The Qantas List

[Jimmy the blue]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a "Gripe

Sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The

mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,

and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

 

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'

pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S)

by maintenance engineers. Never let it be said that ground crews lack

a sense of humour.

 

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

 

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

 

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

 

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

 

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

 

 

P: Something loose in cockpit.

 

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

 

S: Live bugs on back-order.

 

 

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

 

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

 

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

 

S: Evidence removed.

 

 

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

 

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

 

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

 

S: That's what they're for.

 

 

 

P: IFF inoperative.

 

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

 

 

P: Sspected crack in windshield.

 

S: Suspect you're right.

 

 

 

P: Number 3 engine missing.

 

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

 

 

P: Aircraft handles funny.

 

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 

 

 

P: Target radar hums.

 

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

 

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

 

S: Cat installed.

 

 

 

And the best one for last:

 

 

 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.

 

S: Took hammer away from midget

[Lowensda]

Im Gonna guess Qantas isn't gona be peoples 1st choice after this one Jim lol

[Guest efctaxi]

lmao Jim

[Romey 1878]

That's brilliant, cheers for that Jim.

[jamiemaher85]

Genius

[MikeO]

That's very funny Jim.

 

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

When my dad was a globe trotting exec ( ) many years ago he arrived at an airport in the States and the internal airline he and his colleague were booked had, "We've never had a crash" as one of their selling points.

The bloke dad was with refused point blank to get on the plane on the basis that they must be due one . Had to transfer to a different flight.

 

The Communist era Eastern European airlines were the worst...Aeroflot used to fall out of the sky all the time. I did a couple of flights on Balkan Airways back then. Terrifying. The funniest bit was their smoking policy though....smoking on the left of the plane, non-smoking on the right . That way non-smokers could always be guaranteed to be within six feet of a fag .