iggy

Have England started to come into form at the right time I wonder? Mind you, I'm not getting carried away.......... Fooking All Blacks in the semi! (Should be anyway)

Unlikely, but it's a start.

Hahahaha, nice one fishy!

I know it's not to everyones taste (Cue Mac!) but it kicks off this Friday with the hosts, France, taking on Argentina. The All Blacks are understandably the pre-tournament favourites, but this is still a cup competition so anything can happen. Sadly I think it highly unlikely that England will retain the title they claimed against the Aussies in their own backyard, but that won't stop me wishing! Group A - England, Samoa, S. Africa, Tonga, USA Group B - Australia, Canada, Fiji, Japan, Wales Group C - Italy, New Zealand, Portugal, Romania, Scotland Group D - Argentina, France, Georgia, Ireland, Namibia Two from each group to go into a quarter final stage, and all of the british isles teams have potential "banana skins" to overcome. I fully expect each of them to get through from the group stages though, with the possible exception of Scotland

Nothing will stop me following Everton whenever I can. C'mon guys, it's the team we support not the stadium. I shall be just as sad as everyone else when I walk out of Goodison Park for the very last time, doubtless with tears in my eyes, but what is done is done.

One day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed. On the next day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed. On the next day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life. You want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again. Then on the next day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But Man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.

It will certainly not go to general sale! It didn't last season, largely because of our good following away from home and the fact that the Madejski is one of the smallest grounds in the prem.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied... "My wife's first husband."

A little on the long side but here goes.............. SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk. FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away... TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead. A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide. A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them. A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and execute the newsman who reported the real situation. AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them. AN IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a democracy... AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate. WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive. A SCOTTISH CORPORATION: You put a fur coat on one and claim a new breed, you shove a scaffolding tube up the behind of the other one, blow hard and try to make music, well sort of... AN ENGLISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The Government says you have to buy a license to milk them, but first you have to do a risk assessment, which only the government Quango is allowed to carry out. They charge you 5 times the cost of doing it. They find that the three legged stool is a risk under health and safety. You have to buy the EC approved 5 legged stool that is designed to support a milk maid of up to 250 kilos. It is too heavy to carry. The stool exceeds EC weight lifting limits for workers by 4 kilos, which just happens to be the weight of the fifth leg. To shift the stool from one cow to the other you therefore need a special (EC approved) trolley. The new stool and trolley are so expensive that you have to mortgage one of the cows to pay for them and pay for the mandatory training course you must take to get your license to milk the cows. You sell your milk to the supermarket chain that pays you naff all for it, and then they sell it to their customers for four times what they paid you. Then they release a press statement about how wonderful they are to support British Cows. The rest of the world thinks your cows are mad but you and your cows know that it is not true and anyway the rest of the world have no intention of identifying and counting their mad cows so people in other countries don't know their cows are really, really barmy do they. You sell your cows to a Polish itinerant worker and your farm to a Russian 'investment bank' and then you leave to buy a villa by the sea in a country where it is sunny and the cost of milk is a tenth the cost of milk at home. They don't have a National Health Service.......but you are so happy and relaxed your health improves and you live to be a hundred...

Imagine if all major retailers and manufacturers started making their own condoms and kept the same advertising tag-lines.... Sainsbury condoms - Making life taste better. Tesco condoms - Every little helps. Nike condoms - Just do it. Peugeot condoms - The ride of your life. Galaxy condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk. KFC condoms - Finger licking good. Minstrels condoms - Melt in your mouth, not your hands. Safeway condoms - Lightening the load. Abby national condoms - Because life is complicated enough. Coca Cola condoms - The real thing. Ever ready condoms - Keeps going and going. Pringles condoms - Once you pop, you can't stop. Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper. FCUK condoms - No comment required. Muller light condoms - So much pleasure, but where's the pain. Halfords condoms - We go the extra mile. Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you. Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long. Renault condoms - Size really does matter. Ronseal condoms - Does exactly what it says on the tin. Ronseal quick-drying condoms - Its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes. Domestos condoms - Gets right under the rim. Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach. Carlsberg condoms - Probably the best condoms in the world. AA condoms - For the 4th emergency service. Pepperami condoms - Its a bit of an animal. Polo condoms - The condom with the hole.

I'll tell you what Liam, after reading your posts on this thread I'm coming round to your way of thinking!

Martins escapes horror gun attack Oluwashina Okeleji BBC Sport, Lagos Martins is contemplating his international future after the attack Newcastle and Nigeria striker Obafemi Martins escaped uninjured after being shot at while driving in Lagos. The Magpies striker was attacked by masked gunmen on Monday night, hours after he returned home from Nigeria's Nations Cup qualifier against Niger. The 22-year-old escaped unhurt but a friend was injured after his Mercedes was sprayed with bullets. "For a moment I thought I was going to die as they kept shooting at my car indiscriminately," said Martins. My mother is scared and I don't feel safe in Nigeria anymore "Those guys wanted me dead - they had no intention of sparing anyone in the car. They were not robbers because after the shooting they left without taking anything from the car. "I thank God that my friend survived. It was like a movie but I thank God I'm alive to tell the story." The incident occurred at a petrol station in VGC, a suburb of Lagos, where Martins had stopped to buy fuel. The visibly shaken striker has now flown to Italy and is reluctant to return to Nigeria for international duty after the incident. "My mother is scared they could come back again. I don't feel safe here anymore. "I came home to play for my country and spend my holidays with my friends and family. This is not what I expected. "I think people will now understand why some players don't feel comfortable coming back to Nigeria from Europe. "I came home for the game against Niger because I wanted to play for my country and make the people happy." Martins is not the only Europe-based footballer to be attacked by unknown gunmen in recent weeks. Benjamin Onwuachi, of Greek side Ionikos, Femi Ajilore, of Danish club Midtjylland as well as Romania-based Ifeanyi Emeghara were all attacked while on holiday in Lagos. "A lot of things are wrong with the system in Nigeria and when you are helpless you need to go and hide somewhere," added Martins. "I was born in Lagos, I am a Lagosian but when I don't feel safe in my hometown then something must be wrong. "It's a great thing to play for your country, put smiles on the faces of people and also feel safe among your family and fans. "But when the situation gets out of hand, I don't think coming home is something I can contemplate."

My point was that it is just a rumour, and that ironically was printed in the same paper that claimed yesterday that DM didn't have the funds for Jagielka!! Like everyone else I have no real idea how much is available

A story from a while back that has been recycled by the Daily Mirror today, yet coincidently is the very same paper that started the Jagielka/no funds story yesterday!!

After all the hue and cry about the olympic logo, organisers are considering replacing it with this

Usually buy a shirt (Or 2) but have never put a name/number on it, knowing my luck he would be sold in a week if I did! MikeO - Belting shirt mate, might even try for something like that myself

Typical English 40 something male, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank." Amazing, he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes .. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean ....... " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes > > > > > > > > > > > > > > "Don't tell me ….you've got Sky Sports as well ??!! "

I hope he keeps up the same rate of improvement that he has shown already. There will be a No.9 shirt going begging soon, and it won't be U21's caps for him either!

FROM TODAYS DAILY MIRROR............................ Graham Poll has dramatically decided to quit refereeing. His last game will be Portsmouth's Premiership clash with Arsenal on Sunday. Poll will end his career early after becoming fed up with the abuse that goes with being the most controversial and high-profile official in English football. The 43-year-old was publicly ridiculed for his World Cup blunder last summer when he showed three yellow cards to Croatia's Josip Simunic. Referees' chief Keith Hackett tried to persuade Poll to change his mind. But Poll, who could have carried on for at least another six years, would not be swayed and was adamant the match at Fratton Park would be his last at the top level. Poll retired from refereeing in international finals after the gaffe in Germany, which put paid to any chance he had of being awarded the World Cup Final. He was still hoping to be put in charge of this season's Champions League Final, only for that to be scuppered by Liverpool being one of the finalists. He has been involved in controversy this season after sending off Chelsea captain John Terry during their defeat at Tottenham. Chelsea players claimed Poll said they needed to be "taught a lesson" but he was later cleared of any wrongdoing by the Premier League. Nicknamed the Thing From Tring by fans after the Hertfordshire town where he lives, Poll also dismissed Everton's James McFadden in November for allegedly calling him a "cheat" when he waved away a penalty claim for a foul on Andrew Johnson. His latest run-in was with Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho on Wednesday, the pair exchanging angry words during the goalless draw with Manchester United. It is believes there was jealousy and bitterness among his fellow officials who felt Poll received special treatment.

'Tis true, I spoke to him after the game too and had a picture taken with him. When I asked the same question he said I want to.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000", the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it out for you now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man. "Sir, I'm afraid there's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

From Sky Sports News........ Fire in the belly or just a plain thug????

Really nothing more to say than that, he was one of my first idols, I can't believe he has gone, R.I.P. Bally

Just been digging through the club website news archives and found this....... Everton have clinched the signing of goalkeeper Tim Howard on a five-year contract from Manchester United for a fee believed to be in the region of £3million. Howard joined the Merseysiders on loan from the beginning of the season, with his long-term future at Old Trafford very much in doubt. But his form at Goodison Park even prompted United boss Sir Alex Ferguson to discuss bringing the USA international back to the club when his loan ended. However, United have new England international Ben Foster and Polish youngster Tomasz Kuszczak as back-up to Edwin van der Sar, and Howard's future at Old Trafford was clearly limited. Howard's new deal will start from the beginning of next season and run until 2012, with the current loan continuing for the rest of the campaign. Manchester United paid £2.3million for the 27-year-old from New York/New Jersey Metrostars in July 2003, and he played 77 games for them before moving to Goodison last summer. The permanent arrival of Howard also suggests that Richard Wright, the current number two, will be released in the summer. Everton have two highly-promising youngsters as back-up in Iain Turner and John Ruddy. Howard has made 27 appearances for the Toffees, keeping an impressive 11 clean sheets. Howard told evertonTV: "The club share my ambition, that is for sure, the manager does and so do the fans. I was drawn to the club for a number of reasons and the players in the dressing room are one of them." Although the transfer window is currently shut, Premier League rules permit domestic loan deals to be made permanent outside the window. Everton boss David Moyes said: "We are delighted to have signed Tim on a permanent basis. He has come in this season and proved he is a good keeper and we are pleased to have secured him."

Last game for Turner SHEFFIELD Wednesday are to lose star keeper Iain Turner after this Saturday's match against Coventry. Everton are recalling him from his loan because their on-loan Manchester United keeper Tim Howard is barred from playing against the Premiership leaders on April 28. It will mean a chance for Owls No 2 Chris Adamson in the last two games of the season, with youngster Richard O'Donnell probably on the bench. There is no suggestion that Wednesday will bring back Mark Crossley, who was replaced by Turner. Crossley is technically still on loan to the Owls but has been training with Fulham and not playing in matches. Owls boss Brian Laws revealed: "Everton want Iain back after Saturday. "He's been a sensational player for us. If we could have kept him it would have been fantastic. I spoke to David Moyes; Everton will have a keeper problem themselves, and after Iain gone back there, he will not be able to return here this season. "As for next season, we're still trying to get the lad back here. There's a lot of talking to be done. Let's hope he's here next season on loan. "We have three or four other possible targets if that falls down. "We have shown that if you get a quality keeper in, it does win you games. If we get a keeper of Iain's calibre, I think we'll be all right." Everton boss Moyes had already ruled out selling Turner to Wednesday, because the 23-year-old is regarded as having a bright future at Goodison Park.