Jump to content

Jokes thread


Avinalaff
 Share

Recommended Posts

Scotsman on his deathbed in Edinburgh, surrounded by his wife, two daughters, his son and a nurse. He whispers 'Bernie, take the Braid Hill Houses. Sybil, take the flats over in Morningside ad Bruntsfield. Tam, I want you to take the offices in Charlotte Square. Sarah my dearest wife, please take all the residential buildings in the New Town. Then he slips away. The nurse says to his wife 'he must have worked very hard to acquire all those properties'. 'Properties' snorts his wife, 'they're paper rounds'.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

I know this is an old one but there may be one or two younger posters who haven't seen it. It is the letter written by an employee to the Personnel Department, explaining his absence.

 

Sir

Following the recent gales, I inspected my roof and found some bricks had come loose which needed replacing. I rigged up a beam with a pulley at the top of the house and hoisted up a barrel full of new bricks. After I had finished laying the new bricks I had to dispose of the old bricks. I had lowered the barrel back down to the ground so I hoisted the barrel back up and climbed down to secure the line at the bottom. I climbed back up and filled the barrel with the old bricks. Then I climbed down to the bottom and unfastened the line. The barrel of bricks was heavier than me and as the barrel started down, I was jerked off the ground. I decided to hang on but half-way up I met the barrel coming down and received a severe blow on the shoulder. I then continued to the top banging my head against the beam and trapping my fingers in the pulley. When the barrel hit the ground it burst open at the bottom and all the bricks spilled out. I was now heavier than the barrel so started down at high speed. Half-way down I met the barrel coming up and received severe injuries to my legs. When I hit the ground I landed on the old bricks getting several painful cuts from the sharp edges. At this point I think I lost my presence of mind because I let go of the line and the barrel descended giving me a heavy blow to my head, putting me in hospital. Sir, as soon as I am able to walk, I will send a sick note.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know this is an old one but there may be one or two younger posters who haven't seen it. It is the letter written by an employee to the Personnel Department, explaining his absence.

 

Sir

Following the recent gales, I inspected my roof and found some bricks had come loose which needed replacing. I rigged up a beam with a pulley at the top of the house and hoisted up a barrel full of new bricks. After I had finished laying the new bricks I had to dispose of the old bricks. I had lowered the barrel back down to the ground so I hoisted the barrel back up and climbed down to secure the line at the bottom. I climbed back up and filled the barrel with the old bricks. Then I climbed down to the bottom and unfastened the line. The barrel of bricks was heavier than me and as the barrel started down, I was jerked off the ground. I decided to hang on but half-way up I met the barrel coming down and received a severe blow on the shoulder. I then continued to the top banging my head against the beam and trapping my fingers in the pulley. When the barrel hit the ground it burst open at the bottom and all the bricks spilled out. I was now heavier than the barrel so started down at high speed. Half-way down I met the barrel coming up and received severe injuries to my legs. When I hit the ground I landed on the old bricks getting several painful cuts from the sharp edges. At this point I think I lost my presence of mind because I let go of the line and the barrel descended giving me a heavy blow to my head, putting me in hospital. Sir, as soon as I am able to walk, I will send a sick note.

 

It's far funnier when you listen to the genius that was Gerard Hoffnung telling it. Superb timing.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We don't talk about the incident often, but one of my cousins once spent time in jail. He was innocent of course, and that eventually came to light, but the time of his imprisonment was awkward. My uncle managed to make ends meet by spending countless hours working on his allotment. I say allotment, but it was really a sloping field close to his home in mid-Cornwall. Anyway, my cousin was arrested right before potato planting season, and my uncle was rather stuck without him being there to help. His writing was none to good, but he wrote to my cousin: "so wish you wuz ere cuz kant plant me bleddy spuds, ground jus to ard". My cousin wrote back to him right away: "dont ye touch the field wile Im gone, ye stupid bugger. thats wer I burried the guns!". Of course, there's no privacy in jail, and the police intercepted the message. The next day, twenty of them turned over that field inch by inch, but they never found anything. Next day my cousin wrote again: "Ye can plant yer spuds now dad. Best I cud do from ere."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know this is an old one but there may be one or two younger posters who haven't seen it. It is the letter written by an employee to the Personnel Department, explaining his absence.

 

Sir

Following the recent gales, I inspected my roof and found some bricks had come loose which needed replacing. I rigged up a beam with a pulley at the top of the house and hoisted up a barrel full of new bricks. After I had finished laying the new bricks I had to dispose of the old bricks. I had lowered the barrel back down to the ground so I hoisted the barrel back up and climbed down to secure the line at the bottom. I climbed back up and filled the barrel with the old bricks. Then I climbed down to the bottom and unfastened the line. The barrel of bricks was heavier than me and as the barrel started down, I was jerked off the ground. I decided to hang on but half-way up I met the barrel coming down and received a severe blow on the shoulder. I then continued to the top banging my head against the beam and trapping my fingers in the pulley. When the barrel hit the ground it burst open at the bottom and all the bricks spilled out. I was now heavier than the barrel so started down at high speed. Half-way down I met the barrel coming up and received severe injuries to my legs. When I hit the ground I landed on the old bricks getting several painful cuts from the sharp edges. At this point I think I lost my presence of mind because I let go of the line and the barrel descended giving me a heavy blow to my head, putting me in hospital. Sir, as soon as I am able to walk, I will send a sick note.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Young woman going into the Supermarket sees the bloke she met in the pub the previous evening and who had his wicked way with her. The bloke is stacking packs of washing powder onto the shelves.

'You lying toad' she shouted, 'you told me you were a stunt pilot'. 'No' he said, 'I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team'.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

Young 10 year old lad walking along the street. Car pulls up alongside him and the driver says 'get in and I'll give you a lollipop' Boy says 'no'. Man says 'I'll make it a bag of lollipop's', Boy says 'no way'. The boy continues on his way with the car crawling alongside. The man says 'I'll give you a fiver as well as the lollipop's'. The boy tells him to do one. The man says 'this is my final offer £20 and a bag of lollipop's'. The lad says 'listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it'.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We're a little over an hour's drive from Tennessee, perhaps the most musical state in the nation, from where the following news story emerged. A local resident with the auspicious name Glenn Miller (and too much money, it seems) spent over $800 on a pair of individually-tailored soft leather shoes. The high price was in part due to the local store using an emerging technology that uses X-rays to map precisely the contours of each foot and hence to determine how best to customize the size and shape of each shoe. Glenn, apparently, was delighted with his new shoes and decided to show them off: He put them on display in his house and invited around several neighbours and friends. Someone obviously left the front door open and, while guests cracked podiatric jokes over a few too many glasses of wine, a playful young tabby entered the house, made a bee-line for the new shoes (some lingering smell from the manufacturing process must have attracted it), and began to feast on them. By the time one of the guests noticed what was happening, the cat was already running out of the house. Glenn's new shoes, of course, were pretty much ruined, and certainly not in any fit shape to wear. It looked to all as if $800 had just been flushed down the toilet.

 

Glenn thought he recognized the tabby and, since the US is a rather litigious society, decided to hunt it down and trace the owner (most pets these days are fitted with identity chips for just that purpose). His visiting neighbours and friends joined in the search, and soon all you could hear in the vicinity was "here, kitty kitty." It became such an odd spectacle that a passer-by decided to call the police. They arrived in short order, learned quickly of the situation, and (after a few stifled chuckles) joined the search for the dastardly feline: "hear, kitty kitty." Given the professionalism and efficiency of the law enforcement officials, due in no small part to the fact that a local news crew, with cameras, had appeared on the scene, it took them only a few minutes to bring the search to a seemingly successful conclusion. Following a brief scuffle and some loud squeals, a uniformed officer gave a shout and lifted a guilty-looking tabby into the air. It was then that he turned to Glenn Miller and sang the immortal line: "Pardon me, sir. Is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?"

Edited by Cornish Steve
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
Guest rusty747

After the Newcastle game I rang the Samaritans. Apparently, like most other 'service centres' they have been out sourced to India and Pakistan. They got all excited when I told them I was feeling suicidal and asked me if I could drive a lorry!

Edited by rusty747
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The ice hockey thread reminded me of the old joke about the World Ice Skating championship. In the men's event the Irish skater skated out to the middle to wait for the music to start. It started before he was ready and in his panic he slipped and banged the back of his head. on the ice. In his haste to get up he then slipped and fell on his face, splattering his nose all over the ice. They brought a stretcher on and carried him off. The Chairman of the Judges said that the rules stipulated that they go to the judges for the marks. Russian judge = 0,

American judge = 0, Swedish judge = 0, French judge = 0, German judge = o, British judge = 0, Irish judge = 5.9. The Chairman of the judges raced over to the Irish judge and asked him how he could award 5.9. The Irish judge said 'be fair, it's bloody slippy out there'.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...

We had a power cut today. Couldn't do anything on my lap-top, TV didn't work, didn't fancy going to golf as it was pouring down with rain. Went to the kitchen to make a coffee kettle didn't work. Chatted to the wife for a couple of hours and she seems quite a nice person.

 

Think I might tell this joke to the wife.

 

PS - followed through on that. Does anyone have a place to say for a few weeks?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...
Heres a few quickies
Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of
Humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed.
The police are blaming AL IKEA .
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police stop a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway.
Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?"
The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that........3 of you have got to get out!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..
"Bollocks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to vacuum the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just a reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last year's riots.
Your one year manufacturer's warranty runs out soon.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...... One's in a Korma....... The other's got a dodgy Tikka!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sailing results are in: USA took gold, GB took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth .
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making land mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof !
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly couple are in church. About halfway through the service, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A florist went for a haircut, when he asked for the bill the barber said 'there is no charge, I am doing community service so I am doing haircuts for free. Next day when the barber arrived at his shop there was a 'thank you' note and a dozen red roses.

 

The next day, a policeman went in for a haircut and when he asked for the bill the barber said 'there is no charge, I am doing community service so I am doing haircuts for free'. Next day when the barber arrived at his shop there was a 'thank you' note and a pack of jam doughnuts.

 

The next day an MP went for a haircut and when he asked for his bill the barber said 'there is no charge, I am doing community service so I am doing haircuts for free'. The next day when the barber arrived at his shop there were a dozen MP's queueing for their free haircut.

 

That is the fundamental difference between the citizens' of this country and those who run it. :shaking fist:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

Two policemen radio back to base that they have found a woman who shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped. The desk sergeant asks them if they've arrested her. 'No' says the policeman. 'Why not' says the desk sergeant. 'The floors still wet' says the policeman.

 

Made my wife laugh a lot that one; I told her it sounded like her :lol:.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

The British Army in the African jungle 1920's. The Colonel in charge is going back to the UK and his replacement arrives. They have their gin and tonics and cucumber sandwiches and the Colonel calls for his adjutant, Captain Smithers. In comes Smithers who is three feet tall, hunch back, no teeth, bald and with a withered arm. The Colonel says 'Smithers, tell the new CO about yourself'. Smithers says 'I finished top of my intake at Sandhurst, won the MC on the Somme, was mentioned in dispatches five times....... 'No' said the Colonel, 'the new CO can read all that in your records, I mean tell him about the time you told the witch doctor to f*** off'.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

Two old dears in their eighties sat outside the pearly gates. Lady 1 says to Lady 2 'what did you die from?' Lady 2 says 'I froze to death'. Lady 1 says 'that must have been terrible'. 'Not really' says Lady 2 'Once I had stopped shivering I became all drowsy and warm until I died'. What did you die from?' Lady 1 says 'I suspected my husband was having an affair so I went home unexpectedly and found him watching TV. I raced upstairs and searched all over, in wardrobes, under the beds everywhere. I raced downstairs to check there and that's when I had my heart attack'. Lady 2 says 'If you'd checked the freezer first we might still be alive'.

Edited by johnh
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

Not very PC to tell Irish jokes but what the hell, Ian's never around any more :D. My favourite:-

 

Irish lad catches a leprechaun so is granted his three wishes; after a moment's thought he says, "I'll have a never ending pint of Guinness!"

 

Pint appears in front of him and he necks it, puts it down and lo and behold it slowly fills itself up again.

 

"What are your other wishes?" asks the leprechaun; and Paddy, after a minutes deep thought says, "I'll have another two of those."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Not very PC to tell Irish jokes but what the hell, Ian's never around any more :D. My favourite:-

 

Irish lad catches a leprechaun so is granted his three wishes; after a moment's thought he says, "I'll have a never ending pint of Guinness!"

 

Pint appears in front of him and he necks it, puts it down and lo and behold it slowly fills itself up again.

 

"What are your other wishes?" asks the leprechaun; and Paddy, after a minutes deep thought says, "I'll have another two of those."

 

That's only one wish. Where's the rest....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:P

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...
  • 2 months later...

Stopped by the gym this morning to pay my monthly dues. I was only there two minutes, but, when I came outside, a police officer was writing a parking ticket.

 

"Come on, mate. Gimme a break."

Talk about no humour. The officer carried on writing the ticket and ignored me.

"You bloody nazi."

I don't think he liked that because he wrote up a ticket for the bald tyres. This made me more than a little emotional.

"You're single, right? Can't imagine any woman marrying a miserable sod like you."

Now he wrote up the broken tail-light.

"You don't care, do you, you ugly git."

Now he notices the car is parked too close to a fire hydrant and writes another ticket.

 

Anyway, I'd had enough fun for one day and walked the 200 yards home. I always enjoy spotting a car with a "Vote Tory" sticker on the back.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

 

 

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?

 

 

 

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another.

 

 

 

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

 

 

 

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!% !@*!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A- ... that hurt like hell!!!

 

 

 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock...

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On the offchance you are thinking of joining the Army - a few tips from someone who has been there.

 

* If the enemy is in range - so are you.

 

* Tracers work both ways.

 

* 5 second fuses in handgrenades last 3 seconds.

 

* If you see a bomb disposal man running - try and keep up with him.

 

* Everyone is a mine detector - once.

 

* Never trade luck for skill.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...
  • 4 weeks later...
  • 5 months later...
  • 3 weeks later...

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...