Jimmy the blue Posted April 21, 2009 Report Share Posted April 21, 2009 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are > things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now > published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while > these exchanges were actually taking place. > > ________________________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? > > WITNESS: No, I just lie there. > > ________________________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? > > WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. > > ________________________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? > > WITNESS: Yes. > > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? > > WITNESS: I forget. > > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you > forgot? > > ________________________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that > morning? > > WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' > > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? > > WITNESS: My name is Susan! > > _______________________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his > sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? > > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? > > ________________________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he? > > WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. > > ________________________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? > > WITNESS: Is this a trick question? > > ________________________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? > > WITNESS: Yes. > > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? > > WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid! > ________________________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? > > WITNESS: Yes. > > ATTORNEY: How many were boys? > > WITNESS: None. > > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? > > WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different > attorney. Can I get a new attorney? > ________________________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? > > WITNESS: By death. > > ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? > > WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? > ________________________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? > > WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. > > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? > > WITNESS: Guess. > ________________________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition > notice which I sent to your attorney? > > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. > ________________________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead > people? > > WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like > to rephrase that? > ________________________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go > to? > > WITNESS: Oral. > ________________________________________________ > > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? > > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. > > ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? > > WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an > autopsy on him! > ________________________________________________ > > -- And the best for last: -- I love this one > > ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a > pulse? > > WITNESS: No. > > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? > > WITNESS: No. > > ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? > > WITNESS: No. > > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you > began the autopsy? > > WITNESS: No. > > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? > > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. > > ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, > nevertheless? > > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and > practicing law. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sporting4ever Posted April 21, 2009 Report Share Posted April 21, 2009 I'd read those before, but I still get a kick out of it... American + Lawyer = :lmaosmiley: :lmaosmiley: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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