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The jokes thread...


xavier
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Some funny ones,

 

1. Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?” Leroy replied, “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?”

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2. A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?” The father replied. “Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine”

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3. “Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court Judge said, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,” “That’s very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

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4. A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.” “Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”

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5. A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?” The agent replies, “Just a minute…” “Thank you,” the blonde says, and hangs up.

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6. Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. “How was he killed?” asked one detective. “With a golf gun,” the other detective replied. “A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?” “I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.”

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7. A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. “I’m O K. but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say?” asked the nurse. “OOPS !”

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The Daily Telegraph recently conducted a poll of male readers to see what

exactly each enjoyed from a blow job.

 

three percent said they most enjoyed the sensations.

 

two percent confessed their chief enjoyment came from the sense of

domination.

 

ninety five per cent said they really enjoyed the peace and quiet.

 

:wub:;)

 

Add your jokes here, people!

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Ok heres abatch form Pat. Sure to be something to "OFFEND" @ least everyone once amongst em!!!

 

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

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What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

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What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag

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Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

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What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts?

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Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

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What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

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What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

About 45 lbs

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What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

About 45 minutes

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What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

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Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

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Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,

caring,and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

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What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

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What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention

ofdriving.

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Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

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What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

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What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

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Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

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Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.

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Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

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Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying "Yo."

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Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car

only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

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Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

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Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

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What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than

the other?

A speech impediment.

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What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at

half-mast?

They're hiring.

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What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of

thecage along with... "a recipe".

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How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

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What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern

fairytale?

 

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern

fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

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Why is there no Disneyland in China ?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

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The only funny joke ive heard lately goes (and i apologise if it offends anyone):-

 

Police Report

This morning a filidomide couple where apprehended at Liverpool John Lennon airport!

After a series of interviews held at an unnamed Liverpool Police station our investigating officers have decided that there is enough evidence to charge the couple with attempting to take small arms aboard an airoplane!!

(Sorry lads) :)

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a nun is teaching a class and she asks them

 

'now children when you go to heaven what part of your body goes first'

 

a little girl replies 'your hands because when you pray you put your hands in front of you so god can reach out for you'

 

the nun replies 'well done great answer'.

 

then jimmy says ' your legs sister because i went into my mum and dads bedroom and my mum had her legs straight up in the air and she was shouting 'im coming im coming' and if my dad hadn't pinned her down we would have lost her'

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Guest fozzie22

A particularly stupid farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

 

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

 

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

 

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

 

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

 

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look but of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

 

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

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A fella walks into a pub and see's 2 pieces of meat nailed to the roof above the bar .

 

He goes and orders a pint and asks the barman what the pieces of meat are there for .

 

The barman explains '' its a competition we hold weekly where by if you can jump up and catch the meat in you're teeth everyone in the pub has to buy you a drink ''

 

'' What happens if i miss ??? '' asks the puzzled fella ,

 

'' You have to buy everyone in the bar a drink instead '' answers the barman '' Do you fancy a go ????? ''

 

The fella stares at the meet on the roof for a bit and turns to the barman '' Nah i'll give it a miss mate , the steaks are to high '' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! B)

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Guest fozzie22
A fella walks into a pub and see's 2 pieces of meat nailed to the roof above the bar .

 

He goes and orders a pint and asks the barman what the pieces of meat are there for .

 

The barman explains '' its a competition we hold weekly where by if you can jump up and catch the meat in you're teeth everyone in the pub has to buy you a drink ''

 

'' What happens if i miss ??? '' asks the puzzled fella ,

 

'' You have to buy everyone in the bar a drink instead '' answers the barman '' Do you fancy a go ????? ''

 

The fella stares at the meet on the roof for a bit and turns to the barman '' Nah i'll give it a miss mate , the steaks are to high '' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! B)

 

Groan :lol:

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