dark Posted April 5, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2009 Dispatcher: 911. What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart! Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband! = Dispatcher: 911, what is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out! Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster! Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No! Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the police. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dark Posted April 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2009 A man walks into a bar a sits down at the bar, next to him is a man with a spider, The man with the spider says "tell me a fact about a spider and i'll buy u a drink," so the other man says"ok, a spider has eight legs" the man with the spider agrees that this is an acceptible fact and buys him a drink. He finishes his drink and the man with the spider offers to buy him another if he can name another fact, he agrees and says " a spider has 8 eyes", the man with the spider agrees that this is an acceptible fact and buys him a drink. He finishes his second drink and the man with the spider offers to buy him yet another if he can name another fact, he agrees and says " a spider blood is transparent", the man with the spider agrees that this is an acceptible fact and buys him a drink. He finishes his third drink and the man with the spider offers to buy him yet another if he can name another fact, he agrees. He then takes the spider from the man and says watch this " spider go left" and the spider goes to its left, " spider go right" and the spider goes to its right. He then picks up the spider and pulls all its legs off and puts it back on the bar. " spider go left" the spider doesn't move, "spider go right" the spider stays were it is. The man then says " Pull off a spiders legs , spider goes deaf." For some reason that made me laugh^ Someone will have seriously got the sack for that E:ON Ad^ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dark Posted April 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2009 A panda goes into a restaurant and sits down. He orders a ham sandwich and waits for his food. After finishing his meal, he gets up and wants to go outside. The waiter stops him and says "Sorry sir, Im afraid you forgot to pay." The panda takes out a gun and shoots the place up. The waiter asks him whats wrong, so the panda says "Take dictionary and look under panda." The waiter takes a dictionary and reads: "Panda. Large, black-and-white, bear-like mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dark Posted April 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2009 An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father" The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed." = Dont you just love WWF? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Churinga2 Posted April 30, 2009 Report Share Posted April 30, 2009 (edited) AMerican navy fail Edited April 30, 2009 by Churinga Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dark Posted May 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 9, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dark Posted May 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 9, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Bryant Posted May 10, 2009 Report Share Posted May 10, 2009 A man with no arms or legs is sunbatheing on a beach when 3 real hot women walk up to him feeling sorry for him. The first woman says to the man, 'have you ever been hugged by a girl before?' to which the man replies no. so the woman bends down and hugs him. the second woman goes over and asks if hes ever been kissed before to which he replies no. so the woman goes upto him and kisses him. the last girl goes upto him and says, 'have you ever be screwed befroe?' for the man smiles to himself and confidently says no. the woman then turns round to the man and says, 'well you have now mate cus the tides coming in' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dark Posted May 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 12, 2009 Heard that one before, very good first time round On Topic with a joke: What's the difference between Ricky Hatton and a toaster? A toaster will do you two rounds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dark Posted May 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 12, 2009 Jack and Jill are in Dublin when they decide they want to visit the town centre. However, they don't know the way, so before they leave they ask Paddy, ''what is the quickest way to the town centre?''. Paddy replies '' are you walking or driving?'' ''Driving'' they reply ''Yep, that is the quickest way'' says Paddy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest efctaxi Posted May 12, 2009 Report Share Posted May 12, 2009 Jack and Jill are in Dublin when they decide they want to visit the town centre. However, they don't know the way, so before they leave they ask Paddy, ''what is the quickest way to the town centre?''. Paddy replies '' are you walking or driving?'' ''Driving'' they reply ''Yep, that is the quickest way'' says Paddy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dark Posted May 16, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 16, 2009 Little Georgie watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Georgie found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........" At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Georgie, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for supper time, I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Georgie to tell his story. Georgie started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army." LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest efctaxi Posted May 16, 2009 Report Share Posted May 16, 2009 Little Georgie watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Georgie found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........" At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Georgie, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for supper time, I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Georgie to tell his story. Georgie started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army." LOL Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimmy the blue Posted May 21, 2009 Report Share Posted May 21, 2009 Two Plastic Bags A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag." "Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer." Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On match days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, on match days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., pal! Give me £20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dark Posted May 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 What do you call a softly spoken, well mannered, slim, intelligent, educated, well travelled person in America ? A tourist. ____________________ I was at the cemetery leaving some flowers for my late wife. A bloke came up to me and said "Oy mate, my wife is buried there." I looked again and realised, I had made a grave mistake. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dark Posted May 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 A ventriloquist is on stage in a comedy club doing his standup bit. Through his puppet he tells a harmless blonde joke, after the audience is done laughing one of the audience members, a hot blonde, gets up and shouts “Hey! I don’t appreciate your humor and I am very offended by what you just said! Blondes have a lot to offer this world! Not every blonde woman is as stupid as you say they are!” The ventriloquist stands up and proclaims “Miss I’m very sorry but it’s just a joke, I meant....” The blonde interrupts him saying “I wasn’t talking to you! I was talking to him!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dark Posted May 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2009 The love story of Ralph and Edna... Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dark Posted July 3, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 3, 2009 (edited) couple decide to go for a meal and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special 'Chicken Surprise'. The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises by a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. 'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. 'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?' 'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise' 'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter... ... 'I've brought you the Peeking duck' Edited July 3, 2009 by dark Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dark Posted July 3, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 3, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dark Posted August 25, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 25, 2010 A guy came into my shop wanting 10 bees to make his own honey, I put them in a jar, he said "There is 11 in here mate" I said "I know, one's a freebie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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