Cornish Steve Posted January 29, 2015 Report Share Posted January 29, 2015 We had a power cut today. Couldn't do anything on my lap-top, TV didn't work, didn't fancy going to golf as it was pouring down with rain. Went to the kitchen to make a coffee kettle didn't work. Chatted to the wife for a couple of hours and she seems quite a nice person. Think I might tell this joke to the wife. PS - followed through on that. Does anyone have a place to say for a few weeks? rubecula, Matt and MikeO 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted January 31, 2015 Report Share Posted January 31, 2015 (edited) Think I might tell this joke to the wife. PS - followed through on that. Does anyone have a place to say for a few weeks? You can use mine until I get out of hospital for trying the same thing LOL Edited January 31, 2015 by Rubecula Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Posted February 17, 2015 Report Share Posted February 17, 2015 Heres a few quickies Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production ofHumus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed.The police are blaming AL IKEA .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Police stop a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway.Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?"The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that........3 of you have got to get out!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them.."Bollocks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to vacuum the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just a reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last year's riots. Your one year manufacturer's warranty runs out soon.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.Both in hospital...... One's in a Korma....... The other's got a dodgy Tikka!------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sailing results are in: USA took gold, GB took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth .--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making land mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof !-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An elderly couple are in church. About halfway through the service, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid. rubecula 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted February 17, 2015 Report Share Posted February 17, 2015 rofl Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted February 19, 2015 Report Share Posted February 19, 2015 A florist went for a haircut, when he asked for the bill the barber said 'there is no charge, I am doing community service so I am doing haircuts for free. Next day when the barber arrived at his shop there was a 'thank you' note and a dozen red roses. The next day, a policeman went in for a haircut and when he asked for the bill the barber said 'there is no charge, I am doing community service so I am doing haircuts for free'. Next day when the barber arrived at his shop there was a 'thank you' note and a pack of jam doughnuts. The next day an MP went for a haircut and when he asked for his bill the barber said 'there is no charge, I am doing community service so I am doing haircuts for free'. The next day when the barber arrived at his shop there were a dozen MP's queueing for their free haircut. That is the fundamental difference between the citizens' of this country and those who run it. :shaking fist: rubecula and Matt 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted March 25, 2015 Report Share Posted March 25, 2015 Two policemen radio back to base that they have found a woman who shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped. The desk sergeant asks them if they've arrested her. 'No' says the policeman. 'Why not' says the desk sergeant. 'The floors still wet' says the policeman. Howardshands and Matt 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted March 25, 2015 Report Share Posted March 25, 2015 Two policemen radio back to base that they have found a woman who shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped. The desk sergeant asks them if they've arrested her. 'No' says the policeman. 'Why not' says the desk sergeant. 'The floors still wet' says the policeman. Made my wife laugh a lot that one; I told her it sounded like her . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted March 25, 2015 Report Share Posted March 25, 2015 Made my wife laugh a lot that one; I told her it sounded like her . Mike, that's a coincidence, my wife told it to me - it was advice not a joke! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted April 9, 2015 Report Share Posted April 9, 2015 The British Army in the African jungle 1920's. The Colonel in charge is going back to the UK and his replacement arrives. They have their gin and tonics and cucumber sandwiches and the Colonel calls for his adjutant, Captain Smithers. In comes Smithers who is three feet tall, hunch back, no teeth, bald and with a withered arm. The Colonel says 'Smithers, tell the new CO about yourself'. Smithers says 'I finished top of my intake at Sandhurst, won the MC on the Somme, was mentioned in dispatches five times....... 'No' said the Colonel, 'the new CO can read all that in your records, I mean tell him about the time you told the witch doctor to f*** off'. rubecula 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted May 15, 2015 Report Share Posted May 15, 2015 (edited) Two old dears in their eighties sat outside the pearly gates. Lady 1 says to Lady 2 'what did you die from?' Lady 2 says 'I froze to death'. Lady 1 says 'that must have been terrible'. 'Not really' says Lady 2 'Once I had stopped shivering I became all drowsy and warm until I died'. What did you die from?' Lady 1 says 'I suspected my husband was having an affair so I went home unexpectedly and found him watching TV. I raced upstairs and searched all over, in wardrobes, under the beds everywhere. I raced downstairs to check there and that's when I had my heart attack'. Lady 2 says 'If you'd checked the freezer first we might still be alive'. Edited May 15, 2015 by johnh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted May 19, 2015 Report Share Posted May 19, 2015 Lao-Tzu the Philosopher said: If you see a mosquito land on your testicles, you realise that problems can be solved without resorting to violence. Matt, Sibdane and rubecula 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted June 4, 2015 Report Share Posted June 4, 2015 Most of my relatives were police marksmen, apart from grandad who was a bank robber. He died with his family around him. Took a urine test at hospital today. This kleptomania is getting out of hand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted June 10, 2015 Report Share Posted June 10, 2015 Menu for Irish 5 course meal. - Four pints of Guinness - One baked potato (Seriously, that beats a lot of quality restaurants I've been in!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted June 10, 2015 Report Share Posted June 10, 2015 Not very PC to tell Irish jokes but what the hell, Ian's never around any more . My favourite:- Irish lad catches a leprechaun so is granted his three wishes; after a moment's thought he says, "I'll have a never ending pint of Guinness!" Pint appears in front of him and he necks it, puts it down and lo and behold it slowly fills itself up again. "What are your other wishes?" asks the leprechaun; and Paddy, after a minutes deep thought says, "I'll have another two of those." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lowensda Posted June 11, 2015 Report Share Posted June 11, 2015 Not very PC to tell Irish jokes but what the hell, Ian's never around any more . My favourite:- Irish lad catches a leprechaun so is granted his three wishes; after a moment's thought he says, "I'll have a never ending pint of Guinness!" Pint appears in front of him and he necks it, puts it down and lo and behold it slowly fills itself up again. "What are your other wishes?" asks the leprechaun; and Paddy, after a minutes deep thought says, "I'll have another two of those." That's only one wish. Where's the rest.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted June 16, 2015 Report Share Posted June 16, 2015 An old manual has been found at the back of a cupboard in a Dublin second-hand book shop. The title is: IRISH DANCING Volume 2. WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR ARMS AND HANDS. Sibdane 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted July 13, 2015 Report Share Posted July 13, 2015 The traditional name for the game 'knocking on doors and running away' is 'knock down ginger'. The modern name is 'Parcelforce'. rubecula 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cornish Steve Posted September 25, 2015 Report Share Posted September 25, 2015 Stopped by the gym this morning to pay my monthly dues. I was only there two minutes, but, when I came outside, a police officer was writing a parking ticket. "Come on, mate. Gimme a break." Talk about no humour. The officer carried on writing the ticket and ignored me. "You bloody nazi." I don't think he liked that because he wrote up a ticket for the bald tyres. This made me more than a little emotional. "You're single, right? Can't imagine any woman marrying a miserable sod like you." Now he wrote up the broken tail-light. "You don't care, do you, you ugly git." Now he notices the car is parked too close to a fire hydrant and writes another ticket. Anyway, I'd had enough fun for one day and walked the 200 yards home. I always enjoy spotting a car with a "Vote Tory" sticker on the back. rubecula and MikeO 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted September 25, 2015 Report Share Posted September 25, 2015 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted October 3, 2015 Report Share Posted October 3, 2015 This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!% !@*!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A- ... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted October 4, 2015 Report Share Posted October 4, 2015 On the offchance you are thinking of joining the Army - a few tips from someone who has been there. * If the enemy is in range - so are you. * Tracers work both ways. * 5 second fuses in handgrenades last 3 seconds. * If you see a bomb disposal man running - try and keep up with him. * Everyone is a mine detector - once. * Never trade luck for skill. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted October 5, 2015 Report Share Posted October 5, 2015 An England shirt was found on Wimbledon common wrapped in a Tesco bag ... bloody idiots, don't they know those bags cost 5p Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted October 6, 2015 Report Share Posted October 6, 2015 A reporter asks an Everton fan where he thinks Everton will be in five years time. 'You would need 2020 vision to know that' says the Everton fan. rubecula and Matt 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cornish Steve Posted October 16, 2015 Report Share Posted October 16, 2015 An Englishman walks into a bar. Usually, there's a Welshman, Scotsman, or Irishman there too, but they're all at the Rugby World Cup. rubecula, Matt and markjazzbassist 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted November 10, 2015 Report Share Posted November 10, 2015 Q: How do you think the unthinkable? A: Crash into an itheberg. rubecula, Lowensda and Matt 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cornish Steve Posted May 7, 2016 Report Share Posted May 7, 2016 Cornwall's take on highly paid footballers... rubecula 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted May 8, 2016 Report Share Posted May 8, 2016 (edited) The only David Beckham related joke I know is: Why do people criticise David Beckham for being thick? No one criticises Stephen Hawking for being no good at football. Edited May 8, 2016 by johnh Matt 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted May 15, 2016 Report Share Posted May 15, 2016 Does anyone know how long you have to boil those 'fish in a bag' that you get at funfairs? Matt and rubecula 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted June 1, 2016 Report Share Posted June 1, 2016 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted June 1, 2016 Report Share Posted June 1, 2016 Matt, I posted that (minus picture) on 25 March last year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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