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Avinalaff
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Gamekeeper having a piss in the woods when his shotgun went off accidentally. After his operation in hospital the surgeon says 'we got all the buckshot out but its left you with holes in your willy, I will refer you to my sister'. The gamekeeper asks if his sister is a plastic surgeon and the surgeon says 'no, she plays flute in the orchestra and she will teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss all over the bathroom.'

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  • 2 weeks later...

Scotsman puts on his coat and hat to go to the pub. He says to his missus 'put your hat and coat on'. she says 'its ages since you took me to the pub'. He says ' I'm not taking you to the pub, I'm putting the heating off while I'm out'.

That's a joke from the royal family sitcom.

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A mother is making a cake for her three sons when she accidentaly dropps some BB pellets from the shelf into the batter. She decides that it won't matter and continues to make the cake. Later that day, her sons eat the cake and don't even notice the BBs.

 

The next day, when the mother is reading a magazine on the couch, one of her sons runs in saying, ''Mom, mom, I pissed out a beebee!''

She says ''That's okay, son. I accidentaly dropped some beebees into the cake batter. You'll be fine.''

 

Five minutes later, one of the other sons, come running in and he says, ''Mom, mom, I-'' but the mother cuts him off and she says, ''I know, I know, you pissed out a beebee. I dropped it into the cake batter, but you'll be fine.''

 

Then her last son runs in the room, and he says, ''Mom, mom, I-'' and the mother cuts him off and says, ''I know, I know, you pissed out a beebee. It's my fault for dropping it in the cake batter, but you'll be fine.'' But then son says, ''No, no, I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

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  • 2 weeks later...
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the ocean; but just before she could
throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

 

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we
are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

 

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always
wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.

 

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but
comfortable compartment in the ship's hold.

 

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a
bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

 

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain, during a routine
inspection.

 

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

 

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He
brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

 

"I see," the captain says.

 

Her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

 

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
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A very drunk man went on a bus one afternoon. The bus was pretty full as it was a busy day in town. Sitting on the bus was an 80 year old woman along with her poodle, sitting on her lap. The drunk man staggered along the bus and sat at the empty seat next to the old woman. Not amused, the woman huffed and puffed for the first 5 minutes of the journey, obviously unhappy about the state of the man next to her. After a few more huffs and puffs from the old woman, the man turned towards her and asked:

"What are you doing with that pig?"

Disgusted and ashamed of the man's lack of knowledge and rudeness, the old woman turned towards the man angrily and replied:

"This is not a PIG, this is a POODLE!"

To which the drunk man replied:

"I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the poodle!"

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

David Cameron is visiting America. Barak Obama takes him to a top secret scientific laboratory. Keen to show off, Obama shows him a Time Machine that can accurately predict events 100 years in the future. 'Ask it a question' says Obama. So Cameron asks what England will be like in 100 years time. There is a whirring, bleeping, flashing of lights then out comes a print-out. Cameron looks at it for a few minutes and Obama, getting impatient says 'come on David, what does it say'? 'I don't know' says Cameron, 'its not in English'.

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David Cameron is visiting America. Barak Obama takes him to a top secret scientific laboratory. Keen to show off, Obama shows him a Time Machine that can accurately predict events 100 years in the future. 'Ask it a question' says Obama. So Cameron asks what England will be like in 100 years time. There is a whirring, bleeping, flashing of lights then out comes a print-out. Cameron looks at it for a few minutes and Obama, getting impatient says 'come on David, what does it say'? 'I don't know' says Cameron, 'its not in English'.

 

Sounds more like a UKIP election ad to me; jokes thread is the wrong place for it (particularly given the the fact that it's not remotely funny).

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MikeO. Very disappointed (and surprised) at your comment which I thought was way over the top.

 

Yeah I kind of regret it; I'd had a few drinks so went a bit over the top so I apologise for that.

 

(Still maintain it sounds like an extract from a UKIP pamphlet though ;))

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Yeah I kind of regret it; I'd had a few drinks so went a bit over the top so I apologise for that.

 

(Still maintain it sounds like an extract from a UKIP pamphlet though ;))

 

MikeO. No problem. I had assumed you had overdosed on PC (Pina Colada's) :rofl:

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David Cameron is visiting America. Barak Obama takes him to a top secret scientific laboratory. Keen to show off, Obama shows him a Time Machine that can accurately predict events 100 years in the future. 'Ask it a question' says Obama. So Cameron asks what England will be like in 100 years time. There is a whirring, bleeping, flashing of lights then out comes a print-out. Cameron looks at it for a few minutes and Obama, getting impatient says 'come on David, what does it say'?...

 

"It says the country's rejoicing because England won the World Cup."

"Wait a minute - something's wrong. That's 1,000 years in future."

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ITV programmers are displaying their wiles.

The chief presenter is Adrian Chiles.

They decided that planning was a doddle,

When they uincluded bleedin Glen Hoddle.

Oh when will this madness cease?

Deport the lot and leave us in peace.

 

Another quality product brought to you by miss a goal ITV Sport

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Do not read this if easily offended

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A missionary trip to the south seas went wrong when the ship sank, only two people survived. A nun and a priest.

 

They got to a desert island but without any hope of a rescue, and eventually succumbed to the pleasures of the flesh.

 

After 2 years the nun had an attack of conscience over what she was doing and killed herself out of shame.

 

Another 6 months went by and the priest had an attack of conscience over what he was doing .... and buried the nun.

Edited by Rubecula
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  • 2 weeks later...

Elderly guy get his first computer. Switches on.

 

WINDOWS: Please enter password.

 

USER: cabbage

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, password must be more than 8 characters.

 

USER: boiled cabbage

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, password must contain 1 numeric character

 

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

 

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

 

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

 

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouCon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

 

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAcessNow

 

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

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Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment.

 

God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.

A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman.

 

"John, what happened?" Tony asks.

"I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to.

 

The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells

'Damn income taxes!'

whenever we have sex."

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A nun walks into an Off Licence and asks for a bottle of Whiskey. The man behind the counter is a little shocked and says "But you are a woman of the order. I should not be selling you whiskey."

 

"It is alright my good man" The nun replies. "It is for the Mother Superiors constipation."

 

"In that case" smiles the man, and sells her a bottle of Johnny Walker.

 

Later that evening he is locking up when he spots the Nun laying face down, drunk as a skunk in the gutter.

 

"I thought you told me the whiskey was for the Mother Superior's constipation." He accuses.

 

"It is" Hiccups the nun. "When she sees me like this she is going to shit herself."

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This stuff is great, keep it up.

I'll try my hand:

 

A woman is in the checkout line at a supermarket and puts bacon, eggs and milk on the conveyor belt when a gruff-looking, tough man walks up behind her.

He takes a look at the bacon, the eggs and the milk, then looks at her, smirks and says "you must be single".

The woman is taken aback and a bit confused.

She looks at him, then the bacon, eggs and milk, then back to the gruff man and says "well, yeah, but how did you know?"

 

The man responds "Because you're ugly as hell."

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That reminded me about the big fat ugly woman at the supermarket check-out with two unruly kids. A bloke in the queue said 'can't you keep your twins under control'. The woman said 'they are not twins, ones 12 and the other's 8, what makes you think they are twins'. The guy said 'they must be, no one would shag you twice'.

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Timing is off sadly, trial is over. Just the verdict to come.

 

But pretty sharp (if you ignore the fact that he's been winning "legless" all his life).

 

How sad am I; sitting in on a Saturday night analysing jokes :(.

If I had to rate how sad analyzing comments is, I'd give it a 5 out of 10.

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Timing is off sadly, trial is over. Just the verdict to come.

 

But pretty sharp (if you ignore the fact that he's been winning "legless" all his life).

 

How sad am I; sitting in on a Saturday night analysing jokes :(.

Not really since the Celtic verdict was only delivered yesterday ;)

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