Palfy Posted August 27, 2020 Report Share Posted August 27, 2020 Isn’t strange how hot sexy women always seem to drive cute small cars, which reminds me I have to tax the wife’s transit. Matt 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted September 6, 2020 Report Share Posted September 6, 2020 Apparently calling your dog “Shark” and taking it to the beach is a bad idea... Palfy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted February 4, 2021 Report Share Posted February 4, 2021 A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow Airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, “Business trip or holiday?” She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?” “Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish” Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, “I really shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name.” “Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos. But my friends call me Paddy." Palfy and Matt 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Palfy Posted February 9, 2021 Report Share Posted February 9, 2021 Two married women go on a girls night out on the walk back home they get caught short and jump in the cemetery for a pee, one wipes herself with her knickers the other uses a wreath. The next morning one husband rings the other to say that’s it no more girls nights out for my missus she’s come home minus her knickers, the other says you think that’s bad mine come home with a card up her crack saying thanks for the good times from all the lads at the fire station. Zoo 2.0, MikeO, pete0 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted March 21, 2021 Report Share Posted March 21, 2021 Several Sheffield United players are in trouble over the Census form. Apparently, they declared themselves as 'footballers'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Palfy Posted March 28, 2021 Report Share Posted March 28, 2021 Paddy goes on a first aid course, the instructor asks, “what would you do if your child swallowed the front door key?” Paddy said, “climb through the window!!” Matt 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted April 1, 2021 Report Share Posted April 1, 2021 Ghoat, Matt and Palfy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Palfy Posted May 30, 2021 Report Share Posted May 30, 2021 A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door, before I had a chance to speak he tipped a bucket of dog shit on my carpet, boasting that what ever this vacuum couldn’t pickup he would personally eat himself, I said I hope you’re hungry I had my electric cut off yesterday. Matt 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted August 1, 2021 Report Share Posted August 1, 2021 My calculator is knackered. The x key doesn't work. Times are hard. pete0, Palfy, Matt and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Posted August 10, 2021 Report Share Posted August 10, 2021 Just little story about Sweets and Chocolate. Palfy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Palfy Posted August 10, 2021 Report Share Posted August 10, 2021 39 minutes ago, Bill said: Just little story about Sweets and Chocolate. How sweet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shukes Posted September 8, 2021 Report Share Posted September 8, 2021 Palfy, PeteO and Gana walked into a bar…. To meet up with Haf and Lukaku! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted September 21, 2021 Report Share Posted September 21, 2021 https://the-toast.net/2014/05/27/ayn-rands-harry-potter-sorcerers-stone/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted October 4, 2021 Report Share Posted October 4, 2021 Small ruckus in our local supermarket over loo rolls. One guy had to go to A&E with a soft tissue injury. Matt 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted October 4, 2021 Report Share Posted October 4, 2021 Statisticians have calculated that by 2035 one in three adults in England will have managed Watford. Matt 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Posted November 23, 2021 Report Share Posted November 23, 2021 Cornish Steve, Matt and Palfy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted December 4, 2021 Report Share Posted December 4, 2021 Went in second-hand furniture store. They had a coffee table with a label 'Van Gogh coffee table'. I asked the shopkeeper why it was called that. He said 'it's got a bit of veneer missing'. Palfy, Cornish Steve, Matt and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Posted December 4, 2021 Report Share Posted December 4, 2021 That's a cracker John, love it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted January 11, 2022 Report Share Posted January 11, 2022 Went to see a Psychic. Knocked on the door and a voice called out 'who is it?' Went home. Matt 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zoo 2.0 Posted February 28, 2022 Report Share Posted February 28, 2022 Mexican bloke just came to the door and said he could do a magic track. Counted "Un...Dos...Poof" Disappeared without a tres. Sibdane, MikeO and Matt 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted March 8, 2022 Report Share Posted March 8, 2022 Had a weird day today. Found a hatful of money and got chased by a guy with a guitar. Bailey, Palfy and Matt 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted April 14, 2022 Report Share Posted April 14, 2022 Think I may have posted this before but it is the 40th anniversary of the Falklands war. Walking through town centre, saw a guy in shop doorway with sign 'Falklands Veteran'. Gave him 20 quid. He said 'Gracias Senor'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post johnh Posted May 14, 2022 Popular Post Report Share Posted May 14, 2022 What three words do you say to someone struggling with grammar? There, their, they're. Heath, Matt, Hafnia and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hafnia Posted May 14, 2022 Report Share Posted May 14, 2022 2 hours ago, johnh said: What three words do you say to someone struggling with grammar? There, their, they're. Love that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted May 14, 2022 Report Share Posted May 14, 2022 1 hour ago, Hafnia said: Love that. Me to two too. Heath, Matt and Hafnia 1 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hafnia Posted May 14, 2022 Report Share Posted May 14, 2022 1 minute ago, MikeO said: Me to two too. Wear did you get you’re sense of humour from? MikeO and Matt 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cornish Steve Posted June 7, 2022 Report Share Posted June 7, 2022 On 14/05/2022 at 08:34, johnh said: What three words do you say to someone struggling with grammar? There, their, they're. And for those who struggle with pronunciation? I'd have thought it tough to cough through enough dough on the bough, though. Matt and MikeO 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cornish Steve Posted July 26, 2023 Report Share Posted July 26, 2023 This showed up on my feed today, and I did find it rather amusing... A police officer pulled over a speeding car. The officer approached the driver and said, " Our patrol helicopter clocked you doing 80 mph. sir." The driver sighed and replied, "You must be mistaken, officer. I assure you that my vehicle was on cruise control at 60. Maybe your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting, the man's wife interrupted sweetly: "Now don't be silly, dear. You know this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer wrote out the ticket, the driver looked across to his wife and growled, "Can't you, just for once, keep your mouth shut?" The wife smiled demurely and commented, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer made out the second ticket, this time for illegal use of a radar detector, the man glowered at his wife and barked, "Dammit, woman. Just keep you trap shut." The officer frowned: "Sir, I see you're not wearing your seat belt. That, too, is an automatic fine." The driver explained, "Actually, I was wearing my seatbelt, but I took it off when you pulled me over so I could get my license out of my back pocket." His wife immediately corrected him: "Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." As the police officer wrote out a third ticket, the driver, visibly angry, turned to his wife and snapped, "Why don't you just shut the hell up?" The officer looked over at the woman and asked, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, ma'am?" She smiled at him and answered: "Oh, good heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking." Palfy, Matt and Bailey 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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