iggy

A man walks into a pub, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look mate, I'll bring you martinis all night long - but you've got to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline." If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."

Ah yes you are right Mikeo, 'tis old, but funny!

Sherlock Holmes and Mr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "Is that all?" Holmes asked. "Yes," Watson replied, "Why, am I missing something?" Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke: "NO Watson, you dickhead. Someone has stolen the fucking tent."

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons and said "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this astonishing spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink. " The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator really hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone £100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blond woman timidly spoke up "I'll try, but please don't hit me so hard on the head with the beer bottle"

THINGS WOMEN CAN’T DO Know anything about cars except their colour Understand a film plot Go 24 hours without sending a text message Lift things Throw things Run Park a car properly Fart properly Read a map Rob a bank Resist Ikea Sit still Tell a joke Play pool Pay for a meal Eat a kebab whilst walking Pee out of a train window Argue without shouting Get told off without crying Understand fruit machines Walk past a shoe shop Make a decent bacon butty Not comment on other peoples clothes Use small amounts of loo paper Let you sleep when you have a hangover Drink a pint gracefully Get a round in Throw a punch Do magic Like your friends Enjoy……….. anything really Eat a really hot curry Get to the point Buy plain envelopes Take less than 20 minutes in the bathroom Sit in a room for more than 5 minutes without saying I’m cold / hot Avoid using credit cards Dive into a pool Assemble furniture Roll a bogey between finger and thumb Set a video/dvd recorder Not try and change you Watch a good war film Understand why flirting ends in violence Spend a whole day by themselves Go to the toilet by themselves Buy a purse that fits in their pocket Choose a video quickly Admit they were wrong Get this far without arguing with at least one of the above !

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats. 2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 5) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 6) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 7) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jelly to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the joy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. (Is this men only?) 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You know you're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT SUCCESS: At age 4 success is . . . not wetting your pants. At age 12 success is . . . having friends. At age 17 success is . . . having a driving license. At age 20 success is . . . going all the way. At age 35 success is . . . having money. At age 50 success is . . . having money. At age 60 success is . . . going all the way. At age 70 success is . . . having a driving license. At age 75 success is . . . having friends. At age 80 success is . . . not wetting your pants

LISTEN UP ALL YOU WOMEN We always hear “The Rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male perspective! Please note; All the rules are numbered “1” so you don’t get too confused 1) Learn to work the toilet seat! You need it down, we need it up, you don’t hear us complaining when you leave it down! 1) Saturday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides, you can’t change it so let it be! 1) Shopping is NOT a sport! 1) Crying is blackmail 1) Ask for what you want Subtle/strong or obvious hints (in your mind) do not work…. Just ask!. 1) Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to most questions! 1) Come to us with a problem if you want it solved, that’s want we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for! 1) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor 1) Anything we said more than 48 hours ago is inadmissible in an argument 1) If you don’t dress like playboy girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys! 1) If you think you are fat then you probably are, don’t expect us to lie! 1) If something we say can be interpreted in 2 ways, we meant the one that didn’t make you sad/upset/angry! 1) You can ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done but not both! If you know best then do it yourself. 1) Whenever possible please say whatever you have to say during the commercial breaks. 1) Christopher Columbus did not need directions and nor do we! 1) All men see in 16 colours only, a bit like windows default settings. Peach for example is a fruit not a colour, we have no idea what “taupe” is. 1) If it itches, we scratch it! 1) If we ask “what’s wrong and you say “nothing”, we will act like nothing is wrong even though we know you are lying, it’s just not worth the hassle! 1) If you ask a question that you don’t really want an answer to, then expect an answer that you don’t want to hear! 1) When we go out together anything you wear is fine……..honestly! 1) Don’t ask what we are thinking unless you what to talk about beer/sport/sex! 1) You have more than enough clothes to wear! 1) You have far too many pairs of shoes! 1) I am in shape……….round is a shape! Thanks for reading this. Yes I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but men don’t mind that, it’s a bit like camping really.

It's the way I tell 'em!

Out on her royal yacht (borrowed for the occasion) the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time. At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ...... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht. On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them and sailed away. As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!" "That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country." "Well," Rooney replied, "she knows nothing about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up?"

If Greek clubs don't get to play in European competitions then the darkside may not have to play in the cl qualifiers!

SPEEDING TIPS Did you know that every time your car goes past a speed camera even 1mph over the set limit it is registered and put on a database? You get a ticket only if you are way over the limit or (and this is the bit that I didn't know) if you receive over 20 near misses, you will be classed as a serial offender and get a ticket the next time you go just over the limit. This is why you hear of people being done for 34mph in a 30 limit area whilst others doing 39 are not. Following the Government's freedom of information act you can now get access to speed camera offences registered in the last 12 months. You can check what has been registered against your vehicle at the following address: http://www.e-database.co.uk You will be asked for a password but just click on the "need a password" link and you will be given one for future use. If there is any data on your vehicle you can click on the camera window to see a copy of the photograph.

Absolutely!

A redneck family from the boondocks was visiting the city and they were in a shopping mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?" The father (never having seen a lift) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy..................go git cha Momma..............."

Apologies Mikeo just found the on tour with the toffes bit and it says Exeter.

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message - 370HSSV-0773H Bush was baffled, so he E-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down!!"

News just in that he has been found guilty of all charges. He has been sentenced to death by firing squad As a final request he asked that he may choose the firng squad personally and this was granted He has selected Lampard, Gerrard and Carragher from 12 yards. (Apologies if you already saw this but it amused me)

Mikeo, I read as "the southwest" and not Devon specifically. According to rumours on the blueroom they are at or near a place called Hinton Charterhouse in Somerset

Blackburn are in need of a new striker since Bellamys departure but this is surely scraping the barrel!!!! From SSN Rovers seal Jeffers move By Graeme Bailey - Created on 3 Jul 2006 Blackburn have completed the signing of Francis Jeffers. The 25-year-old, who has one England cap to his name, has penned a two-year deal at Ewood Park with an option for a third. Jeffers has been looking for a new club since being released by Charlton at the end of the season, following a less than successful spell in South London. The Liverpool-born star is now hoping a move back to the North West will kick-start his career. "I spoke to a number of clubs but once I spoke to Mark [Hughes, manager] my mind was made up as to where I would go," he told the club's website. "I've had a difficult couple of years but I've no doubt that I can do it given a fair crack of the whip here I'm sure I can get back to my best and take this club forward." Jeffers is Blackburn's second signing of the summer following Jason Brown's arrival from Gillingham.

A premises manager at a large secondary school.

Absolutely. He is not needed. Most of us (the fans) don't wan't the jug-eared firkin twot back!!

Stuff the gentleman bit! Was in the fatherland for a few years when in the army, so not so learned either!

Common misconception here guys. Bayern Munich (or Bayern Munchen in the Bavarian dialect) means Munich in (or from) Bavaria. Borussia Munchengladbach however are from a town caled , wait for it, Munchengladbach, in the northern half of Germany and has no relation to Munich.

The Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.'" After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl. Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender. Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud. Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you. Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder. 'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing. Then he added a mouth. and ruined the whole bloody thing.