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Matt - This one made me laugh (more than it should)

 

Marco - don't read it.

 

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name his “Juan.” Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve see Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal!”

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A sign of the times is that elderly people have to continue working. This old fella went for an interview.

 

HUMAN RESOURCE PERSON: What do you think is your main weakness?

 

OLD FELLA: Honesty.

 

HR PERSON: Honesty! I don't think that's a weakness.

 

OLD FELLA: I don't give a shit what you think.

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Pat and Mick went for an interview at the building site. The foreman asked Pat what his name was, when he said 'Pat' the foreman punched him in the face and said 'you are privileged to have the name of the patron saint of Ireland and you should use the full name of Patrick'. He then asked Mick for his name and Mick replied 'Mickrick'.

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Non PC Christmas jokes

 

Mary and Joseph pull up outside the motel. Joseph goes inside and comes out angry because there's no room at the Inn.

"This is crap Mary", he said "What a fookin' holiday this is!"

"Next thing is you'll be telling me your pregnant!"

 

 

.....................--------------------....................Next!

 

Joseph waits in the stable for the birth.

After the birth, he rushes out, sees the Three Wise Men and shouts, "It's a girl, it's a girl!"

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Xmas joke.

The whole family are sitting down to Christmas lunch with lots of alcoholic good cheer.

Uncle Arthur asks whether anyone knows about 'Titties'?

Lots of eye rolls and grimaces but Arthur goes on....

"Well, when women are young, their titties are hard, just like melons.

When they get older, their titties are like pears. Still OK but a little soft at the ends.

Then when they are much older, their titties are like old ripe bananas. Squishy, with lots of blemishes and they droop downwards."

 

Mum and the daughters are horrified until Auntie Lizzie says, "What about 'willies', then?"

"What about 'willies'?"

"Well, when men are young, they are straight and hard like oak trees.

When they are older they are like willows. Still OK, but bendy and pliable.

When they are much older, 'willies' are like Christmas trees."

"Christmas trees?" says Uncle Arthur

"Why, yes!", said Auntie Lizzie

'"The whole thing is dead and the balls are just for decoration".

Edited by Oztoffee
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Sir Alex Ferguson, in retirement, has taken up flower arranging. He has designed a display which he calls 'Manchester United' and it goes right in the middle of the table.

stole that and sent it to a friend whos a Utd fan. This was his response:

 

United must be improving, all the jokes at the beginning of october were about relegation

 

made me chuckle :lol:

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Non PC Christmas jokes

 

Mary and Joseph pull up outside the motel. Joseph goes inside and comes out angry because there's no room at the Inn.

"This is crap Mary", he said "What a fookin' holiday this is!"

"Next thing is you'll be telling me your pregnant!"

 

 

.....................--------------------....................Next!

 

Joseph waits in the stable for the birth.

After the birth, he rushes out, sees the Three Wise Men and shouts, "It's a girl, it's a girl!"

 

am i bein thick cos i don't get it?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Mourinho, Martinez, Wenger, Rodgers and Moyes were in the pub. Mourinho got the first round, five Portuguese beers. Martinez got the second round, five San Miguels. Wenger got the third round, five red wines. Rodgers got the fouth round, four pints of bitter. Moyes said 'where's mine' Martinez said 'this is the fourth round and you're not in it'.

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Met the wife when I saved her life. I rescued her from a Japanese Whaling fleet.

She is so big we make love in the dark, the light bulb burns my arse.

After a walk on the beach I nicknamed her Canute, as the tide had to wait to come in.

We save money on yoghurt as she just stares at the milk.

 

Did someone give you a Les Dawson joke book for Christmas Rubes?

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A Police officer stops at a local ranch. He talks with an old rancher, and tells him, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs". The rancher says, "okay, but do not go in that field over there" as he is pointing out the location.

The Police officer verbaly explodes saying,"Mister, I have the authority of the federal goverment with me". Reaching into his rear pants pocket, and proudly displays it to the rancher. "see the badge old man? This badge means I am allowed to go on any land... Have I made myself clear?"

The rancher apologizes, nods and goes about his chores. A short time later the old rancher hears a loud screaming, looks up and sees the Police officer running in front of the rancher's Santa Gertrudis bull. With every step the officer makes the bull gains two, only seconds before the bull
reaches him. The rancher drops his tools and stands up and yells.

"Your badge, show him your badge!"

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

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A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box.
We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up"
"Oh! please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home, a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish, but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.....

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With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

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During a lady's Medical Examination, the doctor says. Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble. The lady starts taking off her Knickers but is interrupted by the doctor, NO ! NO ! Leave your knickers on ... Just stick out your tongue .... "

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

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Three mates married girls from different parts of the world. One married a Filipino, One married a Thai girl and one married a Scouse girl.

The guy who married the Filipino girl gave her instructions on all the housework and cooking she had to do. At the end of the first day he saw some work done and by the end of the second day a little more. By the end of the third day it was all being done.

The guy who married the Thai girl had the same experience and by the third day everything was being done.

The guy who married the Scouse girl gave her instructions on all the housework and cooking she had to do. By the end of the first day he couldn't see that anything had been done, nor on the second day. On the third day the swelling on his eye had gone down and he was able to see that nothing had been done. He was limping a lot better and was able to fill the dishwasher even though his arm was in a sling.

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Old guy was talking to his wife one day and suddenly said 'when I die I want you to sell my golf clubs immediately'. His wife was puzzled and asked 'why?' The old guy said 'well, you are still an attractive woman and I think you will marry again and I don't wan't some no-mark using my clubs'. His wife said 'what makes you think I will marry another no-mark'?

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Edinburgh man Wullie McTavish is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with the nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons.

"So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Braid Hills houses.">

"Sybil, take the flats over in Morningside and Bruntsfield."

"Tam, I want you to take the offices in Charlotte Square."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in the> New Town."

 

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Wullie slips away, she says,

"Mrs. McTavish, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".

 

Sarah replies, "Property? ... The bugger has a paper round.

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Scotsman puts on his coat and hat to go to the pub. He says to his missus 'put your hat and coat on'. she says 'its ages since you took me to the pub'. He says ' I'm not taking you to the pub, I'm putting the heating off while I'm out'.

 

This is a true story. One weekend, my brother went to stay with our dad, who was living on his own, in Cornwall. About to leave on the Sunday evening, my brother was handed a hand-written bill for 50p. It was the cost (back then) of turning the heating on for those two days! We thought our dad was joking, but he was perfectly serious.

 

A common definition of a Cornishman: short arms, deep pockets.

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This is a true story. One weekend, my brother went to stay with our dad, who was living on his own, in Cornwall. About to leave on the Sunday evening, my brother was handed a hand-written bill for 50p. It was the cost (back then) of turning the heating on for those two days! We thought our dad was joking, but he was perfectly serious.

 

A common definition of a Cornishman: short arms, deep pockets.

Lucky he didn't live in Ceredigion, would have charged you wear on the front door hinges for opening it!!! :lol: So tight they get up in the middle of the night to see if they lost any sleep.

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