iggy

God created the mule, and told him, 'You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years.' The mule answered, 'To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.' And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him, 'You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.' And the dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.' And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him, 'You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.' And the monkey responded, 'Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years.' And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, 'You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.' And the man responded, 'Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected.' And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry. Then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. And it is so.

Been in the same boat mate! The father of my 2 grandchildren was just like that (and a firkin Pompey fan to boot) and has now split from my daughter - good riddance - Was informed just a couple of weeks ago that my son & his girlfriend are expecting twins in late October!! Me, I'm still a kid in a middle-aged abused body

Glad you enjoyed yourself, maybe next time!

Generally released July.

NO FIRKIN WAY !!!!

THE FIRST AFFAIR A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house,where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!" THE SECOND AFFAIR There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"! THE THIRD AFFAIR A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwarz is dead!" THE FOURTH AFFAIR A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent" "ONE CENT?" exclaimed the man. The barman replied "Yes". So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly, Sir" replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents" he replied. "FOUR CENTS?" exclaims the man."Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his business!!" THE FIFTH AFFAIR Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky, my darling," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess." "There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's alright, go to sleep." "No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."

Nah, you would have to pay more than that for someone to take it off your hands!

Rugby is my second sport, can happily watch either code but used to play union until a knee injury (medial ligament) forced me to quit some time ago

Welcome aboard

Can't really fault your assessment of the situation mate.

Had the "pleasure"(?) of staying in Bootle for the weekend of the WBA game. Thank god for taxis!

If it's an original shirt you're after, you can usually get them on e-bay

Not seen him play myself but a mate of mine follows the championship very closely and reckons he's easily the best in the division. Got to be better than Weir though, surely?

I'm forever blowing bubbles..........

Can't access "youtube" cos of the damn filters at my workplace Any chance someone can download it and post it from a different source?

The fingers are crossed! If there is one thing we do need it's a goalscorer!!!

Ha ha! Went out in the city on Saturday evening, was woken several times in the night (2 stag and 1 hen party staying in the hotel!) Got pretty wasted on Sunday to be honest, took forever to get out of town on Monday morning, but all in all had a good weekend.

I was impressed with what I saw of Anichebe, reminded me of Sharpy at his best the way he turned and scored!

Killa / Goldfish, missed you both, was in Winslow (Left hand bar) til 15 mins before kick off and upstairs after the match for a couple of hours. Maybe you saw me though? Old git with a signed Cahill shirt on.

Welcome to Blighty! Tried to PM back to you but it won't let me (Says your inbox may be full) Am arriving in 'pool tomorrow afternoon, will give you call. Intend getting in the Winslow fairly early on Sunday cos it gets firkin packed!

Thanks for all the suggestions people, it's certainly given me some options to consider. Anyone in the Winslow pre-match on Sunday?

Smart casual - no trainers Thats off the official site.

Cheers Mikeo, been told Hope Street or Chinatown already, I am hoping for some more specific tips, particularly on a good alehouse or three!!

I am not from Liverpool and have never stayed overnight before, always gone straight back home (Surrey) after the games, but as I persuaded my missus to attend her first ever match on Sunday I thought it would be a good idea to make a weekend of it. Managed to get 2 nights at the Regent Maritime and what I need are (sensible) recommendations for places to eat and/or have a bevvy in the city centre. Wilmslow pre and post match is of course obligatory!!