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Dark's Joke & Fail Thread


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I fancy this girl at work, who is in a wheelchair. She likes me too, but is a bit concerned about starting a relationship.


"Darling," she said, "I hope if we agree a date you wouldn't stand me up."


"I'd never do that, my love," I replied. "You'd just fall over."




A man in Germany felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest: "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a Jew in my attic."


"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."'


"But I made him agree to pay me $50 for every week he stayed."


"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."


"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."


"What is that, my son?"


"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"



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  • 2 weeks later...

A bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.


He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.


In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'


She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'


'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'


'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman, 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'


'But, where did you get the tools?'


'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the South side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'


The guy is stunned.


'Let's row over to my place', she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite villa painted in blue and white.


While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'


'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'


'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'


Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'


No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.


'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'


When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.


'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes .....


He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....


'Bloody hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

Edited by dark
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How do you make a hormone?


Kick her in the shin




Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.


One says, “I think I've lost an electron.”


The other says, “Are you sure?”


The first says, “Yes, I'm positive...”



Yes, I know real 'dum dum dum tch' but hey, they made me laugh

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There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.


And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?


If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?


In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?


Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?


When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.


When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.












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Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"


"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me."


"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"


Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.


Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"


"You mean a rose?"


"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"










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There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.


After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.


'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.'


'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.'


'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'







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Bob came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.


"Who the hell are you?" demanded Bob, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"


The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."


Bob was stunned "You mean I'm dead?? That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family, you've got to send me back straight away."


St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Bob was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.


"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"


"It's not so bad" replies Bob, "but I have this strange feeling Inside like I'm about to explode."


"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"


"Never!" replies Bob.


"Well just relax and let it happen


So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.


When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him, ever! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...


"Bob, wake up you drunken sod, you've shit the bed!"

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The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.


"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.


The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.


"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"


"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."





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A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.


Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.


The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:


"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

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  • 1 month later...

The first time I travelled to America, I went in a bar and met this really hot girl. I told her I'm a tourist, so she offered me a drink. I told her: "Me is sorry. But I don't drink." However, she told me: "Aw, come on, you're in America now. You should drink a lil' bit." So I downed a whole bottle of whisky. Then we went outside for a walk and she offered me a cigarette. I told her: "So sorry. I don't smoke." But she told me: "Oh come on. Don't be silly. You're in America now. You should give it a try." So I smoked a whole pack of cigarettes. Then she told me: "Now that we're at it, why don't you come round to my flat, honey?" But I said: "So sorry. I'm a vegetarian!









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  • 3 weeks later...

Ok, so some old professor guy is running a class, but before every class he tells his students a dirty, sexist joke. A group of the girls decide together that, if the professor tells another dirty joke at the start of the class then they will get up and leave. However, the professor gets wind of the plot.


At the start of the next lesson, the professor says ''So, have you heard about the shortage of prostitutes in India?'', at which all of the girls stand up and head to the door. Then the professor cries- ''Wait, ladies, the boat doesn't leave 'til tomorrow!''




Why couldn't Superman save the Twin Towers?


They weren't wheelchair accessible.

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'Do you like monster movies. I love monster movies. I simply adore monster movies. And the cheaper they are, the better they are. And cheepnis, in the case of a monster movie, has got nothing to do with the budget of the film. Although it helps.'


Whats the difference between a cactus an Anfield?

On a cactus the pricks are on the outside

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...
  • 1 month later...

Try this one


Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.


Mick says 'how you doin?'


Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'


Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed ...


He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you '.


They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'


Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'


Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?'

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A pirate captain and his first mate are exchanging stories about their adventures at sea. The captain has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch over one eye. The first mate says, "Why do you have that peg leg?" He replies, "One day there was a storm, and I fell overboard, and me leg was bitten off by a shark." "Wow," says the first mate, "what about that hook?" "One time, we were attacked, and I lost me hand in the battle." So the first mate says, "What about the eye patch?" "I was looking up at the sky and a passing parrot left a dropping and it landed in me eye." "You lost your eye to a parrot dropping?" exclaims the first mate in disbelief. "Well, you see, it was me first day with the hook!"

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  • 2 weeks later...

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."


And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."


And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."


And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.


Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry.

Then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. And it is so.







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Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.


Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."


Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.


The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."


The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.


By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."


The blonde shouts, "fire!!"







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Once upon a time, when sailing ships and pirates still ruled the seas, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by pirates. As the crew became frantic, the captain calmly turned to his first mate and said "Bring forth me red shirt...".


The First Mate ran to get the captain's red shirt, which the captain swiftly put on and after this he courageously led his crew in battle.


After a long fight the pirates were defeated.

Later that day, the lookout yelled that there were TWO pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as always,said, "Bring forth me red shirt..."

Once again, he was brought his shirt, and, once again, he put it on, and after this he courageously led his crew in battle.


Tired to death by all the fighting the men sat around on deck that night resting, when an ensign looked to the captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?".

The captain responded "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt doesn't show the wound, and thus you will continue to battle without fear!" The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all sending boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked again to the captain, their leader, for his usual command.


The captain, calm as ever, said "Bring forth me brown pants..."



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