Cloud Posted June 22, 2006 Report Share Posted June 22, 2006 I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my a**-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my a** of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My a** was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic s***- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky s***/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my a** off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering s***/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my a** cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own s*** blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my a** at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for a**-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your a** having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR a**-HAIR! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cloud Posted June 22, 2006 Author Report Share Posted June 22, 2006 Just to make Things clear guys I have had no Experiance in this! and dont intend to Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Romey 1878 Posted June 22, 2006 Report Share Posted June 22, 2006 That is the best thing i have heard in a long time, that made me smile so much and i will obey your advice, i wouldnt want to go through that torture Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StevO Posted June 22, 2006 Report Share Posted June 22, 2006 i believe Will Young waxes his ar$e hair but that was hillarious, tell your arse hair thanks for cheering me up Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian Posted June 22, 2006 Report Share Posted June 22, 2006 thanks cloud, that really made me laff Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
L_Blue Posted June 22, 2006 Report Share Posted June 22, 2006 (edited) Just read that story and my jaw kept dropping wider and wider that story is wrong on so many levels for so many reasons. Edited June 22, 2006 by L_Blue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adams Posted June 22, 2006 Report Share Posted June 22, 2006 Quality post realy made me laugh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mac Posted June 23, 2006 Report Share Posted June 23, 2006 Nice one Cloud, cheered me up. ATB Mac Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GoldfishMemory Posted June 23, 2006 Report Share Posted June 23, 2006 Just read that story and my jaw kept dropping wider and wider that story is wrong on so many levels for so many reasons. 32517[/snapback] Thats my over used saying of the past few months Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
L_Blue Posted June 23, 2006 Report Share Posted June 23, 2006 Why? Have you been shaving yr ass a lot recently? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GoldfishMemory Posted June 23, 2006 Report Share Posted June 23, 2006 Why? Have you been shaving yr ass a lot recently? 32612[/snapback] Cheeky monkey No Just everytime anythings "wrong" thats what comes out of my mouth! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Romey 1878 Posted June 23, 2006 Report Share Posted June 23, 2006 Cheeky monkey No Just everytime anythings "wrong" thats what comes out of my mouth! 32617[/snapback] And i thought it was just poo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
callan Posted June 23, 2006 Report Share Posted June 23, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mac Posted June 23, 2006 Report Share Posted June 23, 2006 Cheeky monkey No Just everytime anythings "wrong" thats what comes out of my mouth! 32617[/snapback] That is so wrong on so many levels ATB Mac Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StevO Posted June 23, 2006 Report Share Posted June 23, 2006 i showed this story to people in work today, they thought it was hillarious! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tara Mac Posted June 24, 2006 Report Share Posted June 24, 2006 Bloody men. T Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scouse Posted June 24, 2006 Report Share Posted June 24, 2006 Ouch thats gotta hurt.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fatboyquim Posted June 28, 2006 Report Share Posted June 28, 2006 Aaawwww - God put arse hair there for a reason - we now know why !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
callan Posted June 28, 2006 Report Share Posted June 28, 2006 I think i'll leave my arse hair as it is then thanks for the warning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted June 28, 2006 Report Share Posted June 28, 2006 Can I just say that this thread is giving me nightmares . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Romey 1878 Posted June 28, 2006 Report Share Posted June 28, 2006 Mikeo i cannot believe you would dare to put RED writing on your sig Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adams Posted June 29, 2006 Report Share Posted June 29, 2006 thankfully hes changed it to blue and his blue shed wat a shed!!! You should paint the badge on lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xavier Posted June 29, 2006 Report Share Posted June 29, 2006 Haha. Nice thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pat Posted June 30, 2006 Report Share Posted June 30, 2006 Oh Cloud..........Hillarious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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