iggy

Me, main stand

Me too

A blonde was feeling so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Listen, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to the Caribbean in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day". Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added with a wink, "I'll make you happy and you can make me happy." The blonde nodded "Yes" through her tears. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat, along with blankets and food. From then on, every night he brought her sandwiches, water, wine and fruit and they would make mad, passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What the hell are you doing here?" the Captain demanded angrily. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get free food and a trip to the Caribbean. Meanwhile," (she says coyly), "he's taking advantage of me so to speak (wink, wink). "He sure as hell is, lady," the Captain said, "you're on the Mersey ferry".

McLaren quote from his press conference taken from SSN Steve McClaren claims the England door is not closed to David Beckham, but hinted the former captain will struggle to reach the 100-cap mark. Beckham relinquished his role as captain of England after the World Cup finals and McClaren opted to make a clean break by omitting him from his first squad for next week's friendly with Greece. McClaren claims Beckham took the decision well and vowed to fight on, but hinted he may find it hard to regain his place in the fold. "I spoke with David last Monday and notified him of my decision and told him I was planning for the future, looking to change things and looking to go in a different direction and David wasn't included within that," McClaren told Sky Sports News. "David, I have great respect for him. He was a fantastic captain for England, a great player and still is a great player and he took the news very well even though he was disappointed. "I got the reaction which I wanted, which was he will continue to fight for his place. "I will never close the door, it will never be closed and that was the end of the conversation." Beckham has 94 caps to his name and when asked whether the Real Madrid man would get the chance to add to his tally, McClaren added: "At the present moment I am looking to take this team in a different direction. "It is a new beginning, a clean sheet of paper and is why I decided not to pick David Beckham."

Here is McLarens first squad...... Robinson (Tottenham), Kirkland (Liverpool), Foster (Man Utd); Bridge (Chelsea), Brown (Man Utd), Carragher (Liverpool), A Cole (Arsenal), Dawson (Tottenham), Ferdinand (Man Utd), G Neville (Man Utd), P Neville (Everton), Terry (capt, Chelsea), Young (Charlton); Downing (Middlesbrough), Gerrard (Liverpool), Hargreaves (Bayern Munich), Jenas (Tottenham), Lampard (Chelsea), Lennon (Tottenham), Richardson (Man Utd), Wright-Phillips (Chelsea); Ashton (West Ham), Bent (Charlton), Crouch (Liverpool), Defoe (Tottenham).

little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Wayne Rooney is hoping he will be considered the next time the England captain's job comes around. New Three Lions coach Steve McClaren confirmed John Terry's appointment as skipper on Thursday, after previous incumbent David Beckham relinquished the responsibility after the World Cup. Terry edged out Liverpool midfielder Steven Gerrard for the honour and is likely to have many years in the job given he is only 25-years-old. But Manchester United striker Rooney is already looking beyond Terry's tenure as skipper and wants to be in the frame to succeed the Chelsea defender. "Hopefully, in years to come," Rooney told Sky Sports News when asked if he wanted to captain England. "At the end of the day I'm not ready to take that responsibility on yet. "Hopefully, in a few years, when the next captain is named I will be in there with a chance. "I'm loud on the pitch, like a lot of players, but that's just me trying to help and get your team up for the game." Rooney's last appearance for England ended in disappointment when he was sent off for stamping on Ricardo Carvalho during the quarter final exit to Portugal. The 20-year-old was also dismissed in United's friendly against Porto last week and he wonders whether he is being singled out by referees. He added: "Possibly, I am getting picked on. He is surely having a laugh, the petulant, bad tempered bighead has no chance, or does he?

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association. It was great." "Wow! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

Not me mate, but I'm not claiming an exclusive!

HER DIARY: He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a pub for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk a bit more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything, this is really worrying me. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV, and sat with a distant look in his eyes that seemed to say it's all over between us. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, he responded to my advances and we made love. He still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else and that my life is a disaster. HIS DIARY: Blues lost. Got a shag though. __________________

As I like most sports I don't mind a bit of american football, have a soft spot for the Raiders.

(YOU MAY HAVE HEARD THIS BEFORE!) Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered. The second responds "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded". The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order". The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like builders, those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than what you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Liverpool fans are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine. Also, the head and arse are interchangeable."

No season ticket, when I can get up there I usually go main stand towards the Gwladys end

Agreed Fishy, peoples expectations were raised following the 4th place position and now (perhaps) realise that it was essentially a one off. It takes time (Or an Abramovich bankroll) to be able to compete regularly with those at the top of the pile, I have only seen progress since DM took over.

Congratulations mate, didn't do it when I registered either - was 50 on Monday!

No new signings just yet according to DM SIGNINGS NOT IMMINENT David Moyes has revealed that he is not close to adding to his squad. He said he was still looking to bolster the ranks before the August 31 transfer deadline, but that no deal was looming. Moyes said: "I'm still hopeful that we can bring someone in before the deadline but there is nothing imminent. "We are still looking and will continue to do so." The manager also believes his squad's preparations for the forthcoming season are going well. "They are very close to being ready. There are three or four who could do with a few weeks more training but the majority of them are going to be ready to start. "We will train on Saturday. I'm not sure about Sunday yet, we'll get Saturday's session out of the way first. "We are now getting into the final furlong to get ready for the new season."

Sour grapes? Actually he makes some very valid points imo. Leeds United chairman Ken Bates feels hitting Chelsea with financial penalties is a waste of time due to owner Roman Abramovich's huge personal fortune. The former Blues supremo has reported the Premiership champions for allegedly poaching Tom Taiwo and Michael Woods. Bates wants to see the West Londoners punished severely by the authorities, in a similar fashion to the Serie A clubs affected by the recent refereeing scandal in Italy, and is even advocating throwing the capital club out of the UEFA Champions League. "We have considerable and great weight of evidence to demonstrate quite clearly, without a shadow of doubt, that Chelsea behaved consistently aggressively in stealing these two players from Leeds United," stated Bates on Sky Sports News. "It is not a question of punishing Chelsea for this latest breach. It is a question of stopping them doing it in the future. "Because of the financial strength of the owner, financial punishments alone will make no difference to them at all. "If you belong to a league or any competition, or a club or any organisation, there are rules. By continuing in that competition, there is implicit acceptance to play by those rules. If you don't wish to play by those rules and refuse consistently to do so, why should you be allowed to play in these competitions? "We think, therefore, not only a financial punishment should be imposed but other punishments such as deduction of points, banning of registration of new players or suspension from European competitions would be more appropriate. "It would make Mr Abramovich, who is the owner of Chelsea and has the ultimate responsibility, to act to make sure his employees behave in accordance of the rules and regulations of the various competitions Chelsea play in. "It's ironic, in fact, Mr [Peter] Kenyon stated recently they'd reported Real Madrid to Fifa for an alleged illegal approach for one of their players - Arjen Robben. We recognise their right to do that in that case and feel it's also appropriate to report Chelsea to Fifa and Uefa over these two incidents. "Hopefully, any punishments Fifa deem appropriate to Real Madrid will be consistently applied to Chelsea. "I'm encouraged by the fact that the recent scandals in Italy were punished severely by the Italian FA. This should be a good example to our FA to act in similar stern fashion."

The husband had just finished reading a new book : 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN Of YOUR HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my dressing gown. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The bloody funeral director would be my guess."

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war in Iraq. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. 'Billy.' 'And what is your question, Billy? 'I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?' Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. 'Steve' 'And what is your question, Steve?' 'I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the **** happened to Billy?'

Used to play an awful lot, was in a "pro" team for a while and worked on paintball sites at weekends to feed my addiction Played in tournaments and even took part in the world and european championships back in the late eighties / early nineties. Funding was always a problem though so "retired" from the pro scene in the mid nineties. Still play occasionally though, just for a bit of fun.

More on this from the beeb Wembley owner fears further delay Construction of the new Wembley stadium has been dogged by delays The owner of the new Wembley stadium has said it expects its builders to miss their revised September deadline for completing the arena. But Wembley National Stadium Limited said it did expect the much-delayed £757m venue to be finished this year. The north London stadium was due for completion in August 2005, but hold-ups have led to events such as this year's FA Cup Final having to be rescheduled. Construction firm Multiplex said it was sticking to its September deadline. Slanging match Wembley's operator appears to be losing patience with Multiplex, and has refused to guarantee that the venue will even be ready to host the 2007 FA Cup Final. "Whilst the stadium is well on the way to being finished and looks magnificent from the outside, Multiplex still has major items to complete," said Michael Cunnah, WNSL's chief executive. In a statement he said that Multiplex was still installing seats, working on the stadium's roof, repairing the drainage system and installing building management and life safety systems. However, Multiplex is suggesting that WSNL will be to blame if the stadium misses its latest September completion deadline. A spokesperson said that Multiplex still hoped to have "practical completion" by then, but that WNSL had to finish some works for that date to be accurate.

Element : Woman Symbol : Wo Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175. Discoverer : Adam Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations. Physical Properties : a. Surface usually covered with painted film. b. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason. c. Melts if given special treatment. d. Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care! e. Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore. f).Yields to pressure applied to correct points. Chemical Properties : a. Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones. b. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. c. May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates. d. Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point. e. Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense. f. Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man. Uses : a. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. b. Can greatly improve relaxation levels. c. Can warm and comfort under some circumstances. d. Can cool things down when it's too hot. Tests : a. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state. b. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen. Caution : Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or Holiday?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States". He swallowed hard... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish. Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet..... "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "But the O'Malley twins are drunk again."