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1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'

My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress

and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -

and I was in the wrong one.


Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,

San Francisco


2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an

elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.


'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.


Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,

Seattle , WA


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife

that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.


Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest

of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'


Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his

cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble

with one of his medications..

' Which one ?' .. . I asked. 'The patch... The Nurse told me to put

on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put

it !'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!


Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before

applying a new one.


Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,

Norfolk , VA


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,

'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete

confusion she answered . . ..

' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'


Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-

Corvallis , OR


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while

checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this


' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get

used to the taste.'. .. . Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled

'KY Jelly.'


Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,

Detroit ,


7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with

purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of

tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly

determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was

scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on

the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been

dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . ..' Keep

off the grass.'


Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on

the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the



Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..


8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite

embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.. To cover my

embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.


The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly

burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my

work and sheepishly said. . . ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard

. . . ' No doctor but the song you were whistling was .. . .' I wish

I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner .' '


Dr. wouldn't submit his name....


1 MORE Baby's First Doctor Visit


A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for

the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived,

and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little

concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.


'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.


She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both

breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this

baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'


I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.

Edited by Rubecula
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