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Genuine Police Complaint


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This is a genuine complaint to Greenock Police Force from an angry member of the public. A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....


> --------------

> Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,


> Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Greenock

> police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea

> and try e-mailing you instead.


> Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues

> in Greenock, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.


> As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I

> think you call them youths) in Mathie Crescent, which is just off Mathie

> Road in Gourock.


> Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a

> football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes

> an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.

> This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring

> system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.


> The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several

> bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully

> dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting

> about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.


> I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited

> attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the

> two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs

> off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to

> lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up

> half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.


> What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless

> assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with,

> why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night)

> when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car

> before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of

> course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually

> look like.


> I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these

> throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head

> start before coming to arrest me.


> I remain your obedient servant

> ???????


> ---------------------------------------------------------------------


> Mr ??????,


> I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems

> caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered

> in trying to contact the police.


> As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an

> offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss

> the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number)

> and when may be suitable.


> Regards

> PC ???????

> Community Beat Officer


> ---------------------------------------------------------------------


> Dear PC ???????

> First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my

> original e-mail.


> 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Greenock Police

> Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris

> McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.


> Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community

> Beat Officer.


> May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five

> or so years I have lived in Mathie Crescent , I have never seen you. Do

> you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the

> gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his

> forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a

> matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.


> Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in

> Gourock, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due

> care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain

> (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these xxxx that

> they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere?


> The pitch on Larkfield Road or the one at Battery Park are both within

> spitting distance, as is the bottom of the Gourock Dock, the latter being

> the preferred option especially if the tide is in.


> Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to

> contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to

> answer, I'll buy you a large one in Monty's Pub.


> Regards

> ?????????


> P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't

> work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!



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