Jokes thread

[MikeO]

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

 

The maximum penalty for bigamy is two mother-in-laws.

[Matt]

 

That's a neg :Red card:.

rescinded after careful consideration.

[MikeO]

rescinded after careful consideration.

 

Soft touch.

[marcopaulo]

I don't get it

[Sibdane]

rescinded after careful consideration.

 

As the third member of the review panel, I rescind your rescission.

[Cornish Steve]

 

The maximum penalty for bigamy is two mother-in-laws.

 

Only two?

[Lowensda]

How has that been negged at all?

 

You're all bar stewards.

[Cornish Steve]

There was this transfer window, and a number of impressive names were being bandied about...

[marcopaulo]

How has that been negged at all?

 

You're all bar stewards.

 

To piss you off cos you actually care

[Lowensda]

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

[rubecula]

brilliantly simple but effective ..... sort like the admin eh?

[Lowensda]

[Matt]

I met a girl with 12 nipples

Sounds funny

Dozen tit

[johnh]

I met a girl with 12 nipples

Sounds funny

Dozen tit

 

Good to see you are keeping abreast of schoolboy humour.

[rubecula]

Made a bit of a boob telling us that

[markjazzbassist]

Really milking those puns

[Matt]

I hope I've got a good enough mammary for all these puns!

[marcopaulo]

Lukaku

[rubecula]

Lukaku

No need to get nasty :shaking fist:

[marcopaulo]

Every time I see a pun I'm gonna litter the forum with lukaku posts

 

[MikeO]

Every time I see a pun I'm gonna litter the forum with lukaku posts

 

 

The reason behind your pogrom eludes me.

[marcopaulo]

I'll pogrom you! :shaking fist:

[rubecula]

I call my pet moggie Trex.

 

Why?

 

Cos it is a cooking fat

[johnh]

Reminds me of the dyslexic cat owner who had a flat cap installed.

[rubecula]

Wanted to mention some of these but easier to post this enjoy.

 

[rubecula]

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk

[marcopaulo]

You utter bastard

[rubecula]

You utter bastard

you know me so well

[MikeO]

That is what is known (or was when I was younger) as a "shaggy dog story" rather than a joke.

 

I know one, also about monks/monastery strangely, which is about five times as long as that that I used to love telling. Next time I have three hours to spare I'll post it .

[Lowensda]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,

“My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monk graciously accepts him, feeds him dinner, and even fixes his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,

“We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monk accepts him, feeds him, and even fixes his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply,

“We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monk reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task.

Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”

The monk reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monk leads the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,

“The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says,

“Real funny. May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say,

“This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

 

 

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk

 

You stealing my material now? Jesus. Only 1 page ago.