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Jokes thread


Avinalaff

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Matt - This one made me laugh (more than it should)

 

Marco - don't read it.

 

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name his “Juan.” Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve see Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal!”

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A sign of the times is that elderly people have to continue working. This old fella went for an interview.

 

HUMAN RESOURCE PERSON: What do you think is your main weakness?

 

OLD FELLA: Honesty.

 

HR PERSON: Honesty! I don't think that's a weakness.

 

OLD FELLA: I don't give a shit what you think.

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Pat and Mick went for an interview at the building site. The foreman asked Pat what his name was, when he said 'Pat' the foreman punched him in the face and said 'you are privileged to have the name of the patron saint of Ireland and you should use the full name of Patrick'. He then asked Mick for his name and Mick replied 'Mickrick'.

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Non PC Christmas jokes

 

Mary and Joseph pull up outside the motel. Joseph goes inside and comes out angry because there's no room at the Inn.

"This is crap Mary", he said "What a fookin' holiday this is!"

"Next thing is you'll be telling me your pregnant!"

 

 

.....................--------------------....................Next!

 

Joseph waits in the stable for the birth.

After the birth, he rushes out, sees the Three Wise Men and shouts, "It's a girl, it's a girl!"

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Xmas joke.

The whole family are sitting down to Christmas lunch with lots of alcoholic good cheer.

Uncle Arthur asks whether anyone knows about 'Titties'?

Lots of eye rolls and grimaces but Arthur goes on....

"Well, when women are young, their titties are hard, just like melons.

When they get older, their titties are like pears. Still OK but a little soft at the ends.

Then when they are much older, their titties are like old ripe bananas. Squishy, with lots of blemishes and they droop downwards."

 

Mum and the daughters are horrified until Auntie Lizzie says, "What about 'willies', then?"

"What about 'willies'?"

"Well, when men are young, they are straight and hard like oak trees.

When they are older they are like willows. Still OK, but bendy and pliable.

When they are much older, 'willies' are like Christmas trees."

"Christmas trees?" says Uncle Arthur

"Why, yes!", said Auntie Lizzie

'"The whole thing is dead and the balls are just for decoration".

Edited by Oztoffee
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Sir Alex Ferguson, in retirement, has taken up flower arranging. He has designed a display which he calls 'Manchester United' and it goes right in the middle of the table.

stole that and sent it to a friend whos a Utd fan. This was his response:

 

United must be improving, all the jokes at the beginning of october were about relegation

 

made me chuckle :lol:

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Non PC Christmas jokes

 

Mary and Joseph pull up outside the motel. Joseph goes inside and comes out angry because there's no room at the Inn.

"This is crap Mary", he said "What a fookin' holiday this is!"

"Next thing is you'll be telling me your pregnant!"

 

 

.....................--------------------....................Next!

 

Joseph waits in the stable for the birth.

After the birth, he rushes out, sees the Three Wise Men and shouts, "It's a girl, it's a girl!"

 

am i bein thick cos i don't get it?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Mourinho, Martinez, Wenger, Rodgers and Moyes were in the pub. Mourinho got the first round, five Portuguese beers. Martinez got the second round, five San Miguels. Wenger got the third round, five red wines. Rodgers got the fouth round, four pints of bitter. Moyes said 'where's mine' Martinez said 'this is the fourth round and you're not in it'.

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