Matt

If you can read the whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks than there's no hope for you. I didn't make it without tears. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-Off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It makes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast. Frank: Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili #1 Mikes' Maniac Mobster Monster Chili Judge #1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge #2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. Judge #3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili #2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili Judge #1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge #2 Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge #3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili #3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili Judge #1 Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge #2 A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge #3 Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routing by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer. Chili #4 Bubba's Black Magic Chili Judge #1 Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge #2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge #3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 lb. bitch is starting to look hot--just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili #5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover Judge #1 Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge #2 Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge #3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Judge #1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge #2 The best yet. Aggressive use of pepper, onions and garlic. Superb. Judge #3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shat myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. Chili #7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili Judge #1 A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge #2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge #3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili Judge #1 The perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge #2 This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

answers on a postcard (or a PM if its easier), i will let you know if your correct! Oh, and I need the nationality too! Nationality: __Norwegian___ _________________ __________________ ___________________ __________________ Color: ______________ ___Blue___________ __________________ ___________________ __________________ Drink: ______________ __________________ ____Milk___________ ___________________ __________________ Pet: ______________ __________________ __________________ ___________________ __________________ Ciggies: ______________ __________________ __________________ ___________________ __________________ Just to give you a helping hand!

Facts: There are 5 houses of 5 different colors (each house of one color). Each resident is of a different nationality. Each of the 5 residents drinks a different drink, smokes a different brand of cigarettes and each has a different kind of pet. None of the residents has the same pet, smokes the same brand or drinks the same drink as the others. Details: 1. The Englishman lives in the Red house. 2. The Swede has a dog. 3. The Dane drinks tea. 4. The Green house is immediately to the left of the White house. 5. The resident of the Green house drinks coffee. 6. The person who smokes Pall Mall has birds. 7. The resident of the Yellow house smokes Dunhill. 8. The resident of the middle house drinks milk. 9. The Norwegian lives in the first house. 10. The person who smokes Blend lives next to the person who has cats. 11. The person who owns horses lives next to the person who smokes Dunhill. 12. The person who smokes Blue Master drinks beer. 13. The German smokes Prince. 14. The Norwegian lives next to the Blue house. 15. The person who smokes Blend has a neighbor who drinks water. Question: WHICH RESIDENT HAS THE PET FISH?

1. Teaching Maths In 1970 A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? 2. Teaching Maths In 1980 A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price. What is his profit? 3. Teaching Maths In 1990 A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80. How much was his profit? 4. Teaching Maths In 2000 A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 5. Teaching Maths In 2005 A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20. 6. Teaching Maths In 2009 A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies s cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor. Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life? 7. Teaching Maths In 2010 A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prim e mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses. The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it. Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master. The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonus's are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances. You do the maths.

honestly depends on who we've got back. I waiting until i see the time announced. i agree with above though, we need the 1 game that turns our season around and it needs to be sooner rather than laters so that we're on a roll by the time we play the Kopites in a few weeks time. I want to be facing them on the back of sucessive victories...

funny that, my cousin is coming over from Adelaide in late November too. Also planning a trip to Geneva too?

G'day Bruce!

im going with Jack, but only because he was one of the 4 names i heard mentioned, and the others werent mentioned in a positive light. Maybe Johnny but other than that, Cahill/Felli/Gosling/Jo/Hibbert - dont think i heard their names at all...

right, im off to cry myself to sleep. good night all....

at least those lucky enough to the have Radio Merseyside dont have to listen to Bright. If theres anyone who can wind me up and bring me down at the same time....

from what i heard on the radio Mike, Keane stuck it into the roof of the net which was the only space that wasnt blocked by one of us. still, shouldnt have had the chance to shoot but so ya know...

why did we take Saha off. Yak and Jo are very lazy players who need chances created for them and we dont have the creativity for that. Saha is the only threatening player we've got! I say give the kids a run out now. As soon as Moyes took Saha off he pretty much resigned us to a loss...

to be honest, the only thing getting me down is the fact that Mark Bright (what an ironic surname) is doing the commentary...

I cant see it being that big a humiliation. It all depends on whether we get some players back. Saying that, i dont see 'Arry taking it that serious and with his ego and our recent form i wouldnt be surprised to see him put out his reserves. im going to say 2-1 to Spurs, with our luck it will be Naughton who scores the last minute winner for them and Howard gets himself sent off or injured (just to complete the crock 11). Apologies for the downer on things, but im not well at the mo (niether is the missus) and im stuck at work. So not exactly chipper....

i assume some of these comments where made before the Benfica and Bolton game?!

i wont bother, mostly because its the most depressing desktop image (company logo and slogan, which cannot be changed)...

i was thinking more of extra physio tables, but i suppose they could stretch to some Christmas deccies too!

where did i once question the training methods? i quoted the mighty Python to make light of the claim that training is responsible. Who's the airhead now, dumbass...

maybe freeing up money for christmas spending?

i would go with Arteta over Jags at the moment, purely because i think the midfield needs the help and isnt protecting the defence. We cant hold it up in midfield and cant go forward with it, so the ball has to go back where it is launched upfield. We need the creativity to push back teams, that will take a lot of pressure of the back 4. A true replacement of Lee Carsely would also come in very, very handy...

slight diversion here, but when did punctuation die out? or are people really just speaking in massive paragraphs until they've got no oxygen left in their lungs, go blue and pass out?

You try telling that to the youth of today, and they wont believe you... seriously though, whats going on?! Has Baz got a seriously hot assistant who does all the massages?

ok, 4 weeks later and i havent heard boo about his injury. Any news anyone? We're sorely missing his creativity...

Has to be King Louis. I dont understand why he isnt starting every game, he is the only exciting player we have on the pitch at the moment and is in form. Was Jo playing? Thought Neill did reseasonably well, good passing and vision with the ball but seemed rusty when defending. Felli actually showed a little effort this game, which was nice to see and Gosling, despite that 1 moment when his mind went AWOL, played OK, but neither deserved MOTM. Skippy was absent, which im very surprised at - his dip in form is lasting longer than i thought it would. Rodwell needs a rest, was always going backwards... If i didnt mention anyone else, its either because they didnt deserve the recognition. Was utterly disappointed with the performance, with the exception of Louis, who again gave his all and was the only person willing to push forward...