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Hangover Stages


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*1 star hangover


No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when

you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.


You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up

from all those vodka and Red Bulls.


However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as

the Sahara.


Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.


**2 star hangover


No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you

have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.


The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your

rumbling gut, which is craving a full Scottish breakfast.


Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing

your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some

light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk




***3 star hangover


Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet

and not so productive.


Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave

reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends

after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.


Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and

a litre of coke watching daytime TV.


You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a

litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.





****4 star hangover


You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't

speak too quickly or else you might spew.


Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a

lecture for reeking of booze.


You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the

fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial

spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the



Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one

big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a

second-grade class circa 1976.


You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a

cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could

go back and NOT have gone out the night before.


You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.



*****5 star hangover


You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the

employee who sits next to you.


Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.


You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from

brushing your teeth.


Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is

suffocating you.


You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your



Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you

and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so

pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you

can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.


******6 star hangover


You arrive home and climb into bed.


Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the



You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you



You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying

relentlessly around the room.


No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.


You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under

full sail.


After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking

off all the pictures, you find the toilet.


If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you

spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your

impersonation of walrus mating calls.


You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in

the world you have left (the toilet)

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