Turning 30 is hard. For me, its because of some childish bullshit that I seem to have rooted inside. As a child, turning 30 was getting old because you rarely saw footballers after they were 30. Rarely more than 35, then they disappeared - players didnt turn into a football pundits when I was growing up, at least not like today. My favourite players as a kid vanished, as if they had died. So in my head, still, Im only a few years away. Which is nonsense (I hope!) but I cant shake that kid in me thats saying "too late to play for Everton now, lifes over". :dont know:
How can you have coped if you didnt exist (so far as we know) to cope? Ive been thinking of how to summerize and Monty Python came to hand. One of the last lines of "always look on the bright side of life" is "youve come from nothing, youre going back to nothing. what have you lost? nothing!". Bullshit! I will have lost everything that was me in the time between things.
not all the time, but sleep is difficult. I try to seize the day, but unfortunately sometimes means doing stupid things at inappropriate moments. Also finding it tough at the moment to not just do whatever the hell I want, and damn the consequences, because what does it matter in the end? Cant do most of what I want to do, as it would end up hurting the people I love, or I dont have the money.
Id love to have that realization without your experience mate!
I grew up Catholic, I had absolute faith, I thought unshakable. After my grandad died (a huge part of my first 16 years, he was my best friend), it all fell apart. I started questioning everything. If there is an afterlife in the way Christianity describes, I will most likely burn for my sins (though I am genuinely sorry about most of them, so I might get lucky ). Weirdly enough, Im more comfortable with eternal damnation than I am at the idea of not existing.
Theres a positive, if thats the right word, for my aversion to death - Im curious as to how the world, mankind and the universe will continue. I know people who cant stand the idea of being immortal, that watching people you love disappear forever. Cold, harsh fact is that you get over it (although it fuckin hurts) with time, and if youre immortal thats all youve got.
My wife is the opposite, shes got it in her head that if I die, she will too a few days later because she cant live without me. Which is all very romantic, but selfish and, overall, bullshit. She doesnt seem affected at all by our recent discussions
Sorry to go on about this. I know its a morbid topic but I dont feel I can talk to anyone about it, mostly because I dont want to say anything that makes people think "shit, hes right" and breakdown!
