Matt Posted February 18, 2014 Report Share Posted February 18, 2014 stealing that John Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted February 25, 2014 Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 Gamekeeper having a piss in the woods when his shotgun went off accidentally. After his operation in hospital the surgeon says 'we got all the buckshot out but its left you with holes in your willy, I will refer you to my sister'. The gamekeeper asks if his sister is a plastic surgeon and the surgeon says 'no, she plays flute in the orchestra and she will teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss all over the bathroom.' Bailey and rubecula 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ant1979 Posted February 26, 2014 Report Share Posted February 26, 2014 Two scarecrows standing in a field. One turns to the other and says... 'Can you smell carrots?' rubecula 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cornish Steve Posted February 27, 2014 Report Share Posted February 27, 2014 (edited) My cousin used to go ferreting. Having caught a few rabbits, he'd hang them up in the front room. After a few days, my aunt would get very upset: " 'ere, buhy. Can 'e stop yer bleddy rabbits from smellin'?" At that point, my cousin would cut off their noses. Edited March 1, 2014 by Cornish Steve Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MC11 Posted March 7, 2014 Report Share Posted March 7, 2014 Scotsman puts on his coat and hat to go to the pub. He says to his missus 'put your hat and coat on'. she says 'its ages since you took me to the pub'. He says ' I'm not taking you to the pub, I'm putting the heating off while I'm out'. That's a joke from the royal family sitcom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcopaulo Posted March 8, 2014 Report Share Posted March 8, 2014 went to the library and asked for a book on suicide. librarian said "fuck off, you won't bring it back!" Matt and MC11 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NyarkosLeftToe Posted March 10, 2014 Report Share Posted March 10, 2014 What's the difference between an Apple and your mum? Your mum's a cunt. MC11 and Bailey 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mogsy Posted March 10, 2014 Report Share Posted March 10, 2014 A mother is making a cake for her three sons when she accidentaly dropps some BB pellets from the shelf into the batter. She decides that it won't matter and continues to make the cake. Later that day, her sons eat the cake and don't even notice the BBs. The next day, when the mother is reading a magazine on the couch, one of her sons runs in saying, ''Mom, mom, I pissed out a beebee!'' She says ''That's okay, son. I accidentaly dropped some beebees into the cake batter. You'll be fine.'' Five minutes later, one of the other sons, come running in and he says, ''Mom, mom, I-'' but the mother cuts him off and she says, ''I know, I know, you pissed out a beebee. I dropped it into the cake batter, but you'll be fine.'' Then her last son runs in the room, and he says, ''Mom, mom, I-'' and the mother cuts him off and says, ''I know, I know, you pissed out a beebee. It's my fault for dropping it in the cake batter, but you'll be fine.'' But then son says, ''No, no, I was masturbating and I shot the dog!" Matt, Bailey and marcus jones 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post johnh Posted March 19, 2014 Popular Post Report Share Posted March 19, 2014 Everton supporter talking to his mate. 'You won't believe what happened to me last night, my daughter walked into the house and said Dad, cancel my allowance, forget my college tuition fees. Rent my room out, sell my TV and laptop, sell my car, throw me out of the house and write me out of your will.' 'Blimey' his mate said 'she actually said that'? 'Well, not in so many words, she actually said Dad, meet my new boyfriend he's a Liverpool supporter and he's going to get both of us season tickets at Anfield. GoodisonRoad, marcopaulo, marcus jones and 3 others 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted March 19, 2014 Report Share Posted March 19, 2014 I am crying with laughing here Johnh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted March 21, 2014 Report Share Posted March 21, 2014 A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean; but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain, during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ." "I see," the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." Sibdane, Bailey, rubecula and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted March 21, 2014 Report Share Posted March 21, 2014 not a big fan of the new pound coin. But then I've never really liked change... rubecula, Ant1979 and marcus jones 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gethinO Posted March 23, 2014 Report Share Posted March 23, 2014 A very drunk man went on a bus one afternoon. The bus was pretty full as it was a busy day in town. Sitting on the bus was an 80 year old woman along with her poodle, sitting on her lap. The drunk man staggered along the bus and sat at the empty seat next to the old woman. Not amused, the woman huffed and puffed for the first 5 minutes of the journey, obviously unhappy about the state of the man next to her. After a few more huffs and puffs from the old woman, the man turned towards her and asked: "What are you doing with that pig?" Disgusted and ashamed of the man's lack of knowledge and rudeness, the old woman turned towards the man angrily and replied: "This is not a PIG, this is a POODLE!" To which the drunk man replied: "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the poodle!" MC11, rubecula and marcus jones 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted April 3, 2014 Report Share Posted April 3, 2014 Elderly woman phoned Stannah and asked them to come and remove her stair lift, she said 'its driving me up the wall'. Matt and rubecula 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post marcus jones Posted April 3, 2014 Popular Post Report Share Posted April 3, 2014 During his trial, Oscar Pistorius has appeared somewhat unstable................... but a couple of beer mats have done the trick. Bailey, rubecula, Matt and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted April 10, 2014 Report Share Posted April 10, 2014 Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much to have a tooth out. The dentist says £85. The Scotsman asks how much would it be without an anaesthetic. The dentist says £60 but he wouldn't recommend it as it would be very painful. The Scotsman says 'I'll do the £60, can I book an appointment for the wife'. Ant1979, Matt and rubecula 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted May 1, 2014 Report Share Posted May 1, 2014 They say football's a game of two halves. I find its more like 6 pints. rubecula, Matt, Ant1979 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted May 6, 2014 Report Share Posted May 6, 2014 A mini-supermarket has just opened near me. Went down there today and its really good value. The shopping trolleys are only £1. Matt 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubecula Posted May 9, 2014 Report Share Posted May 9, 2014 good stuff Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted May 12, 2014 Report Share Posted May 12, 2014 The market stalls down here in the south are full of second hand Manchester United shirts, thousands of them, all disposed of by new Manchester City fans. Matt and rubecula 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted May 24, 2014 Report Share Posted May 24, 2014 Manchester United have cancelled Fellaini's birthday celebrations and are keeping their fingers crossed. Sibdane, Bailey and Matt 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sibdane Posted May 24, 2014 Report Share Posted May 24, 2014 Haha. That one was good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Posted May 25, 2014 Report Share Posted May 25, 2014 Police are asking Evertonians in relation to the recent allegations that Moyes assaulted someone Evertonians are saying hes innocent, and that in 11 years theyve never seen Moyes come close to attacking anything... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted June 11, 2014 Report Share Posted June 11, 2014 David Cameron is visiting America. Barak Obama takes him to a top secret scientific laboratory. Keen to show off, Obama shows him a Time Machine that can accurately predict events 100 years in the future. 'Ask it a question' says Obama. So Cameron asks what England will be like in 100 years time. There is a whirring, bleeping, flashing of lights then out comes a print-out. Cameron looks at it for a few minutes and Obama, getting impatient says 'come on David, what does it say'? 'I don't know' says Cameron, 'its not in English'. rubecula, Matt, Sibdane and 1 other 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted June 11, 2014 Report Share Posted June 11, 2014 David Cameron is visiting America. Barak Obama takes him to a top secret scientific laboratory. Keen to show off, Obama shows him a Time Machine that can accurately predict events 100 years in the future. 'Ask it a question' says Obama. So Cameron asks what England will be like in 100 years time. There is a whirring, bleeping, flashing of lights then out comes a print-out. Cameron looks at it for a few minutes and Obama, getting impatient says 'come on David, what does it say'? 'I don't know' says Cameron, 'its not in English'. Sounds more like a UKIP election ad to me; jokes thread is the wrong place for it (particularly given the the fact that it's not remotely funny). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted June 12, 2014 Report Share Posted June 12, 2014 MikeO. Very disappointed (and surprised) at your comment which I thought was way over the top. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeO Posted June 12, 2014 Report Share Posted June 12, 2014 MikeO. Very disappointed (and surprised) at your comment which I thought was way over the top. Yeah I kind of regret it; I'd had a few drinks so went a bit over the top so I apologise for that. (Still maintain it sounds like an extract from a UKIP pamphlet though ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marcopaulo Posted June 12, 2014 Report Share Posted June 12, 2014 (edited) some bloke came knocking at the door today asking for a donation for the local swimming pool..i came back with a glass of water..he didn't look impressed Edited June 12, 2014 by marcopaulo pete0, Sibdane, Lowensda and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnh Posted June 12, 2014 Report Share Posted June 12, 2014 Yeah I kind of regret it; I'd had a few drinks so went a bit over the top so I apologise for that. (Still maintain it sounds like an extract from a UKIP pamphlet though ) MikeO. No problem. I had assumed you had overdosed on PC (Pina Colada's) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cornish Steve Posted June 12, 2014 Report Share Posted June 12, 2014 David Cameron is visiting America. Barak Obama takes him to a top secret scientific laboratory. Keen to show off, Obama shows him a Time Machine that can accurately predict events 100 years in the future. 'Ask it a question' says Obama. So Cameron asks what England will be like in 100 years time. There is a whirring, bleeping, flashing of lights then out comes a print-out. Cameron looks at it for a few minutes and Obama, getting impatient says 'come on David, what does it say'?... "It says the country's rejoicing because England won the World Cup." "Wait a minute - something's wrong. That's 1,000 years in future." rubecula 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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