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Todays awful jokes - you've been warned


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1. The wife came out of the shower naked, and said "Shut the curtains, I don't want the neighbours to see me with no clothes on".


I said "If the neighbours see you naked, they'll shut their own damn curtains ".





2. My Polish wife is struggling to come to terms with the English language. The other night she said to me "Me be going out with friends this night".


Smiling, I had to correct her: " No you're fu*^%ng not!"




3. I went out last Friday, and got totally pissed out of my mind. I woke up next to this fat sweaty bird, who was snoring, grunting, and farting.


I thought thank fu^& for that; at least I made it home. laugh.png




4. Went to the doctors today. I said " do you treat alcoholics?" He said " Of course we do". I said "Great. Get your coat on. We're off to the pub. I'm skint". biggrin.png




5. Today, my friend asked me "If we could eliminate one race from the Olympics, what would it be?"


I said "( .... your country of choice here ... )" . Apparently everyone else said the 800 metres.





6. Why men shouldn't be agony aunts .............


Dear Alan.


I left home for work last week, and after less than a mile, my car stalled and wouldn't start.


I walked all the way home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old baby sitter. They annopunced that the affair had been going on for 2 years. Can you help me? I'm desperate.


Dear reader.


The most common cause of breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. I hope this helps. Alan. laugh.png




7. My friend asked me to smuggle a camera into prison for him. I decided to hide it up my ass. The camera went in no bother, but the tripod made my f*&"! eyes water. doh.gif



8. A man gets pulled over for drunk driving. When the policeman opens the door, the guy falls out of the car face first totally pissed. The policeman says "Sir, I'm taking you in. It's obvious that you are drunk"! The guy replies " Thank f"!^* for that, hic. I thought the f&^*"! steering had gone "!




9. I bought some 'Meatloaf' boxer shorts today. On the front it says "I will do anything for love" and on the back it says " But I won't do that"! :mrgreen: yay.gif




10. Took a girl home from the pub the other night. I said to her "You remind me of my little toe". Smiling, she said "Is it because I'm small and cute?" I said "No; it's because I just know that before the night is out, I'm going to bang you on my coffee table"! Afro%20-%202.gif

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A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a

pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the

bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.


"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled

him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became

suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in

the closet.


"Who are you?" he asked him.


"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.


"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.


"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the

man replied.


"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.


The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

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