iggy

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself, and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back, and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying... "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife..." (His funeral service will be held next week.)

2 good 'uns for you to watch on ESPN classic tonight and tomorrow..... Thu 01 Mar 7.30PM Times Vary Starring Andy Gray Everton V Watford 1984 ESPN Classic on Sky Channel 442 The ‘Friendly Final’ saw smiles all round on the Wembley terraces and an open, attacking game. Until Andy Gray thundered into Watford’s keeper. Fri 02 Mar 7.30PM Times Vary Featuring Andy Gray Everton v Bayern Munich 1985 ESPN Classic on Sky Channel 442 The 1984-85 season was gathering pace at a phenomenal rate. The most famous game played at Goodison Park

Will bear that in mind Mike, am going up for a long weekend for this one (Arrive Fri leave Mon) anyway so I can chop the ticket back in on the Friday anyway. Hope you won't be offended if I get a definate taker (Will check with you first) before then though!

That image will stay with me for a very long time!!

I would mate, but that service only applies to season tickets. Not too bothered if I get no takers because I will just return the ticket for a refund.

Due to overeagerness on my part :blush02: I am in posession of an extra ticket for the Arsenal match. Main stand, face value, anyone interested?

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt. So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!

I use P2P quite often, it's not too bad, most of the games I have watched carry an English commentary, but last nights was in Norwegian......... and could I feck find an RS to trasnslate for me

Prime Minister Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'" "No," said Blair, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?" Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand... In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a bloody accident either."

Doesn't look like it's going to happen anyway....... from the official site....... David Moyes has moved to clarify media reports regarding an Everton move for Joey Barton. Speculation in Tuesday's papers linked the Manchester City midfielder with a switch to Goodison Park. And Goodison chief Moyes admitted that he had spoken to City counterpart Stuart Pearce about the 24-year old from Huyton. Moyes told evertonfc.com: "I can confirm theat we have made an enquiry for Joey Barton. "However, Manchester City made it clear he was not for sale and we respect the wishes of the club and Stuart Pearce."

And you're not the first to call me that either................. maybe I was a pig in former life!

Swindon Town

Cracking one Louis

I've heard loads of them, but try and stick to the better ones!

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million pounds. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million pounds?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy? " The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between Potentially and Realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, dad. Potentially, we're sitting on three million pounds, but Realistically, we're living with two sluts and a poof."

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me 7. Pyromania --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away? 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, 11. Tourette's Syndrome --- I'm #%(^$%###$%#!@))_ Dreaming of _(&^&* &*^&& Christmas

Might just let you suffer a bit longer, there's beers to be won on this first!!

No mate, but it does work!

Only just seen this but it's very good............................ And I have also worked out how it's done too!!

On the first day of Christmas my true love said to me I'm glad we've bought a turkey and a proper Christmas tree. On the second day of Christmas much laughter could be heard As we tucked into our turkey - a most delicious bird. On the third day of Christmas we had friends in from next door The turkey tasted just as good as on the day before. On the fourth day of Christmas, Gran came--she's rather old. We finished up the Christmas pud and ate the turkey cold. On the fifth day of Christmas, outside the snowflakes flurried But we were nice and warm inside--we ate the turkey, curried. On the sixth day of Christmas the turkey spirit died. The children fought and bickered and we ate the turkey--fried. On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave a wince When he sat down to dinner and was given turkey mince. On the eighth day of Christmas, the dog ran off for shelter I served up turkey pancakes and a glass of Alka-Seltzer. On the ninth day of Christmas, poor Dad began to cry He said he couldn't stand the strain of eating turkey pie. On the tenth day of Christmas, the air was rather blue And everybody grumbled at eating turkey stew. On the eleventh day of Christmas, the Christmas tree was moulting Mince pies hard as rock and the turkey quite revolting. On the twelfth day of Christmas at last Dad smacked his lips The guests had gone, the turkey, too - we dined on fish and chips

Ditto..............

Very sad news in both the above cases. Can I also point out that there has been a third in Paul Mchale, a moderator on the blueroom, who collapsed and died whilst playing 5-a-side football just a couple nights ago. There is a sticky thread on the blueroom for anybody who may wish to leave their condolences. RIP boys.

YOU MAY WELL HAVE HEARD THIS ONE BEFORE, BUT I LIKE IT................................. A drunk football fan is driving home after a long night at the pub. Hes completely off his head and is weaving his car all over the road. Eventualy a cop spots him and chases him down until the steaming driver pulls over, taking a couple of bus stops with him. The police officer steps out of his car and strides towards the car. The driver winds the window down and the police officer sticks his head in the window. " Have you been drinking?" asked the cop " erm n (hic) No" said the driver " I'm sorry sir" said the cop "but I can smell alcohol and I am going to have to breathalyze you" The driver fumbles into his glove compartment and gets out his wallet. He produces a card from the wallet that reads - Athsmatic, please dont take breath samples " fine, a blood test then" The drunk then gets a card out saying Haemophilliac, please dont take blood samples. "FINE THEN, ITS A URINE TEST!" the irritated cop shouts Then the driver produces another card and hands it to the cop the card reads " Liverpool supporter, please dont take the piss"

There has been a petition started to get rid of him once and for all. Feel free to add yourself if you wish, it probably won't have any effect but you can at least register your dissatisfaction http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/SackGrahamPoll

All depends mate. Gladdy is normally best for atmosphere, park end at least means you won't have a restricted view, pretty much everywhere else means some obstruction from a pillar at some point. Having said that, a cup game under lights and hopefully a full house, it should be good wherever you go!