Jokes thread

[rubecula]

On ‎02‎/‎11‎/‎2018 at 09:25, Matt said:

How many grammar nazis does it take to change a lightbulb?

too. 

or if they are Londoners …  free?

[johnh]

Bloke picks up a hitch-hiker.  After a few minutes the hitch-hiker says 'do you think its risky picking up a hitch-hiker, I could be a serial killer?'  The bloke says 'No, the odds on there being two serial killers in my car at the same time are astronomical.'

[rubecula]

 

 

 

Extracts from court proceedings while these exchanges were actually taking place:

q: : How far from the accident were you when it happened?
a: : He replied "36 feet, 2 and a quarter inches"
q: : Nonsense how can you be so precise?
a: : Well I knew some bloody fool would ask me so I measured it.

q: : What is your date of birth?
a: : July fifteenth.
q: : What year?
a: : Every year.

q: : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
a: : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

q: : This myasthenia gravis... Does it affect your memory at all?
a: : Yes.
q: : And in what ways does it affect your memory?
a: : I forget.
q: : You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

q: : what was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
a: : he said, "where am i, doris?"
q: : and why did that upset you?
a: : my name is susan.

q: : she had three children, right?
a: : yes.
q: : how many were boys?
a: : none.
q: : were there any girls?

q: :Are you sexually active?
a: :No. I just lie there.

q: :could you see him from where you were standing?
a: :I could see his head.
q: :and where was his head?
a: :just above his shoulders.

q: :any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
a: :the victim lived.

q: : how was your first marriage terminated?
a: : by death.
q: : and by whose death was it terminated?

q: : now doctor, isn'tt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
a: : did you actually pass the bar exam?

q: : the youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

q: : How old is your son - the one living with you.
a: : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
q: : How long has he lived with you?
a: : Forty-five years.

q: : And where was the location of the accident?
a: : Approximately milepost 499.
q: : And where is milepost 499?
a: : Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

q: : Do you know if your daughter has ever been involvedin voodoo or the occult?
a: : We both do.
q: : Voodoo?
a: : We do.
q: : You do?
a: : Yes, voodoo.

q: : Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
a: : Yes.
q: : Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
a: : Yes, sir.
q: : What did she say?
a: : What disco am I at?

q: : I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
a: : That's me.
q: : Were you present when that picture was taken?

q: : Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

q: : Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
a: : I'll be three months on November 8.
q: : Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
a: : Yes.
q: : What were you doing at that time?

q: : How many times have you committed suicide?
a: : Four times.

q: : Did he kill you?

q: : You don't know what it was and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

q: : Have you lived in this town all your life?
a: : Not yet.

q: : How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

q: : You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

q: : Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
a: : I refuse to answer that question.
q: : Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
a: : I refuse to answer that question.
q: : Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
a: : No.

q: : Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
a: : No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

q: : Were you acquainted with the deceased?
a: : Yes sir.
q: : Before or after he died?

q: : How many times have you committed suicide?

q: : And you check your radar unit frequently?
a: : Officer: "Yes, I do."
q: : And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?
a: : Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.

q: : Lawyer: "What happened then?
a: : He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
q: : Did he kill you?
a: : Witness: "No.

q: : Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--
q: : Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.

q: : You were there until the time you left, is that true?

q: : So you were gone until you returned?

q: : So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
a: : Yes.
q: : And what were you doing at that time?

q: : You say the stairs went down to the basement?
a: : Yes.
q: : And these stairs, did they go up also?

q: : Can you describe the individual?
a: : He was about medium height and had a beard.
q: : Was this a male, or a female?

q: : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
a: : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

q: : Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
a: : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

q: : All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
a: : Oral.

q: : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
a: : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
q: : And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
a: : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
q: : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
a: : No.
q: : Did you check for blood pressure?
a: : No.
q: : Did you check for breathing?
a: : No.
q: : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
a: : No.
q: : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
a: : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
q: : But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
a: : It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

q: : You were not shot in the fracas?
a: : No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

q: : What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
a: : There were traces of semen.
q: : Male semen?
a: : That's the only kind I know of.

q: : So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it,what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
a: : I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
q: : It was covered?
a: : Yes. Bandaged.
q: : Then, later on, what did you see?
a: : I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

q: : Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
a: : "I swear by Almighty God."
q: : "That the evidence that I give..."
a: : That's right.
q: : Repeat it.
a: : "Repeat it".
q: : No! Repeat what I said.
a: : What you said when?
q: : "That the evidence that I give..."
a: : "That the evidence that I give."
q: : "Shall be the truth and..."
a: : It will, and nothing but the truth!
q: : Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
a: : I'm not a scholar, you know.
q: : We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
a: : "Shall be the truth and."
q: : Say: "Nothing...".
a: : Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
q: : No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
a: : Yes.
q: : Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
a: : Yes.
q: : Well? Do so.
a: : You're confusing me.
q: : Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
a: : Okay. I understand.
q: : Then say it.
a: : What?
q: : "Nothing but the truth..."
a: : But I do! That's just it.
q: : You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
a: : I WILL say nothing but the truth!
q: : Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
a: : What? You mean, like, now?
q: : Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
a: : "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
q: : Thank you.
a: : I'm just not a scholar.

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed.
q: : How far away he was from the accident.
a: : The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."
q: : What? How come you are so sure of that distance?
a: : Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!

q: : On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
a: : I did.
q: : And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
a: : I did.
q: : And did you observe anything?
a: : I did. (Witness remains silent.)
q: : Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
a: : I saw George.
q: : You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
a: : Yes.
q: : Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
a: : Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
q: : Well, would you kindly do so?
a: : He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
q: : His "thing"?
a: : You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
q: : You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
a: : Yes.
q: : Did you say anything to him?
a: : Of course I did!
q: : What did you say to him?
a: : "Morning, George

[Aidan]

Everton.

[Matt]

https://m.9gag.com/gag/amBo2wX?ref=fbp

Cannot get enough of the responses on here 

[johnh]

34 minutes ago, Matt said:

https://m.9gag.com/gag/amBo2wX?ref=fbp

Cannot get enough of the responses on here 

I like the one from the Mother who threatened her son that she would get 'Carol' round to cook his dinner if he didn't eat what she'd cooked.

[MikeO]

3 hours ago, Matt said:

https://m.9gag.com/gag/amBo2wX?ref=fbp

Cannot get enough of the responses on here 

 

2 hours ago, johnh said:

I like the one from the Mother who threatened her son that she would get 'Carol' round to cook his dinner if he didn't eat what she'd cooked.

This made me laugh, undercooking bacon should added as the eighth deadly sin!

 

[Finn balor]

I saw an old school mate outside the hospital yesterday. He was upset and crying I asked him what was wrong? I’ve just been told I’ve got the “big C” he says, fuck me cancer? No. Dyslexia! 

[Palfy]

I was in bed with the wife last night when she said I know your an Evertonian but I want to have sex like a Liverpool supporter, I said how do we do that she replied I stay on top for a long time and come second. 

[johnh]

Couple returned from holiday in Spain.  Wife was disappointed because all the food was English and everyone spoke English.  She said, 'next time we go on holiday I want to go somewhere where the food is crap and you can't understand what people say'.  Husband has booked a fortnight in Scotland.

[rubecula]

On 18/06/2019 at 11:24, johnh said:

Couple returned from holiday in Spain.  Wife was disappointed because all the food was English and everyone spoke English.  She said, 'next time we go on holiday I want to go somewhere where the food is crap and you can't understand what people say'.  Husband has booked a game in Anfield

fixed it for you John  lol

[pete0]

https://mobile.twitter.com/Dadsaysjokes/status/1163102510309171201

[MikeO]

13 hours ago, pete0 said:

https://mobile.twitter.com/Dadsaysjokes/status/1163102510309171201

Some very good ones on that feed!

 

Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you."

She asked: “Is that you or the beer talking?” 

I said: “It’s just me talking to the beer.”

 

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film.

Our dates can be summarised as follows: dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner Batman.

 

I’ve started growing herbs in my garden. 

To help identify them I’m growing them in alphabetical order. 

My neighbour asked me, “how do you find the time?” 

I said: “Easy, it’s right here next to the sage.”

 

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.  

The wife asks: “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”

He said: “They had avocados.”

[rubecula]

great post mike  lol lol lol

 

[Sibdane]

On ‎19‎/‎08‎/‎2019 at 06:42, MikeO said:

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film.

Our dates can be summarised as follows: dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner Batman.

This man right here officer.

[johnh]

Her indoors said she wants some peace and quiet while she's cooking, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

[johnh]

They said I would never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic, but I've proved them wrong and made some lovely vases and jugs.

[johnh]

My mate came running out of the room, tears streaming down his face and shouting 'it's a boy, it's a boy.   That was 10 years ago and we haven't had a holiday in Thailand since.

[johnh]

Passed a guy in the street with a sign 'Falkland's veteran'.  Gave him a tenner and he said 'Gracias senor'.

[johnh]

 

Marriage guidance counsellor says to his client 'your wife says you never buy her flowers'.  Client says 'didn't know she sold flowers'.

[johnh]

Just booked a table for Valentine's night.  Don't know what her indoors will say as she has never played snooker before.

[johnh]

Just had a crap and noticed that the toilet roll had run out.  Had to do that embarrassing shuffle with trousers round your ankles to get some more. Unfortunately, they haven't got any in Tesco's, does anyone want anything fetching while I'm here?

[MikeO]

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.

About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the f*ck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

[johnh]

I never thought I'd see the day when the wheelie bin went out more than me.

[MikeO]

A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Magic beer,” he says.

“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”

Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.

“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground.

The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

[Palfy]

My wife as sorted her wardrobe out and told me she is going to donate her clothes to the starving, I told her anyone who can fit into your clothes is most definitely not starving. 

[MikeO]

[pete0]

[Palfy]

Who can drink 5 litres of petrol 

Jerry can 

[Matt]

2 hours ago, Palfy said:

Who can drink 5 litres of petrol 

Jerry can