"if i was in their shoes... well they haven't got any"
- karl talking on starving africans getting goats for christmas
"How would I know which one was me?"
- Re: the doppelganger
"...I wondered over, right, got right up close to it, and somebody had wroted - uh"
-On visiting a big creepy house and walking up to the wall to inspect a note on the wall.
"I'm saying, who's happy at the end of this? You've got a fella who hasn't got a present over here because their mate brought 'em a goat. So there's a tick- he's not happy. Then, you've got the person who's opened it, who like I said, wanted something else, right, it's a goat, and they go ' *tuts* who's gonna look after this?', right, so tick- they're not happy, and then you got the goat going 'what am I doing here?''"
"What does a goat give you?"
Ricky and Steve: "Milk"
"Right, now wouldn't it be easier, just to send a bottle of milk."
-On Oxfam's scheme.
"Let me put myself in their shoes - well, they haven't got any..."
- On the African poor.
Karl: "Even the bit that was important, right, when they were getting married, right, there wasn't enough chairs cos it was, y'know, all the family gets the chairs, don't they (Ricky: 'selfish...') so I was sort of stood at the back and that, watching, and er, I couldn't hear what was going on, cos a woman was breastfeeding her baby."
Steve: 'But- what- How loud was this baby guzzling away that you couldn't hear what was going on?'
Karl: 'It was slurping, and all that....'
-On a friend's wedding.
(Submitted by Zeenat - 23rd March 2006)
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"They just age over night like a pear"
and
"you never really see a 30 year old chinese person"
- Karl justifing the fact that the chinese age quickly
(Submitted by Alex Fuller - 20th March 2006)
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Karl Pilkington Quotes
It wouldn't happen... There hasn't been one publication by a monkey.
Expressing his disbelief regarding Infinite monkey theorem.
It's big, but there's nothing there. It's like the millenium dome
Karl's view on why space isn't interesting
Don't chuck stuff about because you'll break it.
Karl fails to grasp the metaphorical nature of the 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones' proverb.
People who live in glass houses have to answer the door.
Karl updates the famous proverb (see above) with literal advice.
There's this hairy Chinese kid.
It was bacteria, fish, mermaid, man, onwards and what have you.
Karl ponders the stages of man's evolution.
How can you freeze time?
I could eat a knob at night.
Were those presents the three kings brought Jesus for Christmas or his birthday?
And that bloke who was in the rocket, right, he was the loneliest man ever...in the world.
I just like odd stuff.
Karl gives a reason for his fascination with 'freaks'.
Even caveman had little pants on when you see footage of them.
I don't want to be bungled in.
Cheer someone up, have a laugh with them, make their day and that.
Karl's alternative Christmas message of 2005.
Elephant Man's coming in? Right, get some more buns in.
Don't be chucking that out you might need it later.
Karl's interpretation of Benjamin Franklin's "Waste not, want not."
You don't have to do it straight away, but just do it before it gets really bad.
Another interpretation of a proverb, based on Franklin's "A stitch in time saves nine."
I scored once, and that's only because I was being chased by a bee." Karl's most vivid memory of playing football at school.
A little story told quickly.
Karl's definition of an analogy
They go from building to building, just building.
On builders
Why is alright to be goin' around going mental with a gun shooting all the monkeys and killin' em? Cuz one day, we're gonna run out.
Before we got here, were there people whose eyes were looking in their head?
What were the things in 'Gremlins' called?
You never see a black ghost, do you?
One day, you'll be able to wake up and eat a yoghurt you can have a chat with.
Why didn't evolution give them genes to make them good at carpentry then, so they could build a ladder instead of growing long necks?
On the the evolution of the giraffe.
Who's it for, at the end of the day?
Karl on marriage.
The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.
In Karl's Diary.
Yeah, but you never sort of see a thirty five year old one.
On how Chinese people don't age well.
If you saw an old fella eating a twix, you would think, 'thats a bit wierd innit?'
They say they've got a new pope, he's hardly new is he?
Knowledge is almost annoying.
Knowledge is hassle.
It wouldn't have happened if he hadn't have been on holiday.
On the death of Plato, who was apparently (according to Karl) killed when he was on a beach, and a bird dropped it's egg to let the babies out on Plato's head, the reason being that the bird thought plato's bald head was a rock. Karl seems to have confused Plato with the Greek playwright Aeschylus, who according to legend was killed when an eagle, mistaking his bald head for a rock, dropped a turtle on him.
It's 2006, why are they still using the index finger?
Karl on prostate exams
I once laughed myself to sleep, because I couldn't believe my luck.
Karl on the joy of sleeping when he was a kid.
I haven't had decent sleep since I was twelve
If you can't treat a cheerful tramp, what kind of tramp can you treat?
