Jokes thread

[johnh]

Man phoned work to say he had a problem and would be late in.  'What problem' they asked.  He said 'my wife reversed the car out of the garage'.  'Why is that a problem' says work.

'I reversed it in' says the guy.

[johnh]

Conjunctivitis.com -   a site for sore eyes.

[rubecula]

these guys specialise in WOOD 

http://www.penisland.net/

[MikeO]

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

[MikeO]

It was a time of cost cutting, & every Govt. Dept. had been told to scale back the overheads. 

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
Oh Man!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Chief calmly replied... "Vietnam."

[rubecula]

 

[MikeO]

[MikeO]

[rubecula]

 

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary

 

 Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!% !@*!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A- ... that hurt like hell!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock...

 

[johnh]

Boots the Chemist are offering limited edition tampons with tinsel instead of string 'tail'.  They are only available for the Christmas period.

[rubecula]

1 hour ago, johnh said:

Boots the Chemist are offering limited edition tampons with tinsel instead of string 'tail'.  They are only available for the Christmas period.

ffs  I was sipping a rather nice whiskey when I read that, I nearly choked 

[johnh]

When asked her views on Carillion, Diane Abbott said 'is that more or less than a thousand'.

[Matt]

1 hour ago, johnh said:

When asked her views on Carillion, Diane Abbott said 'is that more or less than a thousand'.

She should've called George Osborne, he's good at making up numbers

[johnh]

5 minutes ago, Matt said:

She should've called George Osborne, he's good at making up numbers

Osborne's gone,  Abbott is still there.

[Matt]

2 minutes ago, johnh said:

Osborne's gone,  Abbott is still there.

Was just making a joke on his atrocious record of budget "management" John

[Palfy]

A man went to the doctors and said every time I wank I can't stop singing Liverpool Liverpool Liverpool, the doctor replied most wankers do.

[Palfy]

Man takes wife to a disco. There's a bloke on the dance floor giving it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says see that guy 25 years ago proposed to me and I turned him down. Husband says looks like he's still fucking celebrating.

[johnh]

In the 1940's my mother would send me to the shops with a ten  bob note and I would come back with 2 loaves, 3 bottles of milk,  a dozen eggs, block of butter, block of cheese, 12 rashers of bacon.  You can't do that these days  -   too many bloody security cameras.

[johnh]

Her indoors  is a Yorkshire lass  noted for being very careful with their money.  She has never been on a plane, adamantly refuses to fly.  She says 'if God had meant us to fly he'd have given us tickets.'

[Sir McGiven]

7 minutes ago, johnh said:

Her indoors  is a Yorkshire lass  noted for being very careful with their money.  She has never been on a plane, adamantly refuses to fly.  She says 'if God had meant us to fly he'd have given us tickets.'

It would be great. More pray more miles, convert your Economy to Business Class

[MikeO]

[Bill]

British confectionery

Only the British will get this one!...........................

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street .

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip started to itch.

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts

[MikeO]

Some brilliant stuff in here...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/4zPVvmSPfsPMV3TjkHg16sD/50-hilarious-cuttings-from-the-news-quiz?intc_type=promo&intc_location=sport&intc_campaign=radio4_cuttings&intc_linkname=radio4_sm_mid_c3

I particularly like...

"A couple from South Wales have appeared at Hammersmith Magistrates Court after being captured on CCTV having sex in public at the Westfield Shopping Centre. The magistrate said that the couple would now be temporarily excluded from coming within the M25."

[holystove]

 

[johnh]

Excellent Holy,  I've pinched that.

[rubecula]

not bad  but I wish I had seen this post before I duplicated it in the Kopite thread

[rubecula]

Theresa May was walking beside the river in London and fell in and started to drown.Two boys passing, jumped off their bikes, dived in and pulled her out, saving her life. Theresa. was so grateful,she thanked them and offered to buy them a present as a reward.
What can I get you?she asked one boy.
Well, my bikes old a new bike would be nice
I certainly will get you one.and what about you? She asked the other boy.
I'd like a State funeral. He exclaimed.
A State funeral? Why? You have a good healthy young body.
Because when my Dad finds out I saved your life, he'll fuckin kill me !!!!

[MikeO]

Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke, he asks the other guy if he has a lighter and he replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter. Surprised the guy asks, "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." 

The first man asks, "Can I make a wish? 

"Sure" says the other man. "just make sure that you speak clearly because he's a little hard of hearing." 

"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants. The man says "I want a Million Bucks." 

The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and ten seconds later a million ducks fly overhead!

And the guy says to the other "Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?"

[rubecula]

A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ...that phrase... in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

 

 

[Matt]

How many grammar nazis does it take to change a lightbulb?

too.