found out!?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted May 4, 2011 Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 The dwarf one had me, Status time!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted May 12, 2011 Report Share Posted May 12, 2011 I really love one liners Bill Thanks mate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted May 13, 2011 Report Share Posted May 13, 2011 My wife decided she wanted to renew our marriage vows so we went to see the local vicar. He said he'd do it but only if he could wear a wig, trench coat, dark glasses amd a false moustache.....so she decided against it. I said it was probably a blessing in disguise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted May 16, 2011 Report Share Posted May 16, 2011 I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead” The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!” I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p3nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg" I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified. A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Posted May 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 18, 2011 Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya. They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack. An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool. The locals are said to be in a state of shock, They had no idea they had a job centre! Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship... She replied "wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!" A man approaches a young woman in a shop. He says I can’t find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes? The woman says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is? Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours she appears out of nowhere! The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue Dogs they sent out, They said they were delicious! My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.. It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!! Wife says to husband "You only ever want Sex when your drunk,"husband says "that's not true, Sometimes I want a kebab" The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil Apologies to our Irish members. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Posted May 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 27, 2011 A fewe More .......... British Humour - POLITICALLY INCORRECT ====== Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque. They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside. ============================================ During last night's high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said, "We didn't even know they were living up there." ============================================= Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now. ============================================= I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low! ============================================= I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Posted August 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 And a lot more ......... Breaking News: The UN has said that if they capture Gaddafi they will put him where he can do no harm to anyone - up front for Aston Villa. Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for black orphans. I told him with my luck I'd probably win one. The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a wank. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether." Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words B.I.G.T.I.T.S. Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot. My new wig arrived the other day. It's made of arsehole hair. The bloody thing keeps blowing off. A wise man once said "You should treat your women the way you treat your hoover. When it stops sucking, change the old bag." Question - are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please." On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?" Apparently putting "Hundreds of f&cking Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads and non English speaking people" isn't the right answer. They've sent my form back! Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going. What do Tottenham Hotspur and Heather Mills have in common? The second leg is just for show Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa . But don't let your heart rule your head. Morrisons are doing 4 Stella for £2-99. 100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britainshould change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Giro. Black bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. "I just f *cked the girl next door" he says proudly. "Well done son. I hope you were wearing something." "Yup" he replied. "A balaclava." I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme's called Fact Hunt. The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries! 1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375GB in about 3 seconds. And you thought Virgin media was fast. Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. I've been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone. Girl replies, those are our opening times you daft twat. Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction. Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back. Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them. When I said "Wave" they legged it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted August 9, 2011 Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 ROFLMAO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Avinalaff Posted August 9, 2011 Report Share Posted August 9, 2011 Some funny shit there lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Posted August 25, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 25, 2011 Some more, with apologies to our Irish brethren. Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex with your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them cos I wasn't even at home yesterday." Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Jesus Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attract 'er ...... (a tractor) Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. Three years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. Two years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?. Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me! Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year". Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th." Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie to them and say we only found two." Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Posted August 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 26, 2011 The Importance of Walking Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month. My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate. The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.' If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill. We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Posted August 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 26, 2011 Never go to bed with an Asian. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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